


Life is an Unknown Course

by UmiHinode



Series: The Story is Eternal [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Development, Character Study, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Love, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Canon, spoilers for a sunset with orihara izaya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-03-19 14:13:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 45,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13706127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmiHinode/pseuds/UmiHinode
Summary: After having two years apart to reflect on what was and what could have been, a chance meeting brings Ikebukuro's two most dangerous men back into each other's lives, and unimaginable change with it.





	1. absence makes the heart grow fonder

Sometimes Shizuo could see him.

It had started off rare, but as days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years, he came to the realization that this was his enemy's way of haunting him beyond the grave. What used to just take a person being similar in appearance turned into almost any sighting of a vending machine, a mention of Shinjuku, or a walk in front of Russia Sushi, and sure enough, there he was.

Orihara Izaya.

It had been a little over two years since their farewell, and Shizuo, along with just about everyone else in Ikebukuro, had grown used to Izaya's absence. Ikebukuro was the same as ever, with its uncanny ability to spark disaster seemingly on its own thanks to its twisted inhabitants. In a way, however, it was calmer. Things almost seemed quieter without Izaya pulling the strings, and Shizuo had begun to find solace in this new life. People were still ignorant enough to pick fights with him on the job and he still ran into trouble here and there, though he knew those were things beyond his control. It wasn't as much as a bother as it had been. He was surrounded by good friends that he wouldn't trade for the world, that gave way to his dream of a peaceful life.

Yet something felt missing. There was an absence of something he couldn't quite figure out, and lingering thoughts of guilt that disrupted his life. He wasn't constantly plagued with these thoughts, but it wasn't uncommon for him to think back to that night. Four words in particular still haunted him.

_Just do it, monster._

He had caved in. At least, he would have, had Varona not been there to stop him. Time had stopped in that moment. He was seconds away from dealing the blow that would rid Izaya of his life forever. The cracking of bones still reverberated in his mind, haunting him even in the moment, but he couldn't stop. The adrenaline surging through him was unlike anything he had felt before. He was going to kill Orihara Izaya, and nothing would stop him. The glowing eyes of Saika's children mocked him as they swarmed the scene, no longer charmed by his power and even more lifeless, purposeless than before. The silence was deafening. The shouts of gang members, the blaring horns of the bosozokus' bikes, a single gunshot, and the scream that followed. All of it was absent, save for one word.

_Kill._

_Kill._

_Kill._

For years, Izaya's focus had been solely on Shizuo. While he actively sought out new playthings for whatever twisted game he was masterminding, he had never attacked those Shizuo was close with; at least, not with the goal of getting Shizuo's attention. That had been before Akane and Varona had come into his life. His blood already boiled at the thought of Izaya messing with Celty, but something different had ignited in him when Varona was crushed right before his eyes; when his eyes met Izaya's as his nemesis stood atop the closest building, watching contently as everything came crashing down.

He didn't care if Izaya continued to torment him. He had grown numb to it after so long. What he wasn't going to stand for was a deliberate attack on someone precious to him, just to garner a reaction out of him, just so he could lose himself in blind rage. Shizuo had so many people he wanted to protect, or at least stand by. He knew that Varona was perfectly capable of protecting herself; he admired that about her, how she had devoted herself to martial arts and became skilled through training, much unlike him. Even still, he wasn't going to let anyone hurt any of his precious friends, even if it meant resorting to murder.

So he had thought.

Time began flowing once more. Out of nowhere came a knife, now lodged into Izaya's abdomen, and when he turned around, he was met face to face with a gun, the same gun that earlier that night Varona had instead pointed at Shizuo.

It was then, as he saw Varona's finger resting over the trigger, that he realized his mistake.

_Shizuo-senpai, you're human._

_The need for you to become a beast is nil._

_What good will it do for you to become a killer?_

None, he realized. He didn't have to do this. He didn't want to. The idea of having someone's blood on his hands had haunted him for years, and he wondered how he could even attempt to resort to such a thing.

He didn't have to fight Izaya any longer. His enemy could make his exit without death, without Varona becoming a murderer for his sake. Sure enough, that was what happened.

Supposedly. No one knew Izaya's fate. He had up and vanished without a trace, and life in Ikebukuro continued. Varona had returned to Russia with purpose, and Shizuo returned to his daily life with a weight lifted off his shoulders. Despite having changed his mind upon realizing his mistake, Shizuo was still at unrest after all this time. The burden still festered within him, plaguing him with wonder. Where was Izaya? Would he ever return? Was he even alive?

Somewhere in his heart, Shizuo hoped the answer was yes.

He didn't have to see Izaya again. He just wanted to know that he was still alive, that someone hadn't died because of him.

Even still, he couldn't help but wonder.

_If I could get along with Izaya about as well as Shinra...what would have happened?_

. . .

The streets of Ikebukuro were illuminated by the lights of the bustling nightlife. Rain sprinkled the streets, the sound drowned out by the noisy crowds that filled the area. Busy shoppers, late workers, and intrigued, irresponsible students walked as far as the eye could see. Together, these people formed a colorful crowd, though some were more gray in comparison to the eccentricities the city had to offer.

Anyone could easily find Heiwajima Shizuo and Tanaka Tom within this crowd. Even without the infamy attached to their names, they stood out like sore thumbs. Shizuo still donned his signature bartender look, sunglasses and all, despite them being clipped to his breastpocket. His workday with Tom had ended some time earlier, though the two remained side by side on their almost aimless stroll through the city. Tom was grumbling about one of the day's clients and Shizuo had mostly zoned out, his focus instead on the people that made up the crowd. He was exhausted - mentally, at least - for reasons he couldn't quite figure out. The day hadn't been any more stressful than usual, despite how Tom's ranting might have made it seem. Shizuo's mind couldn't help but wander, though at some point he found Tom's words comprehensible once again and he placed all of his focus on his senior.

"The nerve of the bastard," Tom spat, concluding his rant just in time to notice Shizuo tuning back in. His frown faded away in favor of furrowed brows and mild concern as he asked, "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Shizuo quickly dismissed him, prying his eyes away to focus on the crowd in front of him. "Just tired, s'all." He moved to adjust his glasses only to realize they weren't there, which Tom raised an eyebrow at before smiling in understanding. Tom took a quick peek at his watch before addressing Shizuo once more.

"I won't hold you up then. It is getting a little late. Go home and get some sleep."

Shizuo briefly stopped, taken aback at first, though he was quick to dip his head in proper response. "Thank you, Tom-san."

Tom met him with a warm smile as they began to drift apart. He raised his voice slightly, calling out, "I can count on you for lunch at Lottalia tomorrow, right?"

With a hint of smile, Shizuo nodded. Tom waved in return before parting into the late night crowd. Shizuo sighed involuntarily, not out of distress, or anything, really; just to get it out of his system. He stopped, staring up at the sky as the rain fell far less gracefully than it had before. A few stars poked out from the patches the clouds didn't quite cover, and something about them only added to his somber mood. Pushing all of his thoughts away, Shizuo merged back into the crowd, dead set on reaching his apartment and getting some sleep as soon as possible. Despite it being the night before his day off, he had no interest in anything else. He just needed the day to end.

Unfortunately, the universe wasn't so kind.

He could have just kept walking. His life would have continued on in its now more mundane fashion, with the peace he had gained from the company of his friends pushing him forward.

But this wasn't another mirage.

Fluffy black hair. A black cape with white fur trim. A silver ring glistening on each hand.

There was no denying it. He was back. He was alive.

And Heiwajima Shizuo wasn't angry.

At first, he didn't feel anything. No anger, no surprise. It was almost as if Izaya had never left, yet felt just as if he had been gone for all this time. It was contradictory, it made no sense, yet the absence of feeling made this paradox seem real, concrete.

Shizuo kept walking. He had no business with Izaya now. He had only wanted to know if Izaya had survived, and he had gotten his answer. He could go home, go to sleep, and wake up the next morning the same man who had lived a mostly happy life within those two years. He didn't have to know what Izaya was up to, what had happened, if he was still the same person he had known before. He'd forget the pain, the shame, the desperation. He'd forget that Orihara Izaya ever existed.

Yet,

he stopped.

"It's been a while."

Everything stopped. Shizuo looked in the direction the voice had come from, and there, hiding under the shelter of an umbrella, was Izaya. His voice, his face, his horrid fashion sense; everything was the same, immediately recognizable. What was different, however, was the soft smile on his mortal enemy's face.

Izaya never smiled. Even if it was faint, it couldn't be right. Izaya wasn't himself without his perpetual smirk.

"You're alive," was all Shizuo could say.

"Miraculously, yes."

Everything was calm, though Shizuo should have expected it was only the calm before the storm as the Izaya he remembered returned. "What, do you want to finish me off?"

Shizuo's answer was immediate.

"No."

A firm, without a doubt honest response.

He had no reason to want to.

Izaya furrowed his brows, curious. "Oh?" He was already in a close enough proximity to make Shizuo tense, so naturally he had to take a few steps closer. That was just how Izaya operated. His eyes seemed to change as they seemed to scan him, searching for an answer that couldn't come from Shizuo's mouth. "Is it really possible that you've had a change of heart?"

He hadn't changed.

Of course he hadn't.

Shizuo slowly inhaled and exhaled to calm himself out of habit, firmly holding his ground. "What are you doing here?"

"Just passing through." Izaya was completely nonchalant as he spoke, gazing out into the crowd as if he were trying to avoid making eye contact. "Have I missed anything?"

Shizuo couldn't even begin to formulate an answer. It was a horribly stupid question, and he knew that Izaya knew that. What  _hadn't_  he missed? The return of the Slasher, mysterious disappearances, eccentric Raira first years, Snake Hands…

Well, he supposed Izaya had already experienced most of the things on that list.

He didn't even get a chance to reply as Izaya proposed another question. "Have you found a new rival to entertain you?"

Shizuo scoffed in response.

There was the smirk. "I'm flattered, Shizu-chan."

"That's not-"

"Well, I'd love to stay and catch up, but I have some business to take care of."

Dumbfounded, Shizuo stood still. Everything stood still except Izaya as he turned his back to Shizuo, ready to disappear into the crowd. A hand went to Shizuo's head and he let out a sigh, his scrambled mind making it impossible to think. While he wasn't looking, something cold slipped into his hand, causing him to flinch and open his eyes, searching for an answer.

"I don't exactly need it." Izaya still had his back to him as he began walking away, pulling his hood up to block the rain. "Besides, you wouldn't want to ruin the clothes your precious brother gave you, now would you?"

There was no malice.

For the first time in his life, Shizuo could say that Izaya had done something relatively decent, even if it was simple as lending him an umbrella when he had long since been drenched by the rain.

Izaya was gone, and Shizuo could no longer make him out within the sea of people. He just stood there, umbrella in hand as the rain poured down on him. He could only groan after everything that had happened.

"I need a smoke."

. . .

[Wait, let me get this straight. Izaya's back, you didn't fight, and he was decent to you?]

Though she had no face, it was easy for Celty Sturluson to express her emotions. Her mix of panic of disbelief was obvious even to Shizuo as her hand quivered as she held out her PDA, and as the shadows that flowed from her empty neck manifested into something far more chaotic. Shizuo should have guessed that she would react like this; Izaya was a sore subject for just about everyone in Ikebukuro, but especially for Celty. If there was anyone in the town who could say they hated Izaya as much as Shizuo, Celty was the closest candidate. In the past, Shizuo had been rather thankful for that. If there was anyone he could talk to about this recent development, it had to be Celty and Shinra.

"I know, it's a lot to take in," Shizuo replied, resting his hands on the arms of the chair he was seated in. Across from him, Celty visibly inhaled and exhaled (how, no one knew) before typing her reply.

[Are you _sure_  you weren't dreaming?]

"Now, now, Celty." Shinra appeared from the kitchen with two cups of coffee in hand, setting one down in front of Shizuo before setting his own mug down in the empty space next to Celty as he took a seat beside her.

Shizuo had known the two of them long enough to be used to their antics, but he still, for the life of him, couldn't figure out how Shinra knew exactly what Celty was saying without looking at her PDA.

_Creepy._

Shinra took a sip of coffee before continuing. "Believe or not, Orihara-kun has the capacity to be a decent human being."

Shizuo couldn't help but chuckle. "Don't lie to me, Shinra."

"I'm being serious," Shinra pouted, puffing his lips to demonstrate just how offended he was, to which Shizuo rolled his eyes at in return. "Back in middle school, we - well, Orihara-kun - got in some trouble. I ended up getting stabbed-"

"Wait,  _what?_ "

Shizuo wasn't one to expect Shinra to tell him every painstaking detail of every little thing in his life, as he tended to do from time to time, but this news was certainly something he should have known earlier. Shinra was so casual about it, too, and that's what bugged him.

Shinra held a hand up to silence him. "Let me finish. I ended up getting stabbed because of him, but he took the blame for it and has supposedly made my attacker's life a living hell ever since."

[Supposedly.]

"He wasn't really that bad," Shinra concluded with a shrug. "Sure, he's a bastard, but his heart's just as fragile as anyone's. I like to think he cares."

Silence.

"I think you two could have been friends, had the circumstances been different."

Concerned, Shizuo raised his brows. "How?"

"Well…" Shinra hesitated, eyes falling to his coffee. "You have a bit in common."

"What do I have in common with that fleabag?" Shizuo demanded, raising his voice as his fists met the table. They didn't quite slam, but Shinra protectively reached out for his mug as it jumped closer to Celty. Shinra and Celty exchanged "glances" and Shizuo stiffened, instinctively moving to scratch the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"It's hard to explain," Shinra began, breaking the awkward silence. "I've known both of you long enough to understand it, but explaining is a little complicated."

Shizuo frowned. "Just tell me, Shinra. It doesn't have to be complicated."

"Well, it's not like things will change at this rate," Shinra sighed. "Did Orihara-kun say anything about why he was back?"

"Said he had some business to take care of," Shizuo grumbled, crossing his arms. "It was late at night, so it must've been some shady shit."

[He's been gone for two years and all of a sudden he comes back with business.] Celty added. [I wouldn't really put it past him.]

Shinra thoughtfully tapped his fingers on the table. "Still, what would he have to gain by being decent to Shizuo-kun if he hadn't changed?"

[Entertainment.]

Shizuo nodded in agreement.

Shinra let out a dramatic sigh as he leaned against the back of his chair. "This is making me anxious," he murmured.

"How do you think I feel?"

Shinra grinned. "Fair enough."

Silence fell between the trio once more. Shizuo and Shinra sipped their coffee, Celty moved her hand to touch Shinra's free one, and all that could be heard was the faint sound of the late morning news playing in the background.

Not meeting his friends' eyes (and shadows), Shizuo spoke up. "I think about it sometimes."

Celty typed with her free hand. [About what?]

"About what things could've been like. If I could've gotten along with Izaya, like Shinra said."

"And what do you think?"

Shizuo shrugged. "I don't know. It's hard to think about when I've only ever hated his guts. But," Finally, he looked up. "If a miracle is happening and he really has changed, I kinda want to give him a chance." He fumbled a bit with the last words, and Shinra couldn't help but smile. "But that's only if he's actually changed!" He hurriedly added. "I won't give him the time of day ever again if he's still a conniving son of a bitch."

Shinra chuckled softly. "I guess we'll just have to wait and see."

Celty's shoulders shook from what Shizuo assumed was laughter as she held her PDA out to him. [Can you imagine him apologizing? I'd like to see that.]

"Now I actually want to see him again," Shizuo said with a mischievous grin. "That'd be priceless."

"Heartless, the both of you."

Shizuo turned to Celty, Celty turned to Shizuo, and Shinra was met with pure laughter.

All was well in the Kishitani-Sturluson household.

What lied within the Orihara household, however, was a completely different story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, Umi/Rain here. Just wanted to say thanks for reading!
> 
> Some of you who have been in the fandom for a few years might recognize me from over on FF.net. I'm finally gaining the courage to post something over here...somewhat. I'm still intimidated haha. This is really the first thing I've written in like three years and it's incredibly self-indulgent so I'm a little embarrassed but hey, it's a lot better than my last fic.
> 
> If you're interested in seeing more, updates will be out every Friday! Once again, thank you so much for reading. I'll see you next week!


	2. interlude - he's such a coward that he can laugh

Once there was a man who dreamed of becoming a god.

He devoted his life to loving humanity, though humanity did not love him back. The man was okay with this unrequited love, for his heart was as brittle as glass and would surely shatter if any human dared love him.

Over time, the man grew weary. He became tired of this unrequited love, and like the fragile human he was, he craved attention and validation. None of his beloved humans gave him what he so desired, but there was always a monster who fulfilled these desires without either fully realizing.

The man and the monster were drawn together, and despite their mutual hatred, they could never separate.

That is, until the monster almost killed the man.

The man left everything he had known behind, willing himself to escape.

And so, years passed.

It was then, and only then, that the man realized the monster was not truly a monster, but a man, just as fragile and lonely as him.

Once there was a man who dreamed of becoming a god.

Now all that was left was a monster.

"How naive," the monster laughed. "To think that a man can become a god."


	3. no love lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which things change, though it's as if nothing changed at all.

It was no secret that the Orihara siblings had some rather complicated relationships.

You could say that complication was normal for siblings. Some were best friends, others despised each other, and there were those who were indifferent. In the case of the Oriharas however, things were a little different.

Orihara Mairu and Kururi hated their older brother, and they were completely infatuated with one another; that was fact.

Orihara Izaya used his sisters for amusement and felt little pity for them; that was fact.

Yet even with this mutual disdain, there might have been a small fragment of what could be called love.

Twisted love, to be exact.

. . .

For the Orihara twins, it was going to be just another day. Now in their third year, it was going to be another day of preparing for their future - had they been normal students, at least. For these troublemaking twins, it was another day of scheming. There were some things that could never change, and it seemed that the mismatched personas of Mairu and Kururi were two of those things. The two were destined to be yin and yang; separate, but together as one.

They couldn't change, and the teachers of Raira Academy hated it.

_"Just like their brother."_

In their three years attending the school, it hadn't been uncommon for Izaya to be mentioned. The majority of the staff had been around during the dark days of Raijin High School in which a day couldn't go by without one hearing of Shizuo and Izaya's latest antics. The twins were no different; they had a legacy to live up to, after all.

Their feelings towards this were complicated, to say the least.

Izaya was something of an urban legend in Ikebukuro, though unlike the Headless Rider, he was one that faded into the background following his disappearance. Throughout their second year, the twins were constantly surrounded by their brother's memory. Honestly, it hadn't bothered them all that much. Mairu and Kururi had confidently claimed that they despised him, and that they wouldn't shed any tears for him, were he to turn up dead. It was his stabbing all over again, leaving them cold and careless. In the twins' minds, who would care? Orihara Izaya was the scum of the earth. Not many people would disagree with that statement.

However, their feelings were still mixed. In a world where Izaya was their own flesh and blood and the only caretaker they had ever really known, things were undoubtedly complicated. Orihara Shirou and Orihara Kyouko were nothing more than names attached to blurry faces that very rarely came into focus. It had always been Izaya, Kururi, and Mairu.

Now, it was just the two of them.

Izaya was old news. His name hadn't been mentioned once in the six months since they had began their third year, until that fateful day.

_"You mean their dead brother?"_

_"What happened?"_

_"You don't know? Heiwajima Shizuo killed him!"_

Mairu's neutral expression didn't change, yet something inside her pushed her to reach for the pack of thumbtacks in her bag. They were brand new, unopened after the last incident involving them. Those girls hadn't dared bother Kururi again, so she had no need for them. The shtick had immediately gotten old, and Mairu had longed for more interesting methods, so she had thought.

"What's even the point in talking about that piece of shit?"

Mairu spun around, and there stood Kuronuma Aoba, arms crossed, though he appeared just as nonchalant as she did. She couldn't help but grin as she faced the passersby once more. "You'll have to do better than that. Unless," she paused, pulling the pack of thumbtacks out and dangling it in front of their faces. Nothing more had to be said. The day continued on like normal; at school, at least.

"You're going to be expelled one of these days." An exasperated Aoba appeared behind the twins, joining them on their usual route home after the fact. "I'm surprised you haven't been already."

Mairu chuckled and continued walking with her arms behind her head. "It's just too fun sometimes."

"Thank you."

Mairu and Aoba froze, surprised to hear Kururi's meek voice for the first time since the incident, thanking someone, no less. Confused, Mairu gazed at her sister in search of answers. Kururi shook her head and pointed at Aoba. "For stopping Mairu," she clarified.

Mairu's arms fell and immediately wrapped around her sister, pulling her into a tight embrace. "What do you mean, Kuru-nee? You don't normally fight stuff like that."

Kururi hesitated. "You were upset."

Mairu burst out laughing, burying her head in Kururi's shoulder. "As if I would be upset over Iza-nii! Don't be ridiculous."

"Why did you reach for the thumbtacks then?" Aoba chimed in.

"Dunno. Impulse, I guess?"

Aoba and Kururi said nothing, and Mairu released her sister, reaching for her hand with her own, and for Aoba's with the other, pulling herself between the two. "Let's just forget about that." As Mairu marched on ahead with a grin, Aoba and Kururi's eyes met in understanding. Aoba managed to muster up a sheepish smile, and soon Kururi found herself doing the same.

For the rest of their walk, Mairu tried her best to change the topic, rambling on about just about anything that came to mind. Whether it was just her being her usual chatterbox self or to hide her anger was up in the air, not that Kururi or Aoba really minded. When they reached their apartment, Aoba bid the girls farewell, though not before they both stood up on their toes on either side of him, kissing his cheeks. Even after all this time, Aoba still found himself blushing.

Normally, Kururi would have found herself expecting a kiss from Mairu, though her younger sister unlocked the door and rushed inside without another word. All was silent in the Orihara household for quite some time. On one side of their bedroom, Mairu was sprawled out across the bed, tapping away on her phone, while Kururi sat in the corner opposite of her, nose in a book. Occasionally they would glance in each other's direction, only to hurriedly look away. Mairu was beginning to feel guilty, pushing aside Kururi of all people like this, but she maintained her distance.

Sometimes they just needed some time apart. They were practically always together, with little distance between them. It wasn't healthy for anyone, especially these twisted twins who had fallen in love with one another. They knew it was wrong. They had always known, but some things couldn't change.

Late that night, the twins still hadn't spoken. After hours of silence, hearing a knock at the door was a blessing from above. Mairu instantly rose to her feet, barrelling out of the bedroom towards the front door. She had to wonder who it was. Aoba never visited this late, and they didn't exactly have friends. Still, she opened the door warmly, only to want to immediately close it.

"Iza-nii," she breathed, genuinely shellshocked as he stood face to face with the brother she had believed to be dead. Hoped would be dead. "We thought you'd be dead and buried by now."

"Nice to see you too, Mairu," Izaya replied, pulling his hood back as he found shelter in the doorway.

Mairu huffed. "I can't say the same for you. What are you doing here?"

"I want to talk to you." She was even more shocked by just how serious her brother sounded. At first, she couldn't recall the last time he had spoken with that much conviction, lacking the false bravado and silky tone that masked his true intentions. "Both of you."

Mairu tried her best to take up the whole doorway and size herself up to Izaya, though it was all in vain. He had accepted that there was no way he would actually talk to them long before arriving at their doorstep. He couldn't help but notice that Mairu had grown a bit taller. She was still little, though not as little as before. Her hairstyle was especially surprising. He couldn't see Kururi to confirm, but they had certainly traded styles if Mairu's short, choppy hair was anything to go by. She was still the same insufferable brat he could call his sister, yet she seemed so far from the girl he had known only two years earlier.

"Not interested," Mairu replied, not budging from her rather awkward position.

Izaya could almost laugh. "Fair enough."

"What's with you?" Mairu scowled as she shrunk back into herself, folding her arms across her chest. She didn't remain that way for long, however. When Izaya didn't respond, instead meeting her with what appeared to be his typical smirk, her hand moved on its own, curling into a fist and slamming straight into Izaya's face.

He didn't budge.

"What the hell, Iza-nii?"

She couldn't help but jump as she heard from behind her, "Purpose."

Kururi.

Puzzled, Mairu faced her sister. "Huh?"

"It was on purpose."

Mairu turned to Kururi, then Izaya, then back and forth between the two, searching for answers in their expressions.

Izaya responded rather nonchalantly considering what had happened as he covered what was sure to become a black eye. "I figured I deserved it."

"At least you can understand that," Mairu spat. "See you never, Iza-nii!" As she spoke, she slammed the door shut right in his face, locking it and turning her back to the door.

Expressionless as ever, Kururi said, "So rude."

"He deserves it."

Kururi didn't argue. Instead, she returned to her corner of their room, resting her book in her lap. Mairu did the same, flopping onto the bed and staring up at the ceiling, muttering to herself. "Two years later and he thinks he can just show up like nothing happened. I hate him."

Kururi looked up from her book, setting it aside and getting up to join Mairu on the bed. Mairu's eyes widened in surprise as she suddenly felt herself be pulled into her sister's embrace, with Kururi resting her head on her shoulder.

Mairu sighed. "I'm sorry, Kuru-nee. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"It's okay," Kururi responded with a smile.

The two remained content in their embrace for some time, until their phones beeped simultaneously. Kururi pulled away and reached inside her pockets for her phone, seemingly emotionless until she began tapping away. Curious, Mairu peered over her shoulder, and whereas Kururi remained silent, she couldn't help but squeal. As dedicated fans of Hanejima Yuuhei, naturally they would be the first to hear any news relating to him, and drop everything, including each other, to receive it. Kururi was racing to pull up what the twins would discover to be a trailer for the newest installment in the ever popular Vampire Ninja Carmilla Saizou series.

If there were two things that could immediately make Orihara Mairu happy, they had to be Orihara Kururi and Hanejima Yuuhei.

"Thank you, Yuuhei, for blessing me in my time of need!"

. . .

Elsewhere, Heiwajima Kasuka felt a small shiver run down his spine.

. . .

"Home sweet home," said Izaya to no one as he took his first steps in Shinjuku following his disappearance. Everything was just the same, just as it had been in Ikebukuro, yet the prefecture he used to call home felt more alien than anything. If he were the sentimental type, his heart might ache for what he left behind, but he felt nothing.

Nothing compared to how it felt to see Ikebukuro again. It was stupid to get attached to something like a city, so he thought, yet some semblance of an ache formed when he breathed in all of the sights and sounds of his true home. He knew it was stupid, yet his heart felt otherwise.

He hated it. Yet, he felt he deserved it.

That was part of the reason why he had forced himself to take the long walk from Ikebukuro to Shinjuku rather than taking a bus. He couldn't remember the last time he had walked that far, and all things considered, it was almost agonizing. Despite the pain, he was glad to be able to have made that walk.

So this was what freedom felt like, after having denied himself that right for so long.

Two years ago, Orihara Izaya had smiled in the face of death. He had given himself up as a sacrifice all for the sake of some stupid game; the very game that had dominated his life ever since that fateful day twelve years prior.

_"You piss me off."_

That was all it took. Four words that sparked the cat and mouse game that would consume his life.

And it would take four to end it.

_"Just do it, monster."_

And he did.

After being flung hundreds of feet away straight into an abandoned office building and running for his life straight into the center of Ikebukuro, Izaya was as good as dead. Shizuo certainly knew that.

The sound of bone snapping was drowned out by the chaos of the city, but Izaya clearly heard it. At first, there was no pain, but eventually everything came crashing down on him. It was absolutely unbearable. No one was meant to suffer a direct blow from Shizuo like that, especially not in such an enraged state that even Izaya had yet to see him in before then, and especially not for someone as scrawny as himself. His landing from the force only worsened the situation. He had nowhere to run.

And then, Varona appeared.

Was it anger he felt? Was it gratitude?

He would never know.

Orihara Izaya was supposed to be dead, yet here he was, miraculously alive and back in the place that not too long ago had terrified him more than anything. For the longest time, he had refused to rehabilitate. The confines of his wheelchair served as his punishment, and he accepted it. After all, he had failed. Shizuo was going to truly become a monster through Izaya's sacrifice, yet he lived.

It was then, and only then, that the man realized the monster was not truly a monster, but a man, just as fragile and lonely as him.

. . .

Six months prior, Izaya's entire world had been turned upside down by a rather interesting phone call.

_"Someday, surely, I'll make it so that my brother and Shizuo will meet you again!"_

He laughed at the woman's blind optimism, yet…

_"Well, if I'm able to do it, then I hope I can give it a go. I'll do my best not to run away."_

And here he was, not running away any longer.

 _Your sister must be just as crazy as you, Shinra._  Izaya smiled at the thought. At the time, Shinra had yet to even meet the bright-eyed Kinomiya Kazane, but the similarities between the two were undeniable.

Perhaps that was why Izaya had found it so easy to speak to her, and to actually say what was on his mind. He'd have to thank her the next time they spoke, were they to meet again.

He would visit Shinra tomorrow, he decided. First, it was time to make a home for himself once again, and it wouldn't be home without some human observation.

Fellow human observation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you weren't expecting two chapters, huh. (insert finger guns here) Granted it's more like one since the interlude is so short, but whatever. It's different, but it's something I wanted to try out.
> 
> I might have gone a little overboard with the twins, but I really wanted to include them. It was nice to try and think about how they would be two years later. I'd love to delve into them more, but this is a Shizaya story, so I guess I'll have to save that for another fic, wink wink
> 
> In hindsight, this chapter feels really short and the fic is having a rather slow start, but this is going to be a rather relaxed story that's mostly just a character and relationship study so I guess it's not that bad.
> 
> Anyway, thank for you reading, and I'll see you next week! (or maybe sooner, since i'm horribly impatient)


	4. no such thing as coincidence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they were doing an awful lot of thinking lately.

People meet and people part.

That's how things go in Ikebukuro.

Some never part, others reunite.

Nothing in the city is without meaning.

Everyone and everything is connected somehow, some way.

In the city that never sleeps, there is no such thing as coincidence.

. . .

After spending a single night back home, Izaya woke up in a cold sweat.

He might have been back in Shinjuku, but for the time being he was officially homeless. He had said goodbye to his many apartments after fleeing the city, stranding him in a hotel with nowhere to call home. He couldn't complain, however. With no belongings other than his coat, phone, and switchblade, not to mention no company, a hotel was perfect, especially for people watching.

So he had thought the night before. Now, he could barely move. Trauma wasn't something that could easily be overcome, even after months of therapy. He hated to even call it trauma, but that was exactly what it was. It was completely different to be back home than to be off hiding in a small, remote town, free from everything he had dreaded returning to. Nonetheless, Kazane's words had become a source of inspiration for him.

_"Someday, surely, I'll make it so that my brother and Shizuo will meet you again!"_

_"Well, if I'm able to do it, then I hope I can give it a go. I'll do my best not to run away."_

"Dammit," he muttered aloud, curling up into himself, hugging his knees up against his chest. Morning light glowed through the window, shining down on his phone left on the nightstand beside him. Izaya scooted closer to the edge of the bed, outstretching his fingers and pulling his phone towards him. No new notifications, of course. With a sigh he put his phone back down and rolled onto his other side, closing his eyes for a moment. All he wanted to do was lie in bed and sleep off his nerves. He had only intended to visit his sisters the night before, yet he had ended up running into Shizuo, and his composure was thrown out the window. Izaya hadn't expected seeing him to hurt and confuse him so much.

Still, there was no use in him throwing a pity party of one. After minutes of laying still, he managed to pull himself up out of bed, dressing himself up in an almost identical outfit to the one he had worn the day before, slinging his cape over his shoulders as a final touch. Today was going to be his day, he decided as he took the first step outside of his room.

_Shinra, here I come._

. . .

"Shit."

All it took was one glance at the time for Shizuo to be overcome with guilt. He hadn't meant to say anything aloud, and when he looked up from his phone he was met with slight concern from Shinra and Celty. "Sorry," he continued, rising from his chair. "I'm supposed to have lunch with Tom-san today and I kinda lost track of time."

Shinra dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "Don't worry about it. Just be sure that you stop by again when the fate of Ikebukuro isn't hanging in the balance."

Shizuo managed a smile before heading out, taking the rather long elevator ride downstairs before merging with the midday crowd once outside. He normally wasn't one to overthink, yet Shinra's comment stuck with him.

 _"You have a one-track mind, Shizuo-kun,"_  A young Shinra had told him back in their high school days. Somehow, he had managed to restrain himself and not punch Shinra right in the face. One possible reason was, of course, that Shinra was his only real friend at the time, and another was that he knew it was right. Now that he thought about it, despite having more of a peaceful life than ever before, Ikebukuro was still a maelstrom of chaos. Chances were it would always be that way, especially with Izaya returning. Still, he found it rather interesting that Shinra would say that the fate of the city was hanging in the balance when he had just sang praises about Izaya.

Then again, this was Shinra saying it, and Izaya was the one in question.

In line with his one-track mind, Shizuo couldn't stop thinking about the two of them. Shinra and Izaya were constants in his life, yet abnormalities he could never fully understand. He supposed that was why they worked so well together. They had a mutual understanding of each other and their eccentricities, to phrase it nicely. In a way, it was like how Shizuo had Celty. Together, they were the outcasts of the city, enigmas feared for their strength and seen as something alien. He wasn't alone, and he couldn't be more thankful. Yet, being able to relate to Celty, someone who wasn't human, only seemed to reinforce Izaya's theory.

That was also what Izaya and Shinra had in common: they were both insufferable pests. Once Izaya was on his mind, it was a battle and a half to get him out. Shizuo wasn't sure if it was because of the meeting yesterday, or if it was just a build up of his thoughts from the past two years, but whatever it was, it opened the floodgates in his mind.

_Just do it, monster._

_Monster._

_Monster._

He couldn't take it.

_Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up-_

It was almost as if the universe was against him, and wanted him to get incredibly angry for the first time in a while.

He walked by so fast that Shizuo almost missed him,

but Izaya was hard to miss.

"Izaya."

Upon hearing his name, Izaya halted, meeting Shizuo with indifference. "Shizu-chan. Fancy seeing you here."

"You're still here."

"That I am."

 _Get out,_  Shizuo's mind screamed.  _Get out so I never have to see you again. Get out so I don't have to fight you again._

_If I have to, I don't think I could hold back again._

"Thought you were just passing through," Shizuo replied, moving to lean against the wall of the nearest building and crossing his arms. "What are you up to?"

There it was. The infamous smirk. "I see you're as faithful as always. I'm just on my way to see Shinra."

Shizuo tried his best to suppress his laugh.

"What?" Izaya began, making rather uncomfortable direct eye contact, expression unwavering. "Is that not allowed?"

"Go ahead. As long as you're not tangled up in some shady shit."

Shizuo couldn't meet his gaze. He couldn't help but turn away, looking out among the passersby. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that Izaya stepped back and almost twirled around, his cape flying out behind him.

"Can't you have a little faith in the one percent?"

With that, he was gone.

It didn't take long for Shizuo to remember where he had heard that before, and he pursed his lips in thought.

" _Ninety-nine percent of the time when random crap happens, you're somehow involved!_ "

He could vividly see Izaya's playful smirk as he retrieved his knife from his pocket, attempting to prove his innocence with his words and failing with his actions. It was strange, realizing that that was one of the last times he had seen Izaya before everything happened.

What was even more strange was remembering his own confident smile.

With a sigh, Shizuo resumed his walk to Lottalia, fighting off the many intrusive thoughts that were beginning to settle in his head. He couldn't have been more thankful when Tom came into view, and much to his surprise, when he noticed Akane beside him. Tom looked just as lost in thought as Shizuo had been, leaning against the side of the building, cigarette in hand. Akane was the first to notice Shizuo, enthusiastically waving with one hand and tugging at Tom's shirt with the other.

Shizuo nodded respectfully in regards to Tom before greeting the girl with a smile. "Akane, what are you doing here?"

"I just happened to run into her," Tom replied as he tossed the cigarette into the nearest trash can. "Funny how we'd meet here of all places."

Akane looked up at Shizuo with the same innocent smile she had given when they first met two years prior, and he could almost forget what happened after.

_"Die!"_

Almost.

"You didn't run away from your uncle again, did you?" Shizuo teased, to which Akane responded by crossing her arms, feigning offense.

"I'm supposed to meet up with Mairu-san and Kururi-san," she explained, earning a frown from Shizuo. He would never understand how she could hang out with those pests, of all people. Still, he supposed it was better for her to have the twins, who actually enjoyed being around her, as friends than those who spent time with her out of fear. Hearing her explain her story had broken his heart, and ever so slightly reminded him of the boy who thought he'd never be loved for who he was.

"I won't hold you up, then," Shizuo said, glancing over at Tom, ready to enter the restaurant had it not been for Akane clutching at his shirt.

"Wait!" She exclaimed with pleading eyes. "I can just sit with you until they get here."

Shizuo wasn't going to argue against it. With a nod of approval from Tom, the trio entered Lottalia, immediately gathering the attention of most of the people there. It was a strange sight, even for Ikebukuro, to see the city's Fortissimo, his boss, and the daughter of the head of the Awakusu-kai sitting at the same table, enjoying themselves no less.

Shizuo listened in as Akane rambled on about her progress at Rakuei Gym, boasting about her improvement and claiming that she might become just as strong as Mairu someday. In Shizuo's eyes, it was nothing more than an innocent passion, though what he was still unaware of was Akane's true goal; a goal that over the course of the past two years had begun to lose its purpose, thanks to some rather unexpected feelings.

What he would never know was that somewhere along the way, Awakusu Akane had fallen in love with him, and she wasn't the only one.

. . .

 _Now that I think about it,_  Shizuo mused as he lay curled up on his couch that night.  _I only know Akane because Izaya sent her to kill me._

The last thing he wanted to do was frown while watching an interview with Kasuka, yet it happened regardless.

_Damn flea._

. . .

Izaya didn't visit Shinra.

He couldn't. Seeing the person he cared about the most would only break him. Besides, the two had an unspoken rule: keep your distance. He couldn't even remember the last time they had met face to face. Instead, he returned to the very thing he wanted to distract himself from. Granted, he needed to visit Akihabara regardless if he wanted to continue his work.

Akihabara: the electric town, and the center for all things otaku. It was certainly an interesting change of scenery. Whereas Ikebukuro was the center for chaos and every shady happening, Akihabara was a place of pure love and passion. A love and passion he couldn't begin to fathom, yet that was what made it interesting.

His mission was simple: buy a new laptop, observe some humans, and return home.

The universe didn't want to be kind, however. Perhaps he deserved it.

"He's alive?"

He perked up at that. It was faint, though Izaya would recognize that voice anywhere, despite it being much more serious than normal. Standing not too far away with bags upon bags in tow was a furious Karisawa Erika, and at her side a defensive Sonohara Anri, whose eyes immediately turned red upon meeting his. Anri took a rather brave step forward, one hand very obviously restraining the other, though Erika blocked her with her arm.

"I see you're as nosy as ever," Erika greeted, sparing him from any platitudes.

He found himself wishing Shizuo, of all people, had treated him the same.

"I just happened to overhear you," Izaya replied. "I'm here for business, nothing more."

"Business in Akiba?"

Izaya simply nodded in response.

Instead of letting Erika continue, Anri spoke with determination that he hadn't heard in a rather long time. Her hands separated, one going to Erika's arm with a confidence so unlike the taciturn girl. Acknowledging this, Erika took a step back. "What are you doing here? Everyone thought you were dead."

"Just passing through. Nothing you should be concerned with."

Izaya could take a wild guess at what both of them were thinking.

_If you hurt Ryuugamine-kun or Kida-kun again, I'll definitely cut you this time._

_Mess with Anri-chan, and I'll make sure you stay dead._

He hadn't exactly left the best impression when they had last met.

...Well, when had he ever left even a decent impression?

"Well," Izaya drawled out. "I'll be on my way. Good luck with your cosplays."

Erika and Anri exchanged puzzled glances before Erika sported a huge grin. Anri was immediately concerned, and the red in her eyes faded away.

"That reminds me, there's a new anime this season with a character that'd be perfect for you."

"H-huh?"

Sonohara Anri hadn't felt this nervous for a while, and she couldn't tell if it was because of the cosplay, Izaya's return, or both.

Probably both.

 _Some things never change._  Amused, Izaya smiled for the first time that day as he left the girls behind.

While Erika rambled on about her ideas, Anri couldn't help but glance over her shoulder, curious to see if Izaya was secretly watching them.  _What is he planning?_  She couldn't help but wonder, and this curiosity caused Saika to stir within her. As much as she wanted to stop him once and for all, she had decided long ago that Orihara Izaya would be the one human she would never allow Saika to love. If you could even call him a human.

In a world of humans, parasites, and demons, Orihara Izaya was nothing more than a demon.

. . .

Izaya's sparse appearances were starting to spark concern in those who saw him, and for Shizuo, it only became worse when he disappeared for a second time.

Something had to be stirring up in the city.

Shizuo figured if anyone was going to know about Izaya's exploits, it had to be Shinra.

**To: Shinra**

\- Have you heard from Izaya at all

**From: Shinra**

\- No, actually. I would've thought that I'd hear from him by now.

\- How long has it been?

**To: Shinra**

\- 2 weeks?

**From: Shinra**

\- Maybe he's gone.

**To: Shinra**

\- Maybe]

Shizuo let out a sigh as he slid in phone into his pocket, exchanging it for a pack of his cigarettes and a lighter. As he pressed the newly lit cigarette to his lips, Tom gazed up at him, brows raised.

"Everything okay?"

Shizuo nodded, taking a moment to exhale before speaking. "Yeah. Sorry if I worried you. Had to ask Shinra something."

"Are you sure that's all?" Tom continued. "You've been kinda out of it lately."

Shizuo blinked. "I have?"

"Yeah. I thought for sure you had something going on."

"Nah. I'm alright."

Tom smiled up at him, and Shizuo found himself smiling back. "Good."

After inhaling and exhaling the smoke once more, Shizuo crushed the cigarette with his shoe and faced Tom. "So, where are we headed next?"

"To Hiyama Kozue; 24, journalist. Heard she got in some trouble with the Awakusu-kai and owes just about every bigshot in town."

As always, Shizuo followed Tom's lead to their next client. His worries subsided, and he wondered what this Kozue girl would be like. If there was one talent Shizuo didn't have, it was remembering people. Still, the plethora of colorful characters in Ikebukuro would be interesting to even an Ikebukuro veteran, especially someone like Shizuo who had a fondness for the city. It was especially interesting to see what kinds of excuses they would come up with. He would admit, some had made him laugh. Some, evidently, made him beyond angry.

_"Mint-chan and I share true love! We can only meet at her job, and I don't know her cell number. But our love is true!"_

_"You piss me off. You can only meet her at her job, and you still don't know her cell? What kind-"_

_With a second thought, his hand reached for the nearest sign post._

_"-of true love-"_

_The pole snapped, and was quickly uprooted._

_"-is that?!"_

And so, both the man and the pole had gone flying through the city. He couldn't help it. It was ridiculous to listen to.

As he walked with his hands in his pockets, he couldn't help but think back to what Shinra had told him. (He was doing an awful lot of thinking lately.)

_You have a bit in common._

A wave of disgust washed over him.  _That's not the same thing. There's no way._ His fists clenched, and Tom couldn't help but notice, stopping dead in his tracks. "Whoa, what happened?"

"Nothing," Shizuo grumbled.

"Obviously something happened. Talk to me, Shizuo-"

"You."

Not understanding, Tom replied. "Me?"

Shizuo shook his head, pointing further in the distance. "Not you. Him."

Izaya.

Tom could only sigh. _Not this again._

Shizuo took a step closer. Izaya did the same.

"Get out!"

For the first time in what felt like forever, Shizuo's body moved on its own. His fist was prepared to swing as he lunged for Izaya, yet when he saw that his nemesis stood still, something brought him to stop.

His fist stopped only a few centimeters away from Izaya's face. It was like the Saika fight all over again.

But, he stopped.

Shizuo let his arm fall to his side, only for Izaya to suddenly take his hand.

Orihara Izaya had taken his hand, and was leading him away from Tom, away from safety, away from his peace.

Shizuo very easily could have tore free of his grip, yet he didn't move a muscle. "I have a job to do, you know."

"So do I," Izaya responded flatly. "Let's talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting interesting! They're still a little slow, but we're getting there. I probably should have combined this with the next chapter, but the "cliffhanger" was too tempting. 
> 
> I'm actually adjusting the update schedule, surprising nobody, but in a good way! Updates will now be out every Monday and Friday!
> 
> I'll ramble more about the whole The Story is Eternal business once we get to the end of the fic and things are more concrete. Just know that for now I definitely have plans in mind. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading. ♥ I'll see you Monday!


	5. wishful thinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he was wrong.

"What the  _fuck_  is going on?"

Izaya cringed as he took a seat on his bed, gazing up at Shizuo with a grimace. Instead of answering, he pressed his coffee cup to his lips, taking a sip. Shizuo stared at him questioningly, not at all subtle with the abject horror, confusion, and contempt he was experiencing.

It had all happened too fast. One minute, his life was completely normal, and in the next, Orihara Izaya of all people took him by the hand and whisked him away to Shinjuku without a word. He thought his reaction was rather appropriate, all things considered. Izaya couldn't just disappear for two years, return, disappear again, and return again.

"Easy, Shizu-chan," Izaya replied calmly, and Shizuo could almost imagine him putting a hand up to protest, had he not been holding his mug in both hands. He could almost see Shinra sitting across from him.

Shizuo crossed his arms. "Don't start with that shit. Just tell me what's going on."

Izaya sighed, taking another sip of his coffee. "You're no fun. Can't I humor you a little bit?"

"I'm only gonna ask one more time," Shizuo said. "Tell me what you're up to."

Izaya could only chuckle.

Perhaps approaching Shizuo first had been a horrible idea.

. . .

Orihara Izaya wasn't exactly the smartest man.

The guilt from not visiting Shinra and the fear of visiting him tormented him, leading him to stay practically trapped inside his hotel room. His confinement led to a lot of thinking; sleep-deprived thinking, in particular. Before, he was never a night owl. Sleep was his best friend, though it was as if the tables had turned. He found himself staying up later and later, typing away on his brand new laptop in the darkness of his room. He'd become something of a coffee addict as well.

So many things were changing, he wasn't even sure if he could still call himself Orihara Izaya.

For instance, he was having a somewhat civilized conversation with Heiwajima Shizuo. Somewhat being the key word, because despite Shizuo's horrendous temper, the man hadn't lunged at him again since their meeting in the street, so that was something of an accomplishment.

Shizuo was changing too, and how he hated it.

He hated it, yet…

. . .

"Since you asked," Izaya sighed rather dramatically, turning away to place his coffee aside, only to look out of the corner of his eye to see Shizuo's reaction. He wasn't sure what he was hoping for, and he couldn't help but feel both pleased and disappointed with Shizuo's indifference. "I came back because I have a lot of loose ends I need to tie up."

"That's the vaguest answer you could've-"

"I'm not finished."

Shizuo adjusted his glasses.

"Answer me this," Izaya began, resting his chin in his hands. "Why do we hate each other?"

Shizuo opened his mouth, yet no words came out.

Izaya smiled as if he were about to laugh to himself, yet there was a certain emptiness in his eyes that told of something other than amusement. "You can say that you hate me because I ruined your life, but that wasn't until after everything had already started." Shizuo stiffening prompted him to continue. "What really started all of this?"

"I…" Shizuo started, cutting himself off as he attempted to phrase his words properly. "You just seemed like an asshole. Shinra even said it himself."

"But you didn't take the time to prove it or not, did you?"

"You-" Shizuo started, raising his voice. "You sliced my damn shirt open not even five seconds later! What was there to prove?" His fists clenched at his side as he met Izaya's almost taunting eyes. "You can't deny that you were an asshole. Shinra told me about all the shit you got into. You're disgusting."

Izaya frowned. "I like to think that all of this was because of bad timing on Shinra's part."

"What do you mean?"

"I think we might have gotten along if I hadn't met you that afternoon," Izaya replied with a shrug. "It's just a theory, and there's no way we can prove it, but maybe things would have turned out differently if I hadn't met you when you were already angry."

Shizuo scoffed at him. "It still wouldn't excuse everything you did outside of messing with me."

"Fair point. But you know, Shinra's no saint either; or you, for that matter."

Shizuo attempted to reply, only for Izaya to interrupt him.

"I won't excuse my actions, but don't you think it's a little hypocritical to excuse Shinra's behavior without a second thought?"

Shizuo remained silent. He was already painfully aware of that fact.

"You do know what he did, right?"

"Just leave Shinra out of this," Shizuo finally said, his tone much gentler and calm than before. "This is between me and you. What are you even trying to get at here?"

With a hint of a smile, Izaya asked, "Have you ever thought about what it'd be like if we didn't hate each other?"

"Sometimes." He wasn't lying, per se, but the countless times he had laid awake late at night, thinking back on all of their past fights would argue otherwise. Ever since Izaya had vanished, he had thought about it more times than he would have liked to admit. He wanted things to change, but seeing the man in front of him and remembering everything he had done made the desire into nothing more than a dream.

"What if we gave it a try?"

Perhaps it could be more than a far off dream.

"If you've really changed, and if you'll leave me alone, then I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. But if you even try anything again, I won't hesitate to kick your ass."

Izaya couldn't help but chuckle as he extended a hand to Shizuo. "Fair enough."

Before Shizuo could accept the hand shake, his phone buzzed in his pocket.

**[From: Tom-san**

\- You didn't kill him did you?]

Shizuo smiled upon seeing the message, ready to tap on it and reply had it not been for Izaya snatching the phone right out of his hands from behind him. Somehow he had been able to rise from the bed and maneuver around him quick enough to pull off such a feat. Perhaps Shizuo had just grown rusty after all these years.

"What are you-" He began, only to be cut off by Izaya, once again.

"Smile, Shizu-chan," Izaya blurted, leaving Shizuo with almost no time to react as he made a peace sign with his free hand, snapping a picture of the two.

"Give me my phone back, flea!" Shizuo attempted to restrain him, reaching his hands around to grab his phone, but Izaya was too quick. As soon as Shizuo grabbed him, he managed to slither away, earning the chance to send the picture without context before tossing the phone back. Shizuo scrambled to reach it before it fell to the floor, successfully doing so, but not without glaring at Izaya's back.

His phone almost instantly began ringing. Shizuo couldn't even bring himself to answer, instead burying his face in his hands.

"Well, there was your glimpse at us not hating each other." Izaya turned around before falling back on his bed, grinning up at Shizuo. "How do you feel?"

"I knew I couldn't trust you." Shizuo shoved his phone back into his pocket and rose from his seat, heading straight for the door.

Izaya pulled himself up, following after him and reaching for his wrist as he reached the door. "Lighten up, Shizu-chan. What happened to the benefit of the doubt?"

Shizuo didn't answer, hand resting on his doorknob, waiting to turn it yet not moving.

Izaya knew he was going to regret it the second the words left his mouth, yet they flowed out regardless.

After two years of wondering, two years of hoping, and twelve of suffering, the last thing Shizuo and Izaya would have expected was,

"I'm sorry."

It was quiet. So quiet, Shizuo wasn't even sure he heard right.

He couldn't even begin to fathom it, so Izaya made sure he didn't have to. He opened the door instead, saying to him, "You should get back to Tom. I think I've gotten you fired enough for one lifetime."

The door shut.

Shizuo was gone.

" _I'm sorry._ "

It was quiet, it was serious, yet not pained, not fully remorseful. He had told himself he wasn't going to apologize for anything, he was just going to acknowledge his mistakes, and that he couldn't apologize for them.

Yet, he messed up.

_"I was wrong,"_  was what he meant to say.  _"You aren't a monster."_

He wasn't sure he'd ever get the chance to tell him now.

With a forlorn smile, he thought to himself,  _I am._

. . .

Izaya couldn't sleep.

His hotel room was shrouded in darkness, the only light coming from his laptop screen. Four a.m. was something of a silent hour in Ikebukuro; people were always out and about in the city, though at this point, just about every place was closed, lights were turned off, and all of the night owls were cooped up in their homes. Not a sound was heard aside from the clanking of keys as he typed with one hand and tapped against the computer with the other. Being awake at this ungodly hour gave him far too much time to be alone in his own head. The events from earlier that day unfolded again and again in his mind, and he could only keep his eyes on the screen and tap faster, despite there being a lack of anything to do.

He desperately wanted to talk, yet he wanted nothing more than to be alone.

It was agonizing.

His hands halted, and he rapidly closed his laptop, pushing it off to the other side of the bed before rolling over on his side. In his sleep-deprived, contradictory state, he reached for his phone and allowed himself to fall victim to his subconscious.

**[To: Shizu-chan**

\- Here's another glimpse~ （；￣︶￣）]

There was no response for a few minutes, but his phone lit back up and he couldn't help but smile.

Whether it was a genuine smile or a smirk, he couldn't tell.

**[From: Shizu-chan**

\- how the hell do you have my number

\- Why are you even awake

\- Go to bed and leave me alone before i go over there and punch you asshole

**To: Shizu-chan**

\- Ooo, so scary ੧| ‾́ 〜 ‾́ |੭

**From: Shizu-chan**

\- stop making those damn faces!

**To: Shizu-chan**

\- （；￣︶￣）]

No response.

Izaya put his phone down and closed his eyes, slowly being embraced by the sweet release of sleep for the first time in what felt like forever.

He didn't wake up until late that afternoon. At first, he couldn't even move from his bed, and it took everything he had in him to not let himself fall back asleep. That had to have been the best night's sleep he had in a long time.

Mildly depressing, but true.

He managed to prop himself up on his shoulder, reaching for his phone, bemused when he saw several messages from Shizuo.

**[From: Shizu-chan**

\- did you mean when you said you were sorry

\- i know you didn't but it was really random and weird]

Four hours later.

**[From: Shizu-chan**

\- Are you dead or something?]

It was almost cute, in a way, Izaya thought.

He couldn't even be disgusted.

**[To: Shizu-chan**

\- Aw, were you worried about me? I'm flattered~

\- What do you think?]

With a yawn, Izaya tossed his phone aside on the bed before sauntering over to his suitcase, grabbing whatever clean clothes he could find before heading to the bathroom. He was immediately met by his own reflection, horrendous eye bags and all, frowning as he did so. He turned the faucet on, letting the water run cold before splashing his face with it, hoping to snap out of whatever trance he was in. He ended up not bothering getting dressed, sticking with his pajamas after realizing that he really wasn't prepared to leave his room. It might have done him some good, but Izaya wasn't exactly one to prioritize his mental health.

After spending time pulling himself back together, Izaya returned to his room, drawn to his lit up phone.

**[From: Shizu-chan**

\- How am i supposed to know]

Izaya involuntarily chuckled as he fell onto his bed, clutching his phone to his chest. He couldn't bring himself to stop, and there were almost tears in his eyes.

_How am I supposed to know indeed._

. . .

"Not this again."

If there was anything Tanaka Tom had been thankful for in recent years, it was Shizuo's happiness. Not only did Shizuo's lack of violent outbursts help with his own mental health, but it meant a lot to see a close friend he had known for so long and had personally seen struggle for years on end finally be at peace with himself. For the longest time, work days had been tedious; little sidebar on Shizuo's end, street signs and vending machines thrown left and right, and long, unbearable nights of overtime. In a way, Shizuo had been almost insufferable to deal with.

Then one day, everything changed.

Shizuo smiled more, talked more, and suddenly, work was a lot more bearable. Not to say Tom didn't enjoy Shizuo's presence, but it warmed his heart to watch this evolution in action. That wasn't to say that everything in Shizuo's life was perfect. He had found himself asking recently if his junior was doing alright, but he had noticed that something about him had been off for some time. Tom wasn't one to pry; not too much, at least. Shizuo was more of a listener than a rambler. If he wanted to talk, Tom decided to let him when the time was right.

That aside, things had been going great, until that moment.

Tom couldn't even remember the last time Shizuo had been this temperamental. Of course, if Shizuo didn't like someone, he made that very clear, but he didn't seem to be in the mood for liking anyone.

Especially not the poor man that had just been flung two blocks away by the sheer force of a street sign.

"Shizuo," Tom began, placing his hand on his friend's shoulder. Shizuo turned to face him, his frown softening from something of anger to disappointment, like a child being scolded by his mother. "I think you should go home."

"I'm fine," Shizuo protested, stepping away from Tom and reaching for his pack of cigarettes on impulse.

Tom sighed.  _Like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum._

"I'm gonna go find that guy."

Without waiting for Tom, Shizuo hurried down the street, and Tom followed in pursuit, patience wearing thin. Tom wasn't the only impatient one, yet Shizuo couldn't say anything. If there was one person Shizuo couldn't bring himself to lash out on, it was Tom.

"Is this about what happened with Izaya?" Tom finally forced himself to ask.

Shizuo kept walking.

"Speaking of which, what even happened?"

"I don't know," Shizuo grumbled.

Puzzled, Tom responded, "You don't know?"

"He's playing his damn mind games again, and I just want to be left alone."

"Then you should go home!" Tom pleaded.

"What is the boss gonna think if I skip out again? I already did that yesterday."

"You never take time off."

"Exactly."

The two continued their walk in silence until Shizuo eventually found the man and the street sign lying on the ground. Shizuo got down on his knees and gently shook him to wake him up, and the man screamed as soon as he realized who was in front of him. Tom stood by and watched as Shizuo gave the man a rather quick, yet sincere apology, even with his disgruntled aura. Shizuo rose and extended his hand, and the man took it before hurrying off, certainly traumatized and very, very confused.

"That was pretty nice of you," Tom said, smiling fondly as they began their return back. "You never apologize."

Flustered, Shizuo tried his best to reply. "He didn't even do anything. It was just me being an asshole. Figured he deserved an apology."

"I'm taking you out drinking tonight. My treat."

Shizuo fell silent, and Tom couldn't help but smirk, not out of malice, but simple amusement. After a moment, Shizuo spoke. "Thank you."

Tom dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "Now, who will our next client be..."

Beside him, Shizuo smiled, and his worries disappeared into the nighttime chaos of the city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confusion and complication everywhere!
> 
> Sometimes this fic just writes itself. I'd love to point out what I did because it's kind of subtle, but I feel like that defeats the purpose. oh well, still vaguely proud of myself. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, and I'll see you Friday!


	6. interlude - the legend of the strongest man

Once there was a monster who dreamed of becoming human.

He had had a normal childhood. He had normal parents, a normal brother, normal everything. His life had been nothing more than mundane, until one day, everything changed.

Out of nowhere came an uncontrollable rage and an unexplained, unparalleled strength, caused by something so trivial and so small he almost couldn't believe it.

This strength and this rage continued, and continued, and continued.

Nothing would be normal for him ever again.

Over time, the monster had embraced his strength, not because he loved it, but because he knew in his heart that nothing would change.

He would never be able to control it, especially not against the man he despised the most.

He hated how he was drawn to the man, and how despite their mutual hatred, they could never separate.

He had almost given up all hope when he almost killed the man.

He was going to prove the man right; he  _was_ a monster.

And so, years passed.

It was then, and only then, that the monster realized that he was just a man, just as fragile and lonely as any other.

Once there was a monster who dreamed of becoming human.

Yet, he had been human all along. The man had been wrong, and so had he.

"How naive," the man laughed. "To think that I was something less than human."


	7. keep your friends close and your enemies closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shinra seemed a little jealous.

If you had told Shizuo two years ago that one day he would be texting Orihara Izaya and holding a civil conversation, he would've thrown you so far you'd end up in the following week.

Strangely enough, talking to Izaya had taken up a good part of his week following the "incident," as he called it. Of course, it hadn't started out with smooth sailing. It couldn't, with all of the chaos brewing between them. Either Izaya had lost his mind or he had a death wish, and Shizuo could admit he was a little concerned to find out which it was.

The following day, Shizuo received a text.

**[From: Flea**

\- I'd like to make a deal with you.]

Shizuo groaned, and debated for minutes on end on whether or not he would even answer. The opportunity was too good, so he caved in.

**[To: Flea**

\- none of those weird faces or anything

\- You're serious]

He could almost hear Izaya chuckle.

**[From: Flea**

\- I can't leave you alone. It's too much fun messing with you.

\- But

\- You can get your wish, and we can stop being enemies. This will be my way of messing with you.

\- In exchange, you forget that yesterday ever happened.

**To: Flea**

\- How do I know I can trust you

**From: Flea**

\- I embarrassed myself in front of you. Multiple times.]

Shizuo smiled to himself as he typed.

**[To: Flea**

\- Yeah you did

**From: Flea**

\- Deal?

**To: Flea**

\- Deal]

_What have I done._

. . .

"Shizuo-kun, this is great news! Now I've had all three of my teenage dreams come true."

" _That_  was one of your dreams?"

Shinra beamed. "Why wouldn't it be? I wanted nothing more than for you two to get along from the start."

"But we're not getting along," Shizuo replied, crossing his arms. "I'm tolerating his bullshit, for once."

Shinra leaned in a little too close for comfort and Shizuo backed up against his chair. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say there's a friendship forming."

Shizuo scoffed. "Don't be an idiot."

"Anyway," Shinra fell back in his own seat and tapped his fingers against the table. "What were your dreams back then?"

Shizuo was silent in thought for a moment. "Controlling or getting rid of my strength somehow. Killing Izaya. Graduating."

Shinra chuckled. "There. You have no right to make fun of me."

"Okay, and let me guess, your other two were to have Celty like you back and to become a doctor."

Shinra shook his head in disappointment, yet his smile remained. "When did you get so sassy?"

Shizuo shrugged the question off and was met with a pouting Shinra. The corners of his mouth formed a smile, and Shinra's soon followed suit. Shizuo would have to admit, it was nice spending more time with Shinra. He was still, well, Shinra, but he had felt a little guilty for never stopping by because, as Shinra put it, "the fate of Ikebukuro was in the balance." There was always something going on in the city, but for the first time, Shizuo could visit Shinra and not have it be because he had been shot by a Yellow Scarves member, had accidentally kidnapped a child, or had to help stop his brother's girlfriend's stalker. Things hadn't been this way since they were in elementary school. It was strange to think about.

Still, as he gazed at the man he had come to known since childhood, he couldn't help be haunted by Izaya's words.

_"You do know what he did, right?"_

Fortunately, Celty's sudden arrival stopped him from thinking about it.

Shinra practically jumped out of his chair, rushing to the door as he heard the knob turn. Celty stood in the doorway, attempting to take her boots off only to stop when Shinra greeted her in a tight embrace.

"Welcome home!"

Shinra's hold on Celty was so tight that she couldn't even reach for her PDA, and Shizuo watched as her shoulders sagged as if she were sighing before she returned the hug.

"I know, but I still missed you."

Shizuo paused all other thoughts, and stared blankly at the happy couple.

_Seriously, how can he do that?_

Shinra eventually released his bride-to-be and Celty filled the vacant seat beside him at their kitchen table.

[It's good to see you again.]

Shizuo nodded in reply. He didn't have anything in particular to say, and fortunately, Shinra began rambling before he even had the chance.

"Celty, you're not going to believe this."

Frantically, she began typing.

[Don't tell me...does it have anything to do with aliens? Anything? Are we doomed?]

Shinra cast her a suspicious glance. "Have you been watching those documentaries again?"

She began to type, and ended up putting her PDA down.

"It has something to do with Shizuo, unless you want to consider him an alien," Shinra said rather enthusiastically. "Seriously, one of these days you have to let me dissect-"

"Shinra."

Shizuo said it, Celty faced him with what Shizuo could assume was a judgmental stare, and Shinra fell silent.

[What happened?]

Shizuo explained as briefly as he possibly could, and at first, Celty couldn't respond. Shinra seemed shocked himself to hear it again despite his earlier excitement. It wasn't something any of them had ever expected to happen, or to hear about. Ikebukuro was a city of wonder, surprise, and change, but Izaya's recent actions took the cake.

[So you visited Izaya's hotel room?]

That was a rather odd question.

"Yeah. Why?"

[I need you to take me there. I've actually been assigned to find him.]

"That doesn't sound good."

Celty nodded. [Well, it's a personal request from Shiki-san himself.]

Shizuo blankly stared at her.

"He's from the Awakusu-kai," Shinra butted in. "Celty, Izaya, and I all work for him."

Shizuo rose from his seat. "Alright, I can take you there."

[Thank you.]

Shinra didn't move nor face them, sending them off with a wave. "Have fun."

Shizuo raised his brows and Celty seemed to sigh as she led Shizuo to where Shooter was parked. From her hands came a helmet of shadows that she passed to Shizuo before settling on her bike. Shizuo begrudgingly put the helmet on before joining her, and Shooter whinnied as they took off into the night.

The ride to Izaya's was far less painful than it had been to be dragged there against his will, though the silence outside of Shizuo giving directions was a bit unnerving. Granted, having Celty type while driving wasn't exactly the best idea. Still, Shizuo wondered what this enigmatic Shiki-san would want with Izaya.

_Probably got into some shit before he disappeared,_  was what he decided on.

Eventually they arrived, and Celty parked Shooter off to the side as if to avoid gathering too much attention. Of course, it was futile when you considered the people involved. No matter how much time passed, Celty Sturluson, Heiwajima Shizuo, and Orihara Izaya would be immortalized in this bustling city of the extraordinary. The elevator ride was proof enough of this. No one dared step on with them, and when they reached Izaya's floor, everyone waiting immediately vanished. The two were infamous even in Shinjuku. Fortunately, not having to deal with anyone made it easy for Shizuo to take Celty to Izaya. He knocked twice at the door, and when there was no answer, he knocked again. "Flea, open up."

The door unlocked and a welcoming Izaya stood in the doorway. "Ah, Shizu-cha-"

His demeanor warped when he noticed Celty beside Shizuo. It was as clear as day, and had Celty had the ability to frown, she most likely would have. [I need to talk business with you.]

"Come in." Izaya stepped back, opening the door further and allowing them to enter. He sauntered over to his makeshift desk, turning the chair around to face the two, gesturing for them to take a seat. "I'm assuming Shiki-san sent for you. Do I want to know what for?"

[He has something he wants you to look into.] Celty began. [He didn't give me any specifics, but he did say he'd prefer you over anyone else now that you're back.]

Izaya leered. "Oh? I just might have to look into it, then."

Shizuo grimaced. "I'm heading out."

Izaya's eyes followed him as he left and he called out, "Nice seeing you, Shizu-chan."

"Mhmm." Shizuo closed the door behind him and began his descent back down to the ground floor and outside. He found comfort in his cigarettes, puffing smoke out into the air as he leaned against a streetlight. One soon became two, and he found himself wondering if he should text Celty to check up on her. He couldn't imagine that whatever she was being subjected was pleasant.

_There I go again._  He sighed, letting the bud fall from his fingers before crushing it with his shoe.  _Have some faith in him._

Celty exited the building and approached him not too long after, PDA in hand.

"How did it go?"

[He accepted it, no surprise there.]

Shizuo opened his mouth to reply, only to silence himself as he noticed Celty typing once more. [He seems really off, though.]

Shizuo snorted. "Yeah, no kidding."

[You're taking this better than I thought you would.]

"It's not easy, but I've had two years to think about it," he began, gazing up at the hotel building in thought. "Honestly, I wish he had never even came back, but only because he's so confusing. Something's up with him, but I think he's trying to be decent for once."

Celty nodded. [Still, it's hard to accept. This is Izaya we're talking about.]

"Trust me, I know. But if I can change, maybe he can too."

Shizuo could almost see the warm smile radiating from Celty's words. [I'm proud of you.]

He turned away, adjusting his sunglasses with a shy smile. "Shut up."

[I mean it. You're not normally so open-minded. I can only hope I can get to that point.]

"You're giving me too much credit," Shizuo said grimly.

[The fact that you're even considering giving him the benefit of the doubt says a lot.]

Shizuo simply shrugged it off. "We really need to talk about something other than Izaya."

Celty's shoulders shook as she typed her response. [Have you seen the trailer for Kasuka's new movie yet?]

That managed to make him smile. "'Course I have."

[We should go see it when it comes out.]

It was so casual, and so unlike an urban legend such as the Headless Rider. Shizuo couldn't help but laugh. "Can you imagine the two of us going to the movies together?" It was so mundane, yet so unnatural.

He wasn't complaining.

[We'll just go at a weird time or something…]

Shizuo could sense Celty's hesitation, and with a smile he replied, "I'd like that."

Celty stared down at her PDA for a moment before typing. [We should probably head back. Shinra seemed a little jealous.]

"Jealous?"

[Izaya hasn't contacted him at all.] She clarified. [I can tell that he likes listening to you talk about him, but he's bothered by it, too.]

"Isn't Shinra Izaya's only friend?"

[Exactly.]

"Well," Shizuo started, turning on his heel and making his way towards Shooter. "Let's go."

. . .

Seeing Celty was the last straw.

Tomorrow, Izaya had decided, he would text Shinra.

Fate was either kind or cruel as he found himself waking up in his friend's arms, Shinra greeting him with a smile.

"Good to see you again, Orihara-kun."

. . .

Someone was in the room.

He couldn't help but curse himself for how careless he had been. At the time, leaving his room to get some fresh air and call Shiki had seemed like a good idea, especially after he had, once again, been holed up in his room all day. He'd get his laundry done, figure out what Shiki wanted, and be a functioning member of society once more.

He should've expected this. Shiki was only just now trying to contact him, not even directly, weeks after his return. In those few weeks, no one had acted. Izaya hadn't left with a clean slate, and he certainly wouldn't return with one, as long as someone knew he was back. News travelled quickly in Ikebukuro. Someone, surely, would come to kill him.

It was his night in the hospital all over again. The euphoria he had felt as he attempted to guess which one of his many enemies would try to take his life seemed decades apart from the chill that now ran down his spine. After his fight with Shizuo, Izaya had become increasingly aware of his own mortality, and how that scared him.

He didn't dare turn around at first, but he knew someone was certainly waiting on the other side of his room, crawling out from whatever hiding place they had found while he had been absent. Cautiously, he reached for his phone with one hand and his switchblade with the other, and he silently lay in wait. His finger hovered over Shinra's contact as he attempted to come up with a plan. Hiding out for so long had made him far too rusty for someone in his line of work. It was pathetic, he thought.

It was pathetic, but maybe he could accept his fate. Maybe dying right then and there was what he deserved.

That thought didn't last long, but it was already too late. His mind was too slow to process anything, and he was already on the ground. His phone flew from his hand, and red began to fill his vision as his blood stained the floor. The deja vu was almost too intense to handle. He wondered if he was dreaming, reliving being stabbed by Yodogiri Jinnai, but this time with a gunshot. His fingers reached for his phone, and for a moment, he hesitated. The thoughts returned; maybe he deserved this.

But Orihara Izaya would be damned if he wasn't the most stubborn bastard alive.

His bloodied fingers hit the call button, and his phone rang, rang, rang.

He wanted to curse Shinra, but he wasn't in the position to.

Eventually, he picked up.

_"Ah, I was wondering how long it would take for you to call. Hello again, Orihara-kun."_

Izaya's eyes fluttered shut.

_"Oh, so this is how it's going to be. I see."_

Silence.

_"Orihara-kun?"_

No answer.

Then, it hit him.

_"Izaya?"_

. . .

"Shinra?"

Dazed, Izaya looked up at his friend. He attempted to pull himself up, only to collapse against Shinra's lap, closing his eyes.

"I guess we're even now." Shinra grinned, clearly pleased despite the situation. He didn't ask any questions. He didn't have to.

So he had thought.

"Thank you."

Shinra's eyes widened, and he turned to Celty, looking for answers she didn't have.

Yet, he smiled.  _I was right._  "Do I need to examine your brain too? Something's got to be wrong with you."

"I could say the same for you."

Shinra gasped. "How cruel!"

_Welcome back, Izaya._

. . .

4:13 am.

**[From: Flea**

\- Shizu-chan, I need a favor ｡(*^▽^*)ゞ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the plot thickens!
> 
> Don't worry, it's not going to be anything crazy like last time. But, it's not an Umi Hinode fic if someone doesn't get stabbed/shot in chapter 4/5. Sorry Izaya. For the third time.
> 
> Next time, things escalate quickly, and feelings slowly become less confusing. See you then!


	8. smoke and mirrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> his reaction fell somewhere on the spectrum between "not surprising" and "holy shit."

"Ah, there's my knight in shining armor!"

"I'm leaving."

"Shizu-chan!"

Shizuo fought back a sigh as he turned around, leaning against the frame of Shinra and Celty's front door. "What?"

A shiver ran down his spine as Izaya winked, saying in what sounded to Shizuo like the most obnoxious voice ever (he was probably heavily biased), "Thank you."

"Disgusting."

. . .

It had taken him two whole minutes to pull himself together before he could respond to Izaya's text.

**[To: Flea**

\- it's 4 in the damn morning go to sleep!

**From: Flea**

\- But it's important （ΟΔΟ；；）

**To: Flea**

\- What

**From: Flea**

\- I need a place to stay. Someone thought it would be a good idea to break in and shoot me.]

His reaction fell somewhere on the spectrum between "not surprising" and "holy shit."

**[To: Flea**

\- Why can't you just stay with Shinra

**From: Flea**

\- Would you want to stay with him and Celty?]

Well, that would be awkward.

**[To: Flea**

\- You got shot

\- Can you really afford to be picky

**From: Flea**

\- Of course I can (｡•̀ᴗ-)

\- Come on, Shizu-chan~ What are friends for?

**To: Flea**

\- Dont act like you know me

**From: Flea**

\- But I do know you.]

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit_

The mantra played through his head as he hurriedly got dressed, too lazy to tie his bowtie and drowsy enough to forget his sunglasses, and as he locked the door to his apartment, beginning the walk to Shinra's in the silent hour.

_Why am I doing this?_

. . .

_Why am I doing this?_

Izaya didn't quite realize at first what exactly this rash decision would lead to. Texting was one thing; they were in two completely different prefectures, wrapped up in their own little worlds. Walking beside his lifelong nemesis on the way to temporarily stay at his place was absolutely nerve wracking. He could feel the tremors in his hand, and he couldn't tell if it was shock from being shot or panic from being way too close for comfort.

Shizuo was like a fire. You wanted to be close for the warmth and comfort it could provide, but get too close and you'd get burned.

That analogy left a bitter taste as Izaya thought back to that night. He really had fought fire with fire.

"Are you, uh, doing alright?"

_Smooth._

He couldn't judge Shizuo too harshly. Both of them were sacrificing their pride in this convoluted situation.

"Well, considering I got shot, I'd say I'm doing quite well. Shinra's great at what he does."

It took everything he had in him to not collapse right then and there.

"You're sure?"

Izaya chuckled and immediately regretted it, clutching at his side. His voice cracked as he replied, "You're awfully concerned."

Shizuo scoffed at him. "Better watch what you say flea, I don't have to let you stay with me."

"You wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place if you were going to just kick me out."

Shizuo didn't reply, and Izaya smiled, reveling in the moment. For a moment, it felt as if they were the only people in the world. The neon signs that illuminated the city faded, not a passerby was seen, and all was quiet. It was almost calming, yet simultaneously disturbing, to see Ikebukuro in this state. For Izaya, it was almost peaceful, there in the city he loved with the man he-

Well, he wasn't all that sure about how he felt.

Their lives were far too intertwined for them to simply be acquaintances, and though Izaya had thrown the word around loosely, they weren't exactly friends.

Yet, there they were, together in their own little world, in the peace and quiet of the city.

"Don't worry," Izaya began abruptly. "I won't be staying with you long. I've been looking for a new apartment, and I think I found the one. I just need a place to stay until I can seal the deal."

"Alright."

His response was so casual that Izaya had to do a double take. For the first time, it almost seemed like Shizuo's earlier anger wasn't genuine.

_You're just as unpredictable as always._

Silence dominated the remainder of their trip, and Izaya was free to sightsee, taking in the home he had left behind. Ikebukuro was the same as always - he hadn't doubted that - but taking in every little detail was like therapy.

The details came together in his mind, piecing together like a puzzle and replaying one particular moment in his mind. Upon realizing this, Izaya paused, Shizuo following suit.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine," Izaya replied. "I was just thinking. This is where it all started."

"What?"

Amused, Izaya clarified. "This is where you were hit by that truck after chasing me."

A light bulb practically went off over Shizuo's head. "Yeah, I guess it is. Damn, that feels like forever ago."

Curious, Izaya asked, "Did you ever think we'd have fought for as long as we did?"

"Ideally, I would've killed you before it could've lasted that long."

Izaya chuckled. "Brutal honesty, brute."

"I already told you, I don't wanna kill you now. I was just sayin'." Shizuo continued down the street, not waiting for Izaya to catch up. "Hurry up, I've gotta leave for work in a few hours."

Izaya trailed after him, keeping his distance until they reached Shizuo's apartment. Izaya couldn't help but be surprised as Shizuo opened the door, turning the lights on to reveal a rather clean living room. Not that he took Shizuo to be a slob, but he didn't imagine it to be so neat. It was also as if no one lived there.

So it seemed, until he got a chance to wander around.

"I'm going to bed. Wake me up before my alarm and I might actually kill you."

Izaya saluted in return. "Understood."

Somehow, he wasn't all that tired, and curiosity got the better of him. Shizuo's living room was about as basic as basic could be, the only real highlight being the DVD lineup on his TV stand. Izaya involuntarily smiled. He didn't need to get closer to read the titles; they were obviously all of Kasuka's movies, and nothing else. He would never, ever admit it, but it warmed his heart, ever so slightly, to see just how much Shizuo cared for his brother.

The next thing to catch his eye was the fridge, which he was surprised to find wasn't barren. He had to suppress a laugh as he studied the two drawings stuck to the fridge. In the bottom right corner of both was Akane's signature, with the date being two years prior. That was nothing to laugh at; it was both shocking and adorable to witness. Yet...

_What are you, her father?_

That was all the eye could see. If their earlier selfie was any indication, Shizuo wasn't a picture person, so the walls were barren. He didn't have a computer, which was probably a good thing considering his temper. The lack of decoration suddenly clicked in his mind. Shizuo probably didn't want to break anything.

With a sigh, Izaya curled up on the couch, trying his best to not agitate his wound and failing miserably. The stabbing pain was sure to keep him up all night.

_"No major organs or arteries were hit, thankfully."_

"No major organs or arteries were hit, thankfully," Izaya mocked Shinra in a whisper before squinting his eyes shut from the pain.

This was going to be a long day.

. . .

When Shizuo woke up, Izaya was sound asleep, though rather uncomfortably based on his position. Shizuo would have felt bad, had it not been for the almost serene smile on his face despite everything. He had to wonder if he was still asleep himself. Part of him was amazed that Izaya was even still there, and that it wasn't a joke. Judging by the look on his face, it couldn't be.

_Still...why stay with me?_

There were too many things about Izaya that he figured he would never understand.

Instead of dawdling and sitting around wondering just what Izaya's motivations were, Shizuo hurriedly got ready for work, suiting up in yet another of his bartender outfits. As he adjusted his bowtie, his phone went off on the other side of the room.

**[From: Shinra**

\- How's he doing?]

As he read those words, Shizuo hatched the perfect plan. Cautiously, he returned to the living room, circling the couch until he could see Izaya once more, sound asleep. Making sure that his sound was off, Shizuo snapped a picture of him and sent it to Shinra. With a triumphant smile, he tapped on Izaya's contact and began typing.

**[To: Flea**

\- I'm heading out

\- Dont destroy the place while I'm gone or ill kill you]

After hitting send, he cautiously approached the door, opening it and slipping out into the sunlight.

The relief that washed up on Tom's face when he arrived at work was unmistakable, and he couldn't help but feel a little concerned. He wasn't exactly one to pry when it came to his senior, so he kept his mouth shut. Fortunately, Tom did the talking for him. "You're in an awfully good mood."

"Am I?"

"Well," Tom said. "You're smiling first thing in the morning."

Shizuo flushed, awkwardly tapping his cheek. "It's nothing."

Tom chuckled. "I won't ask. I just hope you can stay like this all day. Think you can do that?"

"Depends on the clients," Shizuo replied.

"Well, as long as you don't throw anyone across the city again, I think we'll be fine."

Sheepish, Shizuo mumbled, "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it. You've been doing a lot better lately."

Shizuo shrugged, half in agreement, before following Tom down the street, ready to start the day.

. . .

Izaya was gone when he got home.

For a moment, he wondered if he hadn't just been imagining things. The past few weeks had felt like nothing more than a dream, so that thought was something to be considered.

Somewhere in his heart, he might have felt disappointed.

That is, until the front door slowly opened, and sure enough, there he was.

"There you are."

Izaya didn't face him at first as he propped himself against the doorway, sliding his shoes off. "Sorry, I met up with Shiki-san." When he looked up, he found Shizuo staring at him only to awkwardly avert his eyes.

"And went shopping, I guess," Shizuo pointed out. "Never thought I'd see the day where you don't have that damn coat."

"There's nothing wrong with a little variety." Izaya's eyes met his, and Shizuo frowned.

Izaya walked past him and Shizuo noticed the plastic bag Izaya was holding as he set it down on the kitchen island. "I'm checking out the apartment tomorrow," he said as he removed the contents from the bag.

Shizuo stared at him questioningly. "What, are you making dinner or something?"

"As a matter of fact, I am," Izaya replied smugly as he sorted everything in front of him. "Do you really live on just cup ramen and cheap microwave crap?"

"Yeah, so what?"

Izaya clicked his tongue condescendingly. "Well, I can't remember the last time I had a home cooked meal, so I'm treating myself, and you too, I suppose."

Intrigued, Shizuo followed him to the kitchen, taking a seat at the island. "Alright, what are we having?"

"Yakisoba. Nothing too special, but better than anything you have stashed around here." Izaya crouched down, searching through the cupboards. Shizuo couldn't help but watch in amusement as everything unfolded in front of him. He had never taken Izaya for a chef, yet his efficient manner of preparing the meal proved otherwise.

Strangely, watching Izaya cook in front of him made him feel much stranger than anything else that had happened thus far. The atmosphere that had filled his apartment ever since Izaya had arrived had just been so...casual, almost as if they hadn't spent the past twelve years hating each other with every fiber of their beings. He was so lost in that thought that he didn't even notice that a plate of yakisoba had been placed in front of him, alongside a bowl of soup.

"Shizu-chan."

Hearing Izaya managed to snap him out of it, and he could almost feel his mouth water as he saw what sat in front of him. "Damn that looks good."

"You act like you haven't eaten a proper meal in years."

"Shut up," Shizuo shot back before murmuring out of respect, "Thank you for the meal."

Izaya handed him a pair of chopsticks, and the second the noodles met his mouth he fell in love.

"I didn't think you'd be into this kinda stuff."

Izaya made a noise that suggested indifference before taking a bite from his own plate. "I had to be, for the twins' sake."

Shizuo had gone in for another bite when he suddenly stopped. "What about your parents?"

Coughing followed his question, and Shizuo watched, mildly concerned, until Izaya cleared his throat. Whether it was by accident or a genuine reaction to his question, Shizuo would never know as his response was rather nonchalant. "They were always overseas."

"Oh," Shizuo said simply, gaze falling to his food.

He didn't things could get any stranger, but the universe was there to prove him wrong. Only in Ikebukuro could something like this happen.

"Do you at least like cooking?"

"I hated it back then, but I guess I've missed it lately."

Shizuo looked up, curious to see Izaya's expression. He had never seen this side to him before, nor imagined seeing it. Then again, he had never really given him a chance. This really was the first time they were having a completely normal, face to face conversation in the twelve years since they had met.

"Now that I think about it, neither me or Kasuka were really into cooking," Shizuo found himself saying.

Izaya chuckled. "Ooh, does everyone's favorite star really live on cheap cup ramen like his brother?"

"Shut up," Shizuo retorted, yet he found himself smiling.

"Speaking of that, is there  _anything_  your brother's into?" Izaya asked, resting his chin in one hand and tapping his chopsticks with the other. "Besides acting and Hijiribe Ruri, of course. He's the exact opposite of you, so-"

"Really?"

"You might be unpredictable, but you do wear your heart on your sleeve," Izaya replied before slurping down his last bit of noodles. "Kasuka is about as emotionless as a streetlight."

(Elsewhere, Heiwajima Kasuka felt a sudden urge to sneeze.)

"He's not emotionless," Shizuo protested. "He's just quiet, s'all."

Izaya smiled faintly. "Well, you're not exactly the most outgoing person yourself. I guess you're not exact opposites, though you do contrast each other well. You almost remind me of the twins."

Shizuo groaned at the mention of them.

"What? You're allowed to be obsessed with your brother, but the twins aren't?"

"I'm not obsessed!"

Izaya smirked. "You wear the same bartender outfits just about every day."

"They were a gift!" Shizuo fired back. He set his chopsticks down to avoid snapping them between his fingers and let out a sigh.

"You take everything so seriously, Shizu-chan."

"Yeah, yeah," Shizuo grumbled, averting his eyes and gazing at the clock instead. "How is it already after midnight?"

"What, is it past your bedtime?" Izaya crooned.

Shizuo rose from his chair and began walking off, completely ignoring his remark. "I'm going to bed."

"Good night," Izaya sing-songed. Shizuo didn't face him, simply holding up his hand to wave in response.

What Izaya couldn't see was something of a smile.

. . .

And what Shizuo couldn't see was a genuine, mirrored smile tugging at Izaya's lips.

Izaya could lie to himself and to others, but actions certainly spoke louder than words.

There wasn't an apartment. At least, not for the time being.

But that wasn't something Shizuo needed to know just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would make a "oooo the plot thickens" joke but I already did that last time. Oops.
> 
> Geez this fic is going by so fast. We're already almost halfway through, which, I know, seems crazy, but this is a pretty short fic. I've got to get to writing more.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading, and I'll see you Friday!


	9. one percent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he couldn't make amends, he couldn't start over, but he would always chase after the extraordinary.

For a moment, Izaya had to wonder if Shizuo was catching on.

Then he remembered that this was Heiwajima Shizuo he was talking about, and there couldn't be a man more dense than him, even as they lived underneath the same roof.

'Lived under the same roof.' He couldn't help but laugh. The life he had lived for the past week or so seemed so far away from the reality he had come to know, yet here he was, lying comfortably on Shizuo's couch with his laptop in his lap, humming as he aimlessly browsed between files for work and random chatrooms. He had so much to catch up on, and he had hardly covered anything in the time since he had returned. In the city that never sleeps, it was almost impossible to recover two years of lost knowledge.

"Still apartment hunting?" Shizuo called from the kitchen, finally letting his presence be known. Izaya had been too wrapped up in procrastinating to even notice.

"Boring," Izaya yawned. "I need some entertainment. Why, do you want me out that badly?"

Shizuo hesitated, instead opening the fridge and pouring himself a glass of milk. "Well, you haven't caused any problems. Yet."

Izaya sat up, closing his laptop as he did so. "Ye of little faith. I'm not the same man any more."

"Yeah, I guess not."

_Again with the brutal honesty._  Izaya couldn't help but shudder. Shizuo was terrifying, though far unlike how he had been before.

"I'm heading out." Shizuo set his glass down and headed for the door without a second thought.

As he was heading out, Izaya called after him, waving as he did so. "Later."

The door closed behind him, and Izaya reached for his computer, opening it back up and briskly typing a few words into his search bar.

He needed to find an apartment, and fast.

. . .

_"I don't believe in god. There's no proof he exists. In a world where there isn't even proof of the future, the past exists. Even if it's tainted with misunderstandings and delusions, if the people themselves believe in it, the past is the truth to them. And, if you base your actions or your life around it, in a way, it's a type of god itself."_

. . .

Two years prior, Izaya had fled Ikebukuro and found himself in the small town of Bunokura. The town could never quite measure up to the infamy of Ikebukuro, though the secrets and scandals held even within such a small, tight-knit town drew him in.

It was around this time that he began to realize several things about himself, though there was one thing that could never quite change: his infatuation with humans and human nature. All things considered, that was most likely how he was able to finally sit down and consider his own nature. He had lost. He was trapped in a wheelchair because of his inability to back down. Back then, he had accepted his fate. He would die and become a martyr for his own cause, in order to make Shizuo into a true monster, and he had accepted it.

This was his punishment. He had no interest in rehabilitation, nor returning to Ikebukuro. He would live out the rest of his days as a wanderer, never truly recovering from his near fatal mistake.

His past had become his god.

He had held this firm belief, until Kinomiya Kazane contacted him out of the blue.

Orihara Izaya had come to understand that he was just as fragile as anyone. Deep down, he wanted to return to Ikebukuro. He wanted to walk, to skip through the city late at night, to see Shinra; hell, maybe even see his sisters. He wanted to be in the know, to understand the city better than anyone, as he had once before.

Most importantly, he wanted to confront Shizuo with this new understanding of the world. He couldn't rest until he took action.

Those two years would mean absolutely nothing if he couldn't even manage that.

_"Up until now, I would flashily skip about and run away despite my meddling while saying I love humans. Well, the monster…no, that seems deceiving. I got caught by the man who distanced himself from humans, and ended up like this. If I really love humans, then I should not run away from humans, monsters who are distanced from humans, and real monsters. I tried to gain what I wanted from a fixed distance, and I always tried to stay in a safe place. In terms of love, this is impure. That's right. It was impure. And so, I decided to not run anymore. I will hide from or trick others though. But even then, if a human who overcame such a predicament arrived right in front of me, I thought I would try to confront that person fair and square."_

He could never quite make amends for what he had done, but maybe, just maybe, he could have faith in that one percent.

Still, he found himself apologizing. He hadn't meant to; it just slipped out. He was just going to acknowledge his mistakes, and that he couldn't apologize for them.

_I'm sorry._

_I was wrong._

_You aren't a monster._

_I am._

He could call himself the monster, the villain, but deep down, he was just as human as anyone.

And that scared him more than Shizuo ever could.

. . .

_"How humans react in the situation that cannot be expected...to observe that is the biggest motive of my life. In order to achieve that, I will both cause trouble and help as much as I can."_

. . .

"Promise you're not up to anything?" Shizuo had asked him the morning of the second day of their strange journey of living together.

Izaya chuckled as he responded, donning an innocent smile as he did so. "Do I look like I'm up to anything?"

Shizuo grinned in amusement. "Sure do. Instead of resting bitch face you have resting plotting face."

"I have a beautiful face," Izaya retorted, sticking his tongue out. After earning an eye roll from Shizuo, Izaya reclined against Shizuo's couch, folding his arms and crossing one leg over the other. "I don't blame you for not trusting me. I worry about those who do so easily."

"People actually trust you?"

Izaya chose to ignore this comment. "I suppose you're not as gullible as I thought."

Shizuo inched closer, resting his arms on the top of the couch and glancing over at him with a faint smile. "And I guess you're not a complete piece of shit."

Things were progressing almost too well.

"Shizu-chan, you didn't hit your head, did you?" Izaya found himself asking. "Not too long ago you got upset over me taking a selfie with you."

Shizuo hesitated. "I might have overreacted."

"Might have," Izaya echoed with a chuckle.

"You embarrassed yourself in front of me, and I embarrassed myself in front of you. Now we're even."

Izaya hummed in thought. "I suppose we are."

The two sat in silence for a moment, and Shizuo reluctantly took a seat beside Izaya, attempting to peer over his shoulder as his thumbs glided across the screen. Izaya responded by turning himself so he sat with his back against the arm of the couch, shooting Shizuo a smug grin over his phone as he did so. Eventually he brought himself to ask something that had been bugging him for the past few days.

"Why are you letting me stay here?"

Shizuo was visibly at a loss for words as he struggled to piece his thoughts together. Izaya couldn't really blame him - he didn't exactly know what he was doing himself.

"You don't exactly trust me all that much. You could've just left me with Shinra, but you chose not to."

"I just…" Shizuo started, stopping himself briefly. "Something's off about you. It wasn't a lot, but you lent me that umbrella out of nowhere when you could've been an asshole instead." He couldn't help but laugh at how stupid he felt he sounded. "I don't know. I just want to give you a chance."

Izaya was stunned into silence. He refused to let Shizuo see this, however, hiding behind the comfort of his phone screen.

Now it was Shizuo's turn to intrude. "Why did you ask me anyway? Shinra would've let you stay. And what about the twins?"

"The twins probably want me dead more than you ever did," Izaya replied grimly. "Things are complicated with Shinra."

"Things aren't complicated here?"

Izaya shrugged his shoulders. "It's different. Shinra's the one person I've been able to call my friend."

"I don't get it, but I don't mind you staying here," Shizuo said, prompting Izaya to finally look up, letting his phone fall into his lap.

"Shizu-chan," Izaya drawled with a tease of a smile. "You're not setting me up, are you?"

Eyebrows raised, Shizuo responded, "What are you talking about?"

"You could easily use this as blackmail later," Izaya suggested, tone light as he shrugged.

"Maybe I just want to be nice. Guess you still don't know a whole lot about that yet, huh."

Izaya watched him leave the room with a wicked grin. He couldn't even be offended. If anything, he was proud, as ridiculous as that sounded. He had had his doubts, but he realized then that getting along would be just as interesting as before, if not more so.

Shizuo returned moments later, outstretching a hand holding the umbrella from weeks before to him. "Here."

Izaya accepted it, setting it on the ground beside his legs before meeting Shizuo with a sly smile. "How kind of you."

_I look forward to getting to know you, Heiwajima Shizuo._

. . .

Things were boring without Shizuo around, Izaya had come to realize. The apartment itself was boring. He no longer had his strange mashup of chess, Othello, and Shogi to play and no swivel chair to slide around in; just the ever looming collection of Kasuka's films, his phone, and his laptop, none of which were appealing in the slightest.

He would've judged Shizuo for seemingly not having any hobbies if it weren't the fact that he could hardly speak for himself. Causing trouble wasn't exactly a notable hobby.

**[To: Shizu-chan**

\- Shizu-chan, do you have any hobbies?]

No answer. Either it was a rather intense work day or Shizuo just didn't have an answer. Izaya was starting to think it was the latter.

**[To: Shizu-chan**

\- Smoking and eating cake don't count.

**From: Shizu-chan**

\- Shouldn't you be working

**To: Shizu-chan**

\- I should be asking you the same thing (￣ω￣)]

An uncomfortable amount of time later, Shizuo responded.

**[From: Shizu-chan**

\- (҂⌣̀_⌣́)

**To: Shizu-chan**

\- Shizu-chan?! Am I dreaming? Ｏ(≧▽≦)Ｏ

**From: Shizu-chan**

\- shut up!

**To: Shizu-chan**

\- You really need some new retorts （￣へ￣）Is shut up really the only thing in your vocabulary now?

**From: Shizu-chan**

\- well i can't tell you to get the hell out anymore

**To: Shizu-chan**

\- You could, technically.

**From: Shizu-chan**

\- Get back to work flea

**To: Shizu-chan**

\- Aye aye! (/^▽^)/]

Well, maybe things weren't so bad, if he could be fortunate enough to have moments like these. Now that he thought about it, Shizuo might have been the first real friend he had outside of Shinra, if he could even go far enough to use that word. Shinra wasn't exactly someone he could casually talk to like this; at least, they hadn't done so since high school. It was rather depressing, but Izaya could at least acknowledge that it was his own fault.

Being able to make proper connections with other people was a first, and with Shizuo of all people.

_As they say,_  Izaya mused.  _Life is an unknown course._

Izaya leaned over, resting his phone down on the coffee table before stretching his arms above his head. He had already been growing restless, but his legs were aching, having not moved all morning. His laptop soon joined his phone on the table as he practically jumped up from the couch, beginning to pace around the apartment.

_Apartment, work, apartment, work..._  His mind wandered back and forth as he paced, strangely indecisive for once. As he sat down with his computer once more, he found himself opting for something else. Following his muscle memory, Izaya typed in the address for the chatroom that once dominated his free time. Sure enough, there it was in all its glory, just as chaotic and crowded as always. Among the list of names, surprisingly none of them were new. Kanra was the only one missing.

When he reached the login screen, he hesitated. Would it be cowardly to make another account? Returning as Kanra could be interesting, he wanted to know how everyone would react knowing he was alive. But for now, he couldn't exactly call himself Orihara Izaya.

**[Kyo:**  As if this city could ever be normal! I thought for sure we of all people would know that by now~

**San:**  Agreed.

**Tanaka Taro:**  Still, a Raira student that's similar to Shizuo-san? That's a little concerning...]

_Oh?_  Izaya certainly hadn't expected that. His fingers finally reached the keys and he found himself typing.

[  **\- Chuuya has entered the chat. -**

**Kyo:**  Oh, what's this? Someone new?

**Bakyura:**  Ah, a beautiful name for a beautiful girl I presume! (*^▽^*)

**Saki:**  Bakyura...~

**Bakyura:**  Kidding, kidding!

**Saika:**  Nice to meet you, Chuuya-san.]

Part of him regretted not logging in as Kanra so he could remark on how none of them had changed, but perhaps it was for the best.

**[Chuuya:**  Nice to meet you all. Apologies if I'm intruding. （⌒▽⌒ゞ

**Tanaka Taro:**  Don't worry about it. We just haven't had anyone new in a while.

**Bakyura:**  The more the merrier!]

Izaya chuckled to himself. _If only he knew._

**[Tanaka Taro:**  Did someone invite you, Chuuya-san?

**Chuuya:**  Nope, I just happened to come across the link by chance. That's not a problem is it, Tanaka Taro-kun?

**Tanaka Taro:**  Not at all.

**Tanaka Taro:**  We've been missing someone for a while now, so it's nice to be back to our full number.]

_Missing, huh?_

**[Chuuya:**  So, what were you all talking about earlier, if you don't mind me asking?

**Tanaka Taro:**  We usually just talk about whatever's happening in Ikebukuro.

**Tanaka Taro:**  You know who Heiwajima Shizuo is, right?

**Bakyura:**  Kinda hard not to.

**Chuuya:**  Agreed, Bakyura-san! What about him~?

**Kyo:**  There's rumors going around about this eccentric first year at Raira Academy that seems like he'll be the next Shizuo-san!

**San:**  Doubtful.

**Chuuya:**  So who are they~?

**Kyo:**  Mizuchi Yahiro.

**San:**  Scary.

**Chuuya:**  Kyo, San, have you met him?

**Tanaka Taro:**  I know him.]

"Do tell, Mikado-kun," Izaya said to himself, intrigued by this Mizuchi Yahiro.

Rather, he was intrigued, until a more pressing matter came to his attention.

**[(PM) Tanaka Taro:**  Forgive me if I'm wrong, but

**(PM) Tanaka Taro:**  Izaya-san?

**(PM) Chuuya:**  How could you tell? 」(￣▽￣」)

**(PM) Tanaka Taro:**  It was a hunch more than anything.

**(PM) Tanaka Taro:**  Though...the honorifics kind of gave it away.

**(PM) Tanaka Taro:**  It's not like you to be the one asking for information, but I guess it makes sense.

**(PM) Chuuya:**  I'm out of the loop on just about everything. Mind catching me up~?]

Izaya was surprised that he accepted, though all things considered, it wasn't too unlike Mikado.

Within a few short hours, Izaya had learned just about everything he needed to know. Mikado might have relinquished the power he held in the Dollars, but he could never truly escape what he sought after in the first place, allowing him to become a gold mine of information.

In a way, Izaya supposed they were similar.

Chasing after the unattainable extraordinary, only to crash, burn, and start anew.

**[(PM) Tanaka Taro:**  Hey, Izaya-san?

**(PM) Chuuya:**  Yes?

**(PM) Tanaka Taro:**  Why didn't you just come back as Kanra? Most everyone knows that you're alive at this point. Why hide?

**(PM) Chuuya:**  I wouldn't call it hiding. I'll come back as Kanra eventually. For now I'm just amusing myself, that's all.

**(PM) Tanaka Taro:**  Well, it's good to have you back.

**(PM) Chuuya:**  It's good to be back.]

He couldn't make amends, he couldn't start over, but he would always chase the extraordinary.

. . .

"I'm back."

Izaya looked up from the screen he had spent the whole day staring at, meeting Shizuo with a dazed, yet welcoming expression. "Welcome home." His eyes couldn't help but wander, and he noticed a plastic bag in Shizuo's hand. "What's that?"

Shizuo approached him, setting the bag down on the coffee table in front of him. "Tom-san and I had Russia Sushi for dinner, so I thought I'd bring you something back. Shinra said that you liked ootoro."

Izaya beamed as he reached for the bag, setting it in his lap as he opened it. "You really got me ootoro?" He hadn't dared visit Russia Sushi just yet, and how he had missed Simon and Dennis's ootoro. He couldn't even maintain his composure as he stared longingly at his meal. He did manage to look up at Shizuo, albeit with a sly smile. "That was rather nice of you."

"Well, you made me dinner last week, so I thought I'd be nice," Shizuo muttered, crossing his arms.

"You're not just doing it so we're even?"

Shizuo frowned. "I can eat it instead if you want."

"No, no," Izaya protested, swiftly taking a bite and providing Shizuo with a satisfied smile in return. "Th-"

"Don't say thanks," Shizuo immediately cut him off. "It's weird."

Izaya nodded in agreement before taking another bite, murmuring to himself. "Oh, how I've missed you, my lovely ootoro."

"You're so weird." Shizuo plopped down beside him and Izaya instinctively scooted over, shoving his computer to the side and pulling the box of sushi into his lap. Shizuo leaned over to grab the remote, allowing the TV to flicker to life. The newscasters from Channel 666 greeted the two just in time for the late night news, and Izaya's attention switched from his food to the broadcast, interest piqued.

Much to his surprise, the news ended up being perhaps the most uneventful thing he had seen.

"That was underwhelming," he muttered, rising from the couch and discarding the now empty box. "And right after an old friend of me just finished filling me on everything I missed."

Shizuo blinked. "Shinra?"

"I have friends besides Shinra, you know."

"You said yourself that Shinra was your only friend."

Izaya found himself flushing and on the verge of stuttering, two things he never would have dared allow himself to do in the past. "Well...I have you now, I suppose."

"Are we friends?" Shizuo lightened his tone, thoughtfully glancing over at Izaya.

"You did just buy me my favorite food, we've been holding civil conversations on a daily basis, and not to mention, I'm living with you."

Shizuo buried his face in his hands. "This is so damn weird."

"We're growing, Shizu-chan." Izaya finally sat back down, managing to get Shizuo to look up.

"It's just so weird thinking that this could've happened earlier," Shizuo continued, eyes on his hands resting in his lap rather than on Izaya.

"Well, if you think about it, this all started because of you."

Shizuo froze, and it all came rushing back at once.

The clapping, the smug look on Izaya's face, as if he was the most important person in the world. Shizuo had hated the atmosphere around him. He didn't have to know anything else. It didn't matter that he was friends with Shinra.

_"You piss me off."_

That's all it took.

"I guess it is," Shizuo murmured. "But don't think you're off the hook. You did try to stab me."

"You tried to punch me first."

"I still have the scar, you know."

Now it was Izaya's turn to be taken aback. "Really? That's possible for you?"

Shizuo shrugged. "Guess so."

Izaya hummed in thought, placing an awkward pause in their conversation.

_If I didn't say that then, could we have gotten along?_  Shizuo wondered.

"Well, there's no use living in the past," Izaya finally said. "All that matters is that this is happening now, right?"

Shizuo nodded. "Yeah, you're right. Even though it's still weird as hell."

Amused, Izaya chuckled. "Didn't you say that you wanted this?"

"I'm not saying I don't like it. It's just hard to get used to."

"Live a little, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo's response came in the form of a yawn. "I can live later, now I need to sleep."

"Good night," Izaya replied, watching as Shizuo headed for his room, earning a quiet "'Night" in return. He found himself yawning as well, and with a sigh he turned off the TV, leaving him alone in the darkness of the living room.

. . .

At first, Shizuo couldn't fall asleep. He was exhausted after such a tiresome, tedious day of work, yet he couldn't get Izaya out of his mind. He had had several nights like this in the past, though this was far unlike the others. Whereas he would normally be filled with rage and cursing his enemy's existence, he was completely calm, reflecting on Izaya's words.

_We're growing._

His lips curved into a smile as he processed that. Normally he'd be quick to assume that Izaya had him tied right around his finger, but for the first time, Shizuo thought that he seemed genuine. He had never come across as genuine before.

_What happened to you while you were gone, Izaya?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chatroom appears! At first I wasn't going to bring it back, but it's too iconic to not include. Izaya's new handle, Chuuya, supposedly means "something that is pure and clean like water," though don't quote me on that. I thought the meaning was rather fitting.
> 
> On a side note, I published my first Love Live fic a few days ago! Don't get me wrong, I love writing these two, but it was so refreshing to write about my girls for a change. don't mind my shameless self promotion
> 
> Also! If I happen to not respond to your comment please don't take it personally! Sometimes I just don't know what to say or there's nothing I can really respond to. Just know that I greatly appreciate every single one. ♥ I'm grateful to have gotten a lot of support for this so far.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading! I'll see you Monday!


	10. all i wanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what is love?

**[San:**  We're doomed.

**Saika:**  Doomed?

**Kyo:**  What San means is that the two of us are doomed to forever be victims of unrequited love...

**Kyo:**  Well, not entirely~

**Junsei 100%:**  You two...

**Tanaka Taro:**  Unrequited love?

**Kyo:**  It's such a painful feeling, to know that the person you care for most can never return your love. Such a sad world we live in!

**Saki:**  Oh no, what happened?

**Junsei 100%:**  They're just talking about Hanejima Yuuhei. Nothing serious.

**Bakyura:**  Never dismiss the pains of heartbroken girls~

**\- Gaki has entered the chat. -**

**Gaki:**  What's this about unrequited love?

**Kyo:**  Gaki-san! Surely someone understands our pain.

**Gaki:**  I do, actually.

**Gaki:**  It's hard, but some things just aren't meant to be.

**Setton:**  The world works in mysterious ways.

**Bakyura:**  What is love~?]

. . .

**[ - The chatroom is currently empty. -**

**\- The chatroom is currently empty. -**

**\- The chatroom is currently empty. -**

**\- Chuuya has entered the chat. -**

**Chuuya:**  Unrequited love, huh?

**\- Chuuya has left the chat. -]**

. . .

For the first time in years, Shizuo dreamed of that day at the bakery.

The frustration and pure hatred he had felt surged through his body once more, all of that anger channeling into cracking the lollipop stick in his hand. He didn't think twice. He couldn't. He had just been a child; impulsive, clueless, and sensitive. He saw a defenseless woman, a woman who had shown him of all people such kindness he feared he'd never see again, struggling alone against the scum of the earth. The fear in her eyes was what did him in. His body moved on its own, hands grasping the nearest street sign and smashing it right through the window.

Everything after that was a blur. All he could see was the pile of unconscious bodies, the woman included, buried underneath the debris. His breathing was ragged, both from overexerting himself and out of fear.

He couldn't bring himself to face Kasuka after that, though in this dream world, he turned around, expecting to see his brother and instead seeing the woman, now with bandages all over her body and a crutch resting under her arm. She was exactly how he had seen her the very last time he had walked by the bakery.

And how his heart sank.

_I'm sorry._

He opened his mouth, but the words wouldn't come out. He tried again, and to no avail.

Just as he had feared all those years ago, the woman appeared forlorn, disappointment radiating from her. Shizuo took a step closer, extending his hand to her, only for her to disappear right in front of him. A bell rang in the distance, and as Shizuo turned in the direction it came from, the sunset from that day vanished. He no longer found himself on that lonely road, but in the crowded halls of what was once Raijin High School.

_"What the-"_  Shinra began out of shock before being cut off by a fifteen year old Shizuo.

_"There's nothing to 'what the-' about, idiot."_

_"Shizuo-kun…I've seen people giving themselves chocolate on Valentine's Day, but it's the first time I've seen anyone slip himself a love letter in his own shoe bobobobobobobo-I'm sorry!"_

Shizuo peered around the corner of the rows of shoe boxes to see his younger self pinching Shinra's cheek, engulfed in rage.

Love letter, shoe box, Shinra. Now he remembered.

The infamous "Bloody White Day" of their first year.

It was a supposed prank done by the third years, where a single pink envelope was placed in every first year boy's shoe box, Shizuo and Shinra included.

So Izaya had said.

_"Shizu-chan, why are you so mad? Isn't it a good thing that I let you know it was a prank before you fell for it?"_

_"Stop calling me Shizu-chan."_

_"Oooh, I'm so scared."_  Izaya stuck his tongue out at him.  _"Still, why are you fuming? Let me guess. When you got the love letter, your heart couldn't possibly have soared with the thought that the spring of your life had finally come, could it?"_

He had hated that Izaya was right. With Shinra at his side, he had went to the school's second ground, where the letters said to meet, just in case.

Of course, it remained nothing more than a prank. The other boys that had fallen for the notes ran off the second they saw Shizuo, leaving him alone with Shinra.

_"Shizuo-kun, you have quite a sense of duty in you. Even after what Orihara-kun told us, you came all the way here just in case yours turns out to be the only real letter."_

_"I had to. Kasuka's always saying, 'Nii-san, you're bad with words. That's all the more reason to cherish every letter you send or receive.'"_

Somewhere inside him, Shizuo had hoped that the letter was real, that there really was someone out there who wasn't afraid of him. It wouldn't make sense given the context of the holiday; girls typically were the recipients on White Day, whereas boys were the recipients on Valentine's Day. He knew that, yet a part of him still wanted to believe.

After the bakery incident, Shizuo had sworn off love. He wouldn't attach himself to anyone, save for Shinra. He was doomed for a life of loneliness with his strength, and he had accepted it.

Still, there was a smart, sweet girl with the brightest smile that he couldn't help but long to be closer to.

Until she happened to catch Raijin's Shadow Boss in action.

Their eyes met, and Shizuo recognized that fear from the woman in the bakery. For the second time in his life, Shizuo's heart broke.

All he had wanted was for someone to look him in the eyes without that fear, and to be able to connect to that person. He wanted to be able to control himself for them, to grow and change and find happiness.

The girl vanished from his view along with the rest of the city.

There, in the darkness, he heard someone say,  _"I'll never be afraid of you."_

He woke up, his hand outstretched to the other side of his bed that remained as vacant as he always feared it would.

. . .

Izaya had been sound asleep when Shizuo finally managed to pull himself out of bed, allowing him temporary freedom from their banter. What might have been a blessing before, however, now acted a curse in those hours before Izaya awoke. Izaya's comment about him having no hobbies hit rather hard in those moments as he sat at the kitchen island in his pajamas, sipping a glass of milk and aimlessly scrolling through the different apps on his phone. Someone like Heiwajima Shizuo just didn't have the time for hobbies, or the interest, patience, or talent.

Hobbies were something he had never really thought about; something foreign that someone as abnormal as himself didn't quite deserve.

_Quit getting in my head, dammit._

Somehow, he was more amused than annoyed. That had been happening a lot over the past week.

After drowning in loneliness for hours on end, Izaya finally graced the world with his presence, letting out a long yawn and stretching, only to pull all of his limbs back towards him, lightly clutching his side.

"You alright?" Shizuo asked, starting to get up from his chair and stopping when he saw how Izaya jumped.

Despite his reaction, Izaya made an "okay" sign with one hand. "Never better."

Not willing to pry any further, Shizuo instead said, "Hey, did you ever find out who shot you?"

"I believe I have." Izaya rose from the couch and pulled up a seat next to Shizuo. "Strangely enough, they just so happen to be from this organization Shiki-san has been having me investigate."

Curious, Shizuo replied, "What kind of organization?"

"A new terrorist organization that just started surfacing a few months ago."

"What the hell?" Shizuo began, only to lose all signs of concern as he followed up. "What did you do?"

Izaya gasped. "Shizu-chan, I'm hurt."

Shizuo rolled his eyes, slowly repeating his prior question. "What did you do?"

"I'm not involved at all. I would assume that they just tried to get rid of me so I wouldn't interfere," Izaya explained, kicking his legs over the edge of the seat. "After all, I did just return out of nowhere."

"Guess that makes sense," Shizuo said. "That sucks, though. 'Bukuro's been really quiet lately."

"It was only a matter of time," Izaya sighed, kicking his legs over the edge of his seat. "Well, my attacker being a part of this organization has made things a lot easier for me. It's all tying together like a bow on a present."

"You got shot."

"I'm still alive."

With a chuckle, Shizuo replied, "Well, you do have the resilience of a damn cockroach."

"Such big words for a simpleton such as yourself."

"What school did we both go to again?"

"Easy, Shizu-chan," Izaya crooned with a hint of smile. "I'm only kidding."

Shizuo downed the last of his drink, setting the glass down and heading off back down the hall. Izaya called after him, "So, what are your plans for today?"

"My plans?" Shizuo stopped, turning around and gazing at Izaya in thought. "I don't know. Haven't really thought about it."

"Want to do something, then?"

"If 'something' has anything to do with that organization, count me out." Shizuo turned his back to him, heading off to his room.

Izaya allowed his feet to hit the ground before following him, cautiously poking his head around the corner of the door frame. "Well, it's not every day you get to just relax, so maybe I'll take a day off as well."

Shizuo raised his brows. "Shouldn't you be investigating terrorists?"

"As enticing as that sounds, I'm in the mood for a vacation." Izaya grinned, and Shizuo quickly shooed him away with the wave of his hand.

"Giving up an opportunity to stalk people...you really have changed."

"There's a fine line between stalking and observation," Izaya argued, smile still intact.

He could practically hear Shizuo roll his eyes.

Shizuo soon reappeared, stunning Izaya simply with the fact that, for once, he wasn't wearing his signature bartender attire. Izaya never thought he'd see the day Heiwajima Shizuo went out in public looking like an average human being, yet there he was, dressed up (or rather, dressed down) in a plain blue t-shirt, jeans, dark brown jacket, and boots. He wasn't nearly as close to the fashion disaster Izaya had expected.

"Shizu-chan, was there poison in that milk?"

"As if you can talk."

Izaya pursed his lips, momentarily silent as he resembled a pouting child. "So, where are you off to?"

Shizuo shrugged. "Dunno. I just need to get out of the house."

"Mind if I come with?"

"You?" Shizuo had to hold back a laugh. "You practically have a target on your head."

Izaya side-eyed him, silent.

"...Touche."

. . .

**[Sharo:**  All this talk about unrequited love is getting depressing

**Sharo:**  Are  _any_  of you happy in your relationships?

**Kyo:**  As if you're one to talk, Sharo-san~

**San:**  (￣ω￣)

**Sharo:**  Why you...

**Saki:**  I'd say me and Bakyura are doing well.

**Bakyura** : ღゝ◡╹)ノ

**Setton:**  I'm engaged.

**San:**  Gasp!

**Kyo:**  How lovely!

**Tanaka Taro:**  Saika-san and I are pretty happy.

**Kyo:**  San?

**San:**  San?

**Kyo:**  Using -san suggests otherwise, Taro-kun! Where's the familiarity?

**Saika:**  We haven't been together for too long...

**Kyo:**  Still! The importance in how you refer to your beloved is unrivaled.

**Kyo:**  Take Saki-san and Bakyura-kun for example!

**Kyo:**  Names are an intimate thing.

**\- Sharo has left the chat. -**

**San:**  Weakling.]

. . .

"Is it really snowing?"

The two of them hadn't made it far from the apartment when white began to decorate the city streets. Despite the clear threat against his life, there was no convincing Izaya to stay behind. The both of them in public in together was bound to cause problems, yet there they were, out and about like two normal human beings.

With no reply to his prior question, Shizuo added, "It's only November."

"Mother nature's compensating for the lack of chaos in the city," Izaya replied with a smile. "Maybe we'll get a blizzard."

Shizuo snorted. "Hell would have to freeze over first."

Izaya's eyes followed the snowflakes as they descended from the sky, and Shizuo found himself looking at him while he was distracted.

_Maybe it already has._

Not to garner suspicion, Shizuo turned away and continued walking, leaving Izaya to jog up after him, pulling the hood of his jacket up as he did so. "So, you never told me where we're going."

"I don't know."

Izaya looked up at him, dumbfounded. "You don't know?"

"It's stupid, but what you said about hobbies was kinda bugging me," Shizuo replied, quieter. "I realized that there's so much I haven't done or seen, so I just want to go wherever and not make a scene, I guess."

"So we're touring the city today?"

Shizuo laughed. "Basically?"

"Where are we headed first?" Izaya asked with a smile.

Shizuo shrugged at first, though managed to return the gesture as an idea came to him. "Well, I kinda ruined the class trip to the planetarium back in elementary school..."

"Is that why they were renovating it for so long?" Izaya teased.

Shizuo nudged him with his shoulder. "Shut up."

"I've never actually been," Izaya said. "This'll be an adventure for both of us."

"Make sure you're looking at the planets and not the people there."

"Yeah, yeah."

. . .

"What's our plan of attack this time, Kuru-nee?"

Mairu beamed as Shizuo came into view on the other side of the street, clasping her hands together before touching her fingertips together, as if she were a scheming villain. She may as well have been with her motivations. Beside her, Kururi stood expressionless in thought, and in between them was Akane, copying Mairu's gestures.

"What do you think, Akane-chan?"

"Sneak attack," Akane said simply with a devilish smile.

Mairu grinned. "I like your style, kid, but what I mean is how are we going to blackmail him?"

Akane stopped imitating her, looking at her in question. "Blackmail?"

Kururi nodded. "Yuuhei..."

"There are so many things we could ask for: autographs, private fan meetings, unreleased footage...but how do we manipulate Shizuo-san?"

Akane almost seemed disappointed in this development until something - rather, someone - caught her attention. "Wait, who is that?" She asked, pointing at the unrecognizable figure walking opposite to Shizuo on the side they could barely see. Their hood concealed basically any way of recognizing them, and their clothes weren't a familiar staple of anyone they knew.

Shizuo started laughing, and the girls exchanged glances.

"A date?" The twins wondered in unison, Mairu's malicious tone and Kururi's monotone voice harmonizing as they both came to the perfect conclusion.

"That's how," Mairu followed up, retrieving her phone and snapping a quick picture. "Let's go."

"Iza-nii."

Kururi's words sent a shiver down Mairu and Akane's spines as they began to mirror the pair as they continued down the street, attempting to get a better glimpse.

Sure enough, the mystery person was none other than Izaya. Him taking his hood off was only further proof.

"Dammit! There goes my other blackmail technique!" Mairu exclaimed, and the surrounding passersby stopped, staring at her with judgmental eyes. Quieter, she added, "I was gonna have Shizuo kill Iza-nii, then we'd have an even better chance at getting something good."

"Friends?" Kururi mused, intently watching the two. She had her phone out as well, zooming in on their faces as they seemed rather entertained with each other.

On Izaya's face was a smile the twins hadn't seen in years.

_"Only when he talks with that man in white does our brother smile with an honest expression."_

Mairu managed a sly smile. "Not quite."

"W-what do you mean by that?" Akane stammered.

Mairu ignored her question, simply ruffling her hair before beginning to walk off. "Well, I don't want to deal with Iza-nii, so let's save this for another time."

Akane couldn't help but stare in wonder, though not for long.

"Akane-chan!"

"Coming!"

. . .

Much to Shizuo's surprise, the two didn't face many problems. For once, everyone in the city was minding their own business. Then again, not many had gotten a chance to see Izaya's face, mixed with the darkness of the planetarium and his hood obscuring his face during a later shopping trip.

He hadn't expected an outing with Izaya to be so calming.

It was strange, to feel normal for once, even if normal and Izaya were two things that should have never correlated with one another.

Eventually Izaya had started complaining about Shizuo was too indecisive for his liking, and they embarked on the journey home once again. Miraculously, it was still snowing. Perhaps Izaya had been right, and Mother Nature was compensating for the lack of crazy shenanigans in the city.

Well, excluding whatever this was between the two of them.

He wouldn't dare admit it, but Izaya had enjoyed the day, and it was clear by the way Shizuo beamed that it had been the same for him.

Well, mostly.

_"This is almost like a date."_

_"Don't be gross, Izaya."_

As he walked beside Shizuo, alone together even in the nighttime crowd, he might have smiled.

Perhaps now wasn't the best time to mention that he had found an apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing I've always loved about drrr is the chat segments, and it turns out they're a lot of fun to write! Especially the twins, but they're fun to write regardless.
> 
> Well, we had a little bit of angst, but a lot of cute banter to make up for it. You can definitely expect more of both in the next two chapters. You can also expect to see a bit more of the planetarium scene since I kinda glossed over it, whoops.
> 
> Next chapter is the Christmas special, coming a couple months late! Complete with typical drrr character shenanigans, practically half of the cast crammed in a tiny room, and a rather interesting revelation.
> 
> Also, thank you all so much for over 1000 views and 100 kudos! I'm really grateful that so many people are enjoying this. ♥
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, and I'll see you Friday!


	11. beneath the mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you wanted to know what happened to me earlier."

**[From: Shizuo ♡**

\- Did something happen?

**To: Shizuo ♡**

\- Everything's fine.

\- Sorry, there just wasn't a right time to mention it. ｡(*^▽^*)ゞ

**From: Shizuo ♡**

\- it's fine

\- You're sure everything's fine

**To: Shizuo ♡**

\- Attached: IMG_2716

\- Positive!]

. . .

As Izaya twirled around in his brand new swivel chair, gazing at the sunset through the window, he couldn't help but feel somewhat guilty.

If there was one thing he had learned since his return, it was that you couldn't turn back time.

How he wished he could.

. . .

**[To: Izaya**

\- How is it?

**From: Izaya**

\- Nothing could ever compare to my old apartment, but it is really nice!

\- A lot nicer than yours (￣ω￣)

**To: Izaya**

\- do you think anyone will find you

**From: Izaya**

\- Denied?! (*ﾟﾛﾟ)

**To: Izaya**

\- (҂⌣̀_⌣́)

**From: Izaya**

\- You're awfully worried~

\- Have some faith in me!]

. . .

It was strange.

Shizuo had spent a good part of his life living alone. He had grown horribly used to the silence of his apartment, and the loneliness that often accompanied it. It was second nature to him, and Izaya had completely disrupted it.

_"Don't worry, I won't be staying with you long."_

The emptiness he had felt after dreaming of the past came back to haunt him.

"I need a smoke."

. . .

It didn't take long for Izaya's apartment to start feeling like home, if 'not too long' could be a few weeks. Between rushing out on shopping trips, meticulously decorating to almost mirror his former apartment, investigating the city's scandals, and texting Shizuo, he rarely had a free moment at first. This apartment was just as spacious as the last, though it lacked many key qualities that he could almost say he missed, the second floor and expanse of bookshelves being one of them. He had to wonder just what had happened to all of those books and files.

He really was starting over in just about every way possible.

Another missing staple was the game board, instead replaced by a rather large white board covered in pictures, magnets, and tons of color-coded marker writing. It was nothing short of chaotic, though it was fitting. All of those markings and pictures directly related to his investigation, an investigation that at first only involved one organization and now practically encompassed the city as a whole. On one side of the board, there was the ongoing battle between the Awakusu-kai and Asuki Group, the beginning of which he had missed in his absence. Fortunately, Shiki and Akabayashi had been kind enough to fill him in on what he had missed. It was nothing more than a ridiculous yakuza feud on the surface, until you accounted for the city's gangs.

In a post-Dollars society, only one of the former three powerhouses remained: Blue Square, still faithfully led by Kuronuma Aoba and getting in even worse trouble than they had while being led by Mikado. In place of the Dollars and Yellow Scarves, two new groups had been formed: Razor and Salvation. Both were about as childish, yet just as dangerous as Blue Square. They hated each other's guts, yet hated Blue Square more than each other. All of these groups had a common enemy: Alpha, the up and coming terrorist organization. These feuds extended even beyond Japan; Alpha was very clearly targeting Nebula, along with Yagiri Namie and Yagiri Seitarou.

It was the kind of amusement Izaya needed.

"What's next, someone recreates the Dollars?" Izaya laughed to himself, reveling in just how chaotic everything was right under everyone's noses.

That was what truly made it feel like home.

Well, almost.

**[From: Shizuo ♡**

\- Holy shit

\- Why are they doing all this?

**To: Shizuo ♡**

\- That's the fun part, trying to figure everything out~

**From: Shizuo ♡**

\- You're not gonna mess around with them are you

**To: Shizuo ♡**

\- Who knows?

**From: Shizuo ♡**

\- you're gonna get yourself killed

**To: Shizuo ♡**

\- If you couldn't kill me, I don't think I have anything to worry about.]

Shizuo's lack of a response was concerning.

In order to take his mind of it, Izaya spun in his chair from where the white board across the room to his desk, searching through the endless sea of tabs he had open in search for a new development to add to the board. Fortunately, Shizuo didn't take too horribly long to answer.

**[From: Shizuo ♡**

\- What happened to you after the fight]

He couldn't answer. His fingers stopped moving. Everything just stopped, and came rushing back all at once.

The unbearable pain once the adrenaline wore off. The talk with Kine and Manami. The realization that Celty had saved his life. The wheelchair. Therapy. Bunokura. The anger he had felt; towards Shizuo, and later himself. The realization of his own mortality. A talk with Shinra on their first day at Raijin.

The week he had spent with Shizuo.

Telling Shizuo what had happened would destroy him.

**[To: Shizuo ♡**

\- I think I'll need to see you in person to talk about that.]

Izaya placed his phone far off to the side, keeping his eyes on his computer screen, though he couldn't pry them away for too long. His phone buzzed not long after, and he was pleasantly surprised upon noticing the message wasn't from Shizuo.

**[From: Shinra**

\- Are you busy? I want to talk.]

Izaya turned around in his chair, giving one glance to the board before spinning back around and grabbing his phone.

**[To: Shinra**

\- Not at all. When should I come over?]

. . .

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

Shinra looked up at him with a solemn smile. "Well, we didn't really have a chance to catch up last time we saw each other."

Izaya shot him a sly grin. "Something tells me this is more than just catching up."

"Well..." Shinra trailed off with a nervous chuckle. "I guess...I wanted to apologize."

"For what?"

"For being an ass after you got stabbed," Shinra clarified, staring down at his intertwined hands. "And for distancing myself, I suppose."

Izaya couldn't help but laugh. "You know, I've had so many strange things happen since I got back, but I think this takes the cake."

Shinra didn't respond.

"We had an agreement," Izaya said softly.

"I know, but I've done a lot of thinking since then," Shinra replied, facing him once more. "You didn't want to get hurt, but you didn't want to be lonely. I knew that, yet I pushed you aside. You're still one of my few friends in this world, and I've really done nothing but hurt you."

"You missed me."

Shinra pushed his glasses up, chuckling once more. "Yeah, I guess I did."

"Don't apologize for anything. If I've realized anything lately, it's that apologies are really uncomfortable to make and to listen to."

Shinra smiled. "Alright, I won't apologize. Instead..." He reached inside of his pocket, pulling out a slip of paper and sliding across the table. "Orihara Izaya-kun, I cordially invite you to the Kishitani-Sturluson Christmas party taking place next week, complete with hot pot."

Izaya accepted the paper, smiling as he did so. "Hot pot, huh?"

"Is that enough to get you to come?"

Izaya rested his chin in his hand in thought. "I'll think about it."

"I assume inviting Shizuo-kun won't be an issue."

"Not at all."

. . .

"It's so weird to think about," Shizuo had said unprompted, leaving Izaya to blankly stare at him within the dim light of the planetarium.

"What is?"

"Just how damn big the universe is." Shizuo met his gaze with an astounded smile. "'Bukuro's basically its own universe so it's weird to think about, I guess."

Izaya snickered, and he could see Shizuo bracing himself for whatever insult followed, though his words seemed to hold less weight than they would have before. "What, is too much for your infant brain to handle?"

"Very funny," Shizuo dismissed him as he looked back up at the ceiling display. "Hey, if aliens really exist, do you think you could love them as much as humans?"

"What a stupid question," Izaya chuckled. "Nothing could compare to my love for humans."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

Shizuo's focus remained fixated on the extensive galaxy presented right before their eyes, and Izaya involuntarily smiled at his pure fascination.

Somewhere inside his brain, he had developed a desire to hold Shizuo's hand.

With a smirk, he wondered aloud, "This is almost like a date."

"Don't be gross, Izaya."

Shizuo was still smiling.

. . .

Ikebukuro seemed even more crowded on the night of Christmas Eve. Couples were everywhere in sight and Shizuo could't help but laugh. Considering everything Izaya had told him about the practical war occurring in the city, Ikebukuro had to be the least romantic place to visit. Still, the streets were adorned with multi-colored lights, wreaths, and ribbons, spreading Christmas spirit throughout the city. It was a shame that it rarely ever snowed in Ikebukuro; it truly would have made for a beautiful night.

Arriving at Shinra's had taken significantly longer than normal thanks to all of the traffic, and Shizuo was stunned by the sheer amount of people that were occupying the apartment. The majority of them were familiar faces - Kadota and the gang, Shingen, Emilia, the twins, and much to his surprise, Akane - though there was a large group he couldn't find himself recognizing at first. After some time he recognized a few more; Ryuugasaki (was that his name?), the Saika girl, the Kida kid, his girlfriend, the Raira kid that had stabbed a pen right through his hand, and his rather clingy girlfriend. The only two unknowns were the woman arguing with the clingy girlfriend and the incredibly tall man that was chatting with Shingen.

How this many people could fit in such a small place, he had no idea.

"Shizuo-kun! There you are," Shinra enthusiastically greeted him. "Glad you could make it."

"Hell of a party," Shizuo commented, earning a chuckle from Shinra.

"Now where is that Orihara-kun..."

As if on cue, Izaya appeared in the doorway. "Sorry I'm late."

At the sound of his voice, the majority of the chatter in the room immediately silenced. It was almost haunting, to have so much noise disappear so quickly.

After a moment of silence, the unidentifiable woman spoke. "Look at what the cat dragged in."

"Nice to see you too, Namie-san."

The chatter slowly began to pick back up in the form of whispers, and Shizuo watched as Shinra sighed. "Come on everyone, it's Christmas. I know it might be hard, but let's all get along."

Izaya made his way towards everyone else, earning glares from Mairu, Erika, Anri, and Masaomi, an understanding nod from Kadota, and smiles from Mikado and Saki.

This was going to be an interesting night.

Izaya's arrival was only the calm before the storm. Apparently Shinra wasn't the best at catching everyone up, leaving Izaya to, not to anyone's surprise, become somewhat of a wallflower as the party resumed.

Shizuo could confidently say that he pitied him, and he took action accordingly.

"Yo."

"Ah, Shizu-chan."

Kadota choked on his drink, and Shinra moved beside him, patting his shoulder. Despite her prior anger, Erika beamed at this development. Before she could say anything, Walker placed his hand over her mouth, trying his best to hold her back. Anyone could still hear her muffled screams, and Saburo couldn't help but cringe beside her.

Celty took center stage in the room, typing on her PDA before showing it to everyone. [How about we start cooking?]

Everyone seemed to collectively agree, and a few stomachs growled here and there.

[Mika-chan, will you do the honors?]

"I'd be glad to," Mika replied with a grin, removing herself from Seiji for the first time that night and rushing to the kitchen, allowing Namie to attempt to get closer to him, only to fail miserably as Seiji rose from his seat and followed after his girlfriend.

Shizuo gazed over at Izaya once more. "I'm surprised you came."

"What can I say," Izaya said with a shrug. "Shinra had me at hot pot."

"Still, with all these people..."

Izaya replied with a sly smile, "Aw, are you worried about me?"

"No. Shut up."

"Don't be such a tsundere, Shizu-chan!" Erika exclaimed from across the room, and the remaining members of Kadota's gang collectively groaned.

Walker glared at her as he covered her mouth once more. "I thought I could trust you."

"You thought wrong," Erika replied with a malicious grin.

Shizuo turned to Izaya for an explanation. "A what now?"

"Don't mind her."

Shizuo shrugged before making his way over the empty couch where Mika and Seiji had been sitting, now attached at the hip in the kitchen. Izaya took a seat beside him, glancing over at Namie, who was still lurking nearby, though her eyes were like a hunter's, fixated on her brother.

"I thought you were in America, Namie-san," Izaya began casually, causing Namie to jump.

After taking a moment to regain her composure, Namie replied, "Seiji and that girl wanted to come back for the holidays, so I followed them back."

Izaya chuckled. "You're still obsessed after all this time."

"I think you're the last person who needs to lecture me." Without turning back, Namie made her way to the kitchen.

After she left, Shizuo asked, "What's the deal with her?"

"She's my former secretary."

Shizuo laughed. "Someone was willing to work for you?"

"Contrary to popular belief, I don't antagonize every single person I meet," Izaya grumbled. "Take Mikado-kun and Saki-chan for example. Dotachin doesn't mind me either."

"I thought I told you to stop calling me that," Kadota said, practically on reflex, not even looking in Izaya's general direction.

"And of course there's Shinra. Now I suppose I have you, too."

Shizuo managed a smile. "Alright, maybe you're not that bad."

Across the room, Mairu snickered and Akane scowled, and Shizuo cast Akane in particular a questioning glance to which he gained no response.

_Can this night get any weirder?_

. . .

That was a stupid question.

In a house filled with perhaps the most eccentric people in the entire city, of course things were bound to get weirder.

Especially with drinks involved.

Across the room, Shinra was arguing with his clearly drunk father, so that was bound to get nowhere. In the corner, Saburo sobbed while clutching his phone against his chest. All it took was for Kadota to explain that Ruri's new album had just released in order for the twins to lose their minds, Mairu in particular berating Saburo for what she so elegantly called "shit taste."

[I guess it's a good thing we decided against inviting Kasuka-san and Ruri-san.] Celty told Shizuo.

"Good choice," he responded, a sudden wave of anxiety rushing over him as he imagined the horrors that would have come out of that.

Walker had somehow decided to give Erika free reign, now joining Shinra and Shingen in their passionate argument that practically pushed Shinra out. Amazingly enough, Erika didn't make any more comments towards Shizuo and Izaya, instead wrapping her arms around Anri's neck and just about giving her and Mikado a heart attack. Beside them, Saki and Masaomi laughed as their hands met.

Shizuo couldn't help but notice Izaya staring at the two.

"You okay?" He asked at some point.

"I'm great," Izaya responded with a grin.

Shizuo almost regretted not counting how many drinks Izaya had had in hand over the past few hours. Miraculously, no one had started anything with him, but the unknown associated with a drunk Izaya was something to be feared. Granted, that was to be feared knowing the majority of people in the room.

Midnight struck, and throughout the apartment there was a resounding chorus of "Merry Christmas!" from just about everyone present.

Shizuo, nowhere near the state of the majority of the other adults, joined in with significantly less enthusiasm, his attention instead on Izaya.

"Hey, Shizu-chan."

"Yeah?"

Izaya seemed fine.

Seemed being the key word.

"Take me home with you."

"Huh?"

"It's too late for me to go back home," Izaya protested, looking up at him with pleading eyes. "Take me with you."

He must've really lost his mind if he could say yes.

"Good. We need to talk."

Shizuo raised his brows. "We can't just talk here?"

"Too many people."

All Shizuo wanted now was to sleep, but despite his drunken state, Izaya seemed completely serious. He'd have to give him the benefit of the doubt considering how open he was being. Earlier that night, he had been somewhat distant, and now he was practically leaning right against Shizuo, right out in the open, with no cares in the world.

Then again, he supposed that wasn't all too different from how Izaya had been normally over the last couple of months.

"Alright, you all should probably get home," Shinra announced as he entered the living room. There was some protest, though eventually everyone filed out, leaving just the Kishitanis, Celty, Shizuo, and Izaya.

Shinra slumped down in the empty seat beside Shizuo, letting out a sigh. "That was a mistake."

"It was nice," Shizuo commented.

"It was nice until my dad brought drinks out of nowhere," Shinra groaned. "At least the kids were responsible. We haven't lost all hope."

"Do you know those kids, Shinra?" Izaya asked with a laugh.

"You're still competent I see."

Concerned, Shizuo asked, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Orihara-kun is fine for a while when he drinks, but he tends to get really emotional at some point. A little stupid, too, though that's to be expected."

"You're so mean, Shinra," Izaya pouted, dragging out the vowels of his name as he spoke.

"Well, good luck Shizuo-kun." Shinra's smile was innocent, but the weight that his words held told otherwise.

_Great._

. . .

Giving Izaya a piggyback ride was definitely something Shizuo didn't expect to come out of that night, yet there they were, making their way through the crowds of people back to Shizuo's apartment. When they made it to the more deserted streets, Izaya finally started talking after near complete silence.

"Shizu-channnnnn."

"What?"

"Shizu-channnnnnnnnn."

With a frown, Shizuo repeated himself. "What?"

"You wanted to know what happened to me earlier."

Shizuo remained silent, impatiently waiting for him to continue.

"I wasn't gonna tell you because you get upset so easily..."

"Out with it."

Izaya chuckled. "I was in a wheelchair until earlier this year. Basically every part of me broke. I couldn't even move my arms for a while."

He was right. Shizuo would get upset easily.

His heart ached, yet he listened. He had to.

"It was absolute hell, you know?" Izaya continued, rambling on and on despite slurring here and there. "I hated you. I was scared of you. I was never scared of you before. But I realized it was my fault, so I got mad at myself instead, because I was wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"You aren't a monster. You never were."

Shizuo was silent. Right as Izaya had said that, he had reached his apartment, and stopped completely, staring blankly at his door as what felt like every possible emotion surged through him.

"Izaya-"

"It's okay. I think we both learned our lesson, huh?"

Shizuo involuntarily laughed, almost choking as he did so. "Yeah, I guess we did."

Shizuo began moving once more and unlocked his door, stepping inside and approaching the couch so Izaya could safely collapse somewhere other than the floor. They were silent for some time, sitting side by side in the darkness, the only light coming from the moonlight poking through the window.

"Shizuo."

He couldn't even bring himself to respond.

"There's something else I need to tell you."

Just like that, Izaya was kissing him.

Izaya was kissing him.

_Izaya was kissing him._

And he was kissing him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's happening, everybody stay calm!
> 
> The kiss might seem pretty rushed, though that's where the next chapter comes in. It's an interlude, though it's almost twice as long as a normal chapter, so you have a bit to look forward to there. Don't worry, you won't be hanging off of a cliff for too long! Also...I've noticed that a lot of people tend to skip over the interludes, and I'll tell you right now that is not going to be one you'll want to miss.
> 
> On a side note, as of today it's officially been two years since Ketsu ended... That's so weird to think about. It feels like it's been longer, yet at the same time it feels like it wasn't that long ago. i miss my drrr saturdays so much it's not even funny
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading! I'll see you soon!


	12. interlude - tell me how

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "so long."
> 
> "right, goodbye it is."

"There's someone I want you to meet."

With his interest now piqued, Izaya lifted his head to greet Shinra with a thoughtful smile that transformed into a scheming grin in the blink of an eye. Shinra's eager grin faded into a frown almost completely in sync with his friend, nervously awaiting for what would have to be a witty response.

Somehow, he managed to beat Izaya to it.

"You have friends? I never would have guessed," he exclaimed, his voice taking on a more silky tone as he tried his best to mimic Izaya.

In that moment, Izaya might have actually smiled.

Shinra got down on his knees, planting his elbows on Izaya's desk and resting his chin in his hands. "Of course I have friends."

"How many?"

"Two."

Izaya didn't even attempt to hold back his laugh. "You sound way too proud of that."

Shinra's glasses practically glinted as he replied, "As if you can talk."

Izaya frowned, leaning back in his chair and resting his arms behind his head. "So, who's this someone?"

"I've told you about him before," Shinra began. "Remember Shizuo-kun from my elementary school?"

"Ah, the superhuman."

"I never thought we'd end up together again, but turns out he's a student here too. I just thought it would be nice-" Shinra momentarily paused, leaning over to poke Izaya's face with his finger, causing him to open his eyes. "-if my two friends could get to know each other."

Izaya hummed in thought, purposely dragging out his response and leaving Shinra to sigh.

"He's a  _superhuman_. Isn't that the cherry on top of human observation?"

Izaya scooted forward, facing Shinra with a semblance of a smile. "Alright, where is this Shizuo-kun?"

"I have no idea."

Izaya was torn between laughing and sighing, and his response was a rather strange mix of both. "You're hopeless."

Shinra rose to his feet, extending his hand to Izaya. "Let's go find him, then."

. . .

After many a failed attempt at finding Shizuo, Raijin's lunch hour was over and classes resumed for the day. Izaya was never exactly a model student, hardly paying attention in class thanks to his constant scheming, though his mind wandered even farther than normal.

He couldn't stop thinking about this mysterious Shizuo. It was like with Shinra all over again; he knew almost nothing about him, yet he wanted to know. No, he  _needed_  to know.

And so, Izaya did what he did best: investigate, and observe. Of course, this provided him with roughly nothing. Everything he learned could practically be summed up as, "Don't mess with him unless you have a death wish." Not a single person spoke highly of him. Izaya could almost sympathize, and he supposed that was why Shinra was friends with the two of them specifically, and why he was so adamant about them meeting. No one could speak highly of them, nor could they speak highly of each other. That's just the kind of people they were.

So naturally it came as a shock for Izaya to happen to hear the name "Shizu-chan" in passing.

It didn't take him long to discover that the girls he had overheard most definitely weren't talking about Shizuo, yet the name was caught on his tongue.

_Shizu-chan._

A cute nickname for an enigma who seemed to embody everything opposite of cute.

It was too good to resist.

"Orihara-kun!"

Shinra rushed down the hallway to meet him, taking Izaya's hand in his before he had a chance to react. "Shizuo-kun's out on the field."

"I'm not about to witness a murder, am I?" Izaya inquired, genuinely curious.

Shinra chuckled. "Shizuo-kun's a lot of things, but he's not a murderer."

_The epitome of violence himself isn't a murderer._

_Interesting._

_Just who are you, Heiwajima Shizuo?_

. . .

"You piss me off."

_So that's who you are,_

_Shizu-chan._

. . .

With a heavy sigh, Shinra smushed his face against his kitchen table and closed his eyes. "I should've known this would happen."

"Don't beat yourself up," Izaya replied as he stared himself down with a mirror, checking out all of his new battle scars. "Some things just aren't meant to be."

"Such a sad world we live in."

Izaya sat the mirror down, glancing over at Shinra with a smile.

_At least we have each other._

. . .

"Tell me more about Shizu-chan."

At first, Shinra practically glowed with excitement, only for his small glimmer of hope to immediately extinguish itself. "Why, so you can use it against him?"

Izaya snickered. "I still know next to nothing about him. Satisfy my curiosity, will you?"

Shinra rose from his seat, pushing his desk up against Izaya's before taking his seat once again and resting his chin on his hands in thought. "What do you want to know?"

"Everything," Izaya said with a shrug.

"It all started when we were seven," Shinra began, trying his best to imitate a narrator of some sort, which earned a faint chuckle from Izaya that was more judgmental than anything. "Shizuo-kun was a pretty normal kid. At least, I think he was. We weren't really friends before the incident."

"Incident?"

"No no, it's not what you're thinking," Shinra continued with a dismissive wave. "Shizuo-kun got really upset with his brother and out of nowhere he just picked up their fridge and tried to throw it at him. It was over something so trivial, too: he was just mad that Kasuka ate his pudding, and somehow that anger messed with his brain enough to give him the strength to pick up a fridge."

Izaya burst out laughing, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. "Alright, Dr. Shinra, what do you have to say about this?"

Shinra beamed as he responded. "The human brain has the ability to restrict our physical abilities in order to prevent serious injury. This ability can be overcome in severe situations through adrenaline. Shizuo-kun doesn't have this restriction, so he can unlock the full potential of his strength as he pleases, which is pretty often, as I'm sure you can tell. There was barely ever a time where he didn't have a cast or wasn't in the hospital even back in elementary school. Now that he's almost an adult his injuries are becoming less and less severe. He might be completely invincible by the time we're third years!"

"How is that even possible?" Izaya wondered aloud, pursing his lips in thought and trading his astounded smile for something more skeptical.

"I'd love to do my own research to find out, but he's refused dissection for years," Shinra responded, crestfallen.

"He's smart," Izaya teased. "So, what else is there to know about him?"

Shinra let out a pained chuckle. "Well..."

. . .

Listening to Shinra prattle on was always interesting, to say the least, but listening to him talk about Shizuo with such fondness became something of a past time for Izaya.

"It's nice to hear you talk about something other than headless women for a change."

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that, Orihara-kun."

Izaya simply grinned.

. . .

"Aren't you getting tired of running away from him all the time?" Shinra asked him one day. Izaya could almost mistake it for concern, but Shinra wasn't that kind of friend.

He wasn't sure if he'd ever be.

"It's fun messing with him."

And how that scared him.

. . .

It didn't take long for the dark period in Raijin's history to begin.

Messing with Shizuo had gone far beyond simply antagonizing him for the fun of it. Over the course of a few months, several incidents began to tarnish the name of the school, and the names Heiwajima Shizuo and Orihara Izaya forever, especially for the poor school staff. The Pool of Hell Opens - Chlorine Gas Everywhere, Real Flesh in the Art Room, Cultural Festival Campfire Explosion, Field Trip to the Shambles - the Okinawa Arc; the list went on.

That was only in their first year.

It wasn't uncommon to see Shizuo and Izaya covered head to toe in bandages; or other students, for that matter. It was a miracle that neither of them had gotten expelled with their antics, especially considering Izaya's rather poor attendance, especially after fights.

Shinra would hear the whispers in the hall, with a small few wondering if Izaya being missing was a sign of defeat. Every time, without fail, he chuckled to himself. Incidents extreme enough to earn their own unique titles, including Hell, chlorine gas, flesh, and explosion didn't just happen overnight. If anyone knew that, it was Izaya. The amount of planning he put into these schemes was almost admirable.

Almost.

Sooner or later, the fights began to encompass not only the school, but the town itself. It soon became commonplace to spot Simon rushing to break up fights between the two right in the middle of Sunshine Street, slinging them both over his shoulders with ease and carrying them into Russia Sushi, sitting them down beside each other. Whenever Simon got involved, this happened every time, without fail, and every time, without fail, it never worked.

The questionable nature of the sushi wasn't the only thing that drove customers away back then.

The day after Simon caught them both for the first time, barrels full of gasoline rolled down from the third floor of Raijin.

Shinra didn't even bat an eye as Shizuo's screaming and Izaya's laughter echoed throughout the building.

. . .

"Why do you hate Shizuo-kun?"

Izaya's answer was immediate. "Because he's a monster."

Shinra didn't pry any further, though he knew that it ran deeper than that. Izaya knew that he knew this, but he wasn't the kind of person to bring it up. At the time, the depth of this lie had only just begun.

_Because he interests me more than other humans._

This contradicted his way of life. He was supposed to love all humans equally. He wouldn't go as far to say that what he felt for Shizuo was love, but this intrigue he felt was something different. In a way, it reminded him of when he had first met Shinra.

He had to view all humans equally. Because of this, Shizuo had to become something that wasn't human. Izaya had to hate him. He hated him for disrupting his life. He hated him for taking up so much of his life. He hated him for making his life even more abnormal.

He hated him because he was afraid of what this imbalance would turn into.

Heiwajima Shizuo would become a monster in his eyes, and Izaya would be blissfully unaware that that was how the boy already viewed himself.

. . .

"Stop being a coward and show yourself, Izaya-kun."

Izaya's eyes glinted in amusement as he watched Shizuo wander below him, desperately searching for him, not once thinking to look up until Izaya spoke. "Coward is a bit much," he proclaimed, voice echoing throughout the abandoned warehouse. "I'll never be afraid of you."

"Then get down from there and fight me," Shizuo protested with a scowl as he scanned the area for a way to reach him.

"You'll have to catch me first!"

_"Izaya!"_

. . .

Perhaps he enjoyed messing with Shizuo for the thrill of it.

For once, someone was paying attention to him, even if that attention equated to a bloodthirsty rage. Suddenly he had something he could enjoy, something that filled the void inside of him.

"You're a magnet for danger, you know," Shinra chastised him as he patched him up for the third time that week. "I think Shizuo-kun might actually kill you soon if you're not careful."

At the time, it didn't matter. His life was insignificant in his eyes.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to kill him before that happens."

. . .

Even Izaya needed a break from his schemes sometimes. On these few days, he was reminded of just how tedious and tiresome a normal life was. The world inside his apartment was almost a completely different universe from the one outside.

In this small apartment, he was the studious honors student and the dutiful older brother, the lonely outcast and the son that was left behind. In this world, Shinra and Shizuo didn't exist. Here, Izaya was alone.

"Iza-nii!"

Granted, he was never truly alone, but he may as well have been with the disconnect he felt between his apartment and the outside world. Here, he was trapped inside himself with nothing to pull him out.

He hated the twins at first. It was nothing more than blatant resentment towards his parents, for leaving him responsible and for being out of the picture not only for him, but for the twins. He hated them, and he hated how he worried for the twins' sakes.

Somewhere inside him, Izaya might have wanted a normal life. He was a walking contradiction. He wanted to feel the thrill of messing with Shizuo, yet he hated how he always messed with his plans. He wanted to cause trouble and observe every aspect of human nature, yet he felt he had no humanity to cling onto himself. He wanted to chase the extraordinary, yet he wanted a normal life. He wanted normal parents, a normal upbringing, a normal high school career.

At times he was nothing more than an empty shell. He was separate from the rest of the world, and he accepted this.

In the end, he preferred the extraordinary. He would continue antagonizing Shizuo, stand by Shinra, and begin to cause trouble and help as much as he could. That was the only life he could live.

. . .

It had started as a joke at first.

"You actually survived," Shinra told him with a chuckle on the last day of their first year.

Smirking, Izaya replied, "I suppose I did."

A year later, Izaya might have mistaken it for concern.

Shinra faced him with a forlorn smile. "You might actually make it through next year."

He knew Shinra would never admit that he was worried. That was simply how the two of them worked. After all, Shinra couldn't show any concern for Izaya when he himself was trapped in this same extraordinary world. Once you made it there, you could never truly leave.

Izaya found himself remembering that day, where without thinking, Shinra had risked his life for him.

To Izaya, someone who had always stood on the sidelines, separate from the rest of the world, Shinra's actions made no sense. He couldn't comprehend why this boy who hardly knew him would risk his life for him without hesitation.

It had terrified him.

Shinra, the one person he had grown to call his friend, had gotten hurt, and it was all his fault.

In that moment, he had panicked. He was normally so calm and collected, but he couldn't bring himself to think straight.

It was that moment that had changed his life forever. All his life, he had been separate from others, loving them from afar. Now that he was openly caring for someone, he realized the dangers that came with opening his heart.

He had sworn to never open up to anyone ever again, for his heart as brittle as glass would surely shatter should someone dare to show him affection. He had sworn this, yet he chose to remain by Shinra.

Near the end of his second year of high school, he realized just how big of a mistake that was.

. . .

"Hey, Shinra."

Curious as to why their long silence had been broken, Shinra looked up at him. "What is it?"

With a smirk, Izaya asked, "Have you ever kissed anyone?"

Shinra smiled to himself. "I think you already know the answer to that."

Amused, Izaya tapped his pencil against the table in thought. "Well, it's not like you can kiss someone without a head in the first place."

Shinra crossed his arms, and though his smile remained, it was rather weak. "I'm completely okay with that."

He was crumbling.

They both were.

"Oh?" Shinra raised his brows at the glint in Izaya's eyes as he spoke. "Are you sure about that?"

"Absolutely sure," he argued, casting his gaze down to the papers laid out in front of him.

It was supposed to just be another study session. That's what it could have remained, had Izaya's emotions not clouded his judgement.

"I dare you to kiss me."

That got him to look back up. "What?"

"I want to see what would happen," Izaya explained, attempting to sound as nonchalant as possible, with his smirk still in tact. "What would it take for you, someone with no interest in humanity whatsoever, to start to feel something? Could that feeling outweigh the love you have for this zombie of yours?"

Shinra's smile returned as he chuckled to himself. "Alright, I'll play along with your little game."

It wasn't a game, his mind screamed to the void. He had to figure these feelings out.

For Orihara Izaya, love was a complicated thing. He knew of platonic and romantic feelings, and the definitional difference between them, however, he couldn't distinguish one from the other when it came to his own feelings.

For Shinra, this kiss would mean nothing, but for Izaya, it would mean everything.

_Because he interests me more than other humans._

As Shinra pressed his lips to his, he only became more confused.

He wanted to scream, but all he could say was, "How do you feel?"

"I wish I could kiss her now."

And how his heart sank.

. . .

He could kiss Shinra as many times as he wanted. He could proclaim it was "just a test" as many times as he wanted. He could continue to go on hating Shizuo, a monster, nowhere near the humans he had grown to love. He'd deny the only two connections he had in order to protect himself.

He could do all of these things, yet nothing would change.

After all, Orihara Izaya was an expert at lying to himself and others.

. . .

Graduation hurt more than anything.

It forced him out of the one place he could truly connect to others in, the place where he could see Shinra, the place where everything had started with Shizuo. He wanted nothing more than to see them, yet he found himself looking for apartments in Shinjuku, away from the two people who had a part in his life.

For the time being, he'd focus all of his attention on other humans, watching over them like a god, and latching onto them like a parasite.

. . .

_"Oh no, I'm not mad. I just want to beat the shit out of you."_

_"You know, your violence can't be stopped by words or reason, Shizu-chan. I'm no good with it. It's a real problem. Let me go."_

. . .

_"Tell me, do what do I owe this pleasure, Shizu-chan?"_

_"I'm obviously here to kick your smarmy little ass."_

_"And why do I deserve to have my ass kicked?"_

_"Because I'm pissed off."_

_"Now don't you think that you're just a little too old to play the part of the playground bully, Shizu-chan?"_

. . .

Things were simpler then.

Izaya could still bring himself to feel the thrill of it all, smirking all the while.

But somewhere along the way, the two of them had stopped smiling.

. . .

_"To think that all that didn't kill you - you really are a monster. Although the fact you protected a human can only be described as comical. I might've mentioned this before, but do you think you can get people to like you if you save them? Oh, wait, or do you have special feelings for that girl Varona, maybe?"_

_"Izaya."_

_"What is it?"_

_"So long."_

_"Right, goodbye it is."_

. . .

_I don't really care if I die, but this monster can't be allowed to survive._

_"Whether I have a reason to or not, I should still kill you."_

. . .

_"Just do it, monster."_

_"Don't do it, you idiot!"_

. . .

_"Would you mind taking me as far away from this city as you possibly can? If I'm going to die anyway, having a monster at my deathbed...I can't have that, can I?"_

. . .

He had lost.

Whether he lived or died, he had lost. He had accepted this when he closed his eyes, letting Kine and Manami's voices fade away, believing that they might be the last words he would ever hear.

When he met himself face to face in the mirror, sitting in his wheelchair, every bit of him broken to pieces, he laughed.

He laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

He was nothing more than a coward.

A coward and a fool.

How naive, to think that a man can become a god.

. . .

_Just do it, monster._

_Monster monster monster monster monster monster monster monster_

_"So long."_

_"Right, goodbye it is."_

He couldn't count the number of times he awoke in a panic, paralyzed with fear.

Shizuo was always there.

_I hate you._  He wanted to scream.  _I hate you, you fucking monster!_

Tears he didn't even think he was capable of producing fell with ease. He couldn't hold it back any longer.

He hadn't felt like this in what felt like forever. It had been the same then. He had laughed, laughed, laughed.

_There is nothing to be afraid of._

_This is the way I've lived my life all along._

He clenched his right fist and slammed it hard into the telephone pole beside him. Getting even with Shinra had been nowhere near as satisfying as he had thought.

It hurt.

It was pathetic how much it hurt, having his only friend betray him.

_"I hope the excitement splits open your chest and kills you!"_

He couldn't be mad at Shinra.

He couldn't be mad at Shizuo.

In that moment, he could only be mad with himself.

. . .

Eighteen months.

That was how long it had taken.

_"Someday, surely, I'll make it so that my brother and Shizuo will meet you again!"_

_"Well, if I'm able to do it, then I hope I can give it a go. I'll do my best not to run away."_

For eighteen months, Orihara Izaya had wanted nothing more than to die. He thought he could accept his fate. His wheelchair would be his punishment for losing, for being wrong.

He had wanted to die, until he thought of Shinra, and how many times his finger had lingered over his contact, only to brush it aside.

He thought of Ikebukuro; the stores, the people, the streets he knew like the back of his hand.

He thought of Shizuo, and for the first time, he didn't cower in fear.

_I won't run away any longer._

. . .

_"If a human who overcame such a predicament arrived right in front of me, I thought I would try to confront that person fair and square."_

. . .

The repairs to the building they had destroyed had finally finished.

Shizuo wasn't the kind of person to notice small things like that, but the memories from that night were enough to catch his attention.

For the first time in eighteen months, he found himself thinking of Izaya without a frown. As he stood there with Celty at his side, the thought came to mind for the first time.

_If I could get along with Izaya about as well as Shinra, what would have happened?_

_If I got along with that flea, maybe it could have saved this city loads of trouble._

Now he was frowning, remembering the countless acts of violence and the amount of property damage done that could have been avoided.

_Damn flea bastard…_  He thought to himself, his anger absent as he stared down at his hands; the hands that thrown the metal beams that sent Izaya flying straight through a window, that broke what sounded like almost every bone in his body, the hands that he hadn't a clue if they were covered in blood or not.

He had never cared if he killed Izaya. That had been his goal for years. It had never once occurred to him that he might be able to bring himself to care, even fear that Izaya died because of him. He wasn't sure if he could live with himself knowing that even his sworn enemy's blood was on his hands.

_"You're nothing more than a monster, Shizu-chan."_

Even with his newfound peace, Heiwajima Shizuo couldn't help but wonder,  _What if I really am a monster? What if Izaya was right?_

_Dammit._

. . .

_"I don't believe in god. There's no proof he exists. In a world where there isn't even proof of the future, the past exists. Even if it's tainted with misunderstandings and delusions, if the people themselves believe in it, the past is the truth to them. And, if you base your actions or your life around it, in a way, it's a type of god itself."_

. . .

It was understandably difficult for him to wrap his head around the idea of getting along with Izaya. At first, he had only considered it out of pity, for the city's sake, for their friends' sakes. He didn't want to get along with him. He couldn't want to get along with him.

_"You're nothing more than a monster, Shizu-chan."_

Izaya had haunted him even years before his supposed death. Everywhere he looked, there he was.

Smirking, laughing, mocking.

Frowning.

For the first time, Izaya had frowned at him.

_What did he want?_  Shizuo pondered, his mind stuck on the image of Izaya glaring at him with blood on his face, struggling for breath after over exerting himself just to stay alive.

He didn't think he would ever forget how quiet, yet powerful, Izaya's voice had been as he fought to speak.

_"Just do it, monster."_

It made him wonder, at that point, did Izaya  _want_  to die? What was he hoping to gain? How would he have felt, if he were the one still alive at the end of it all?

For the first time, Shizuo made an effort to understand his enemy.

_"Look, I can't stand guys like that who use fast talk to manipulate people, but never do a damned thing themselves!"_

Shinra had just smiled.

_"Yeah, but by the same token, I'm all talk myself, you know."_

. . .

Two months following Izaya's disappearance, Shizuo had brought himself to visit Shinra for the first time.

"Hey, Shinra."

Puzzled by his friend's abnormally light tone, Shinra met his gaze with concern. "What is it?"

"Have you… heard from Izaya at all?"

What was even more surprising than his question was just how pained Shinra appeared at the mention of Izaya.

"Orihara-kun?" He echoed, struggling to make sense of it all. He couldn't even bring himself to joke about it. "I haven't."

"Do you think he's…"

"Who knows?" Shinra replied with a forlorn smile.

_"If you end up killing each other, it just means I'll have one less friend."_

Shizuo almost apologized.

. . .

He had never realized just how much trouble he must have caused Shinra. All Shinra had ever wanted was for his two friends to get along, and Shizuo had destroyed any bit of hope he might have had in an instant.

_Maybe I really am a monster._

. . .

He didn't think he had ever spent as much with Shinra as he was now than ever before. Not in high school, not in elementary school. Visiting him on his off days became therapy in a way.

He had so much he truly believed he could never make up for, but he could at least attempt to make amends.

They didn't talk about Izaya. He was too sore of a subject for both of them, though Shizuo reasoned especially for Shinra. He could act callous and cold, he could tease Izaya as much as he wanted, but Shizuo liked to believe he knew Shinra well enough to know better.

Things were peaceful.

That was all he had ever wanted.

So why did he feel so empty?

. . .

He hadn't felt this lonely, this pathetic, in years.

The last time he had felt even remotely like this was when he had stood out in the rain, unable to meet Kasuka's gaze, even if it was just a poster of him and not the real deal.

He had failed him.

Slowly, he was letting everyone around him down.

. . .

"Hey, mom."

_"Shizuo!"_  The delight in his mother's voice was unmistakable.  _"I haven't heard from you in ages. How are you?"_

"Alright."

_"You certainly don't sound it."_

"That's not-"

_"Don't start that with me. You called me for a reason."_

Shizuo might have the epitome of violence, the strongest man in Ikebukuro, but his mother, with her short, small stature and her pleasant nature, still had the ability to terrify him.

"I just wanted to check in. It's been a while."

_"Honey, you know you can talk to me."_

He hesitated at first. There wasn't an easy way to say it. The last time they had spoken, Shizuo had just started working with Tom. Everything was fine. He was fine. There was a glimmer of hope for his future, and now it would all come crashing down once again.

_"Shizuo?"_

"Mom…" He began quietly. "How would you feel if… if I killed someone?"

Silence.

_"Did you?"_

"I don't know."

She paused for a moment before asking softly,  _"Was it Izaya?"_

"...Yeah."

She didn't answer. He couldn't blame her.

"Mom, I-"

_"I already told you not to start that."_

He didn't dare fight back.

_"You really don't know if you killed him or not?"_

"He hasn't shown up since."

_"Maybe you scared him away for once."_

"I doubt it," he muttered. "I just need to know that he's alive. I don't think I could live with myself. I just can't seem to stop causing trouble, can I?" He chuckled at the last bit, pained by the realization.

_"If he hasn't shown up since, then there's a chance he's still alive, right?"_  Namiko pointed out, and Shizuo could almost see her hopeful smile.  _"Have some faith in yourself. You're so much more than your strength."_

He could have cried. "Thanks."

_"Now, on a lighter note, how are things with Tom-kun?"_

That managed to make him smile, just for a moment.

. . .

_"Have some faith in yourself. You're so much more than your strength."_

How he wished he had heard those words years ago, when he had needed them the most.

. . .

He had gotten far too accustomed to having Izaya in his life. Getting attacked by gangs or a lone straggler became a morning ritual, and chasing after Izaya later on in the day had become second nature.

It was almost as if he existed for nothing else. Antagonizing Izaya had become his purpose. If he couldn't be acknowledged as human, then he'd have to live with being a monster.

He hated it.

Oh, how he hated it.

All he had wanted from the moment he tried to pick up the refrigerator was to live a normal life. He could never accept this strength of his, so he had thought. He wanted nothing more than to be a normal high school student, but from that moment onward, he could never truly have a normal life. He knew that. Never again would he be that naive little boy who blended in with the crowd. He'd always have eyes on him, schemes made against him, and a constant unrest in his life.

At one point, he had given up. He hated it, but he knew things couldn't change no matter how hard he tried.

He'd just have to chase after Izaya for as long as he could, until something changed.

. . .

All he had wanted was for someone to look him in the eyes without that fear, and to be able to connect to that person. He wanted to be able to control himself for them, to grow and change and find happiness.

He found himself remembering his last conversation with Izaya, something in particular from it sticking out to him.

_"Although the fact you protected a human can only be described as comical. I might've mentioned this before, but do you think you can get people to like you if you save them? Oh, wait, or do you have special feelings for that girl Varona, maybe?"_

He couldn't forget that Izaya wasn't the only person he had faced that night.

_"Why didn't you crush my cervical vertebrae with your power?"_

_"I've gotten used to the way you talk."_

He couldn't hurt her, no matter what she had done. She was his precious junior, after all. That didn't make it easy to deal with, however. When his thoughts weren't occupied by Izaya, Varona took his place.

It was then that he realized just how contradictory he was being.

Varona and Izaya weren't all that different from each other, and if he could forgive one, he should be able to forgive the other.

Shizuo no longer wanted to get along with Izaya out of pity.

For the first time, he wanted to understand him.

He wouldn't chase him any longer.

He wouldn't be a monster any longer.

They wouldn't live in fear any longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Tell me how to feel about you now...let me know, do I suffocate or let go?"
> 
> boy this chapter has a lot of problems, but let's just roll with it
> 
> This was the last chapter I wrote for the fic, so Shizuo's section is definitely lackluster compared to Izaya's seeing as, at that point, all of the things that would have been addressed here had already been addressed elsewhere, and I didn't want to get too repetitive since I've already been repetitive enough, oops
> 
> This chapter is a bit of a mess too, but that's kind of the point I suppose? I got really, really into character while writing this so I just ran with it. I hope I got all of my points across well enough. There's still more to elaborate on but that's for the next chapter.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, and I'll see you soon with the continuation you've all been waiting for!


	13. our little secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i want to hear you say it."

Waking up with his face mere inches away from Shizuo was certainly something Izaya hadn't expected.

Nor was the death grip Shizuo had on him.

Perhaps "death grip" was an exaggeration. It was strangely calming - for a moment, at least. Before he could fully take in Shizuo's peaceful smile, a horrendous headache came crashing down, and he had to try his best not to groan.

Hangovers.

God, were they annoying.

. . .

An uncomfortable silence washed over the apartment as their lips parted. Shizuo couldn't fully process what had just happened, his mind stuck on the fact that Izaya was blushing. He couldn't remember if Izaya had been blushing before, but it didn't really matter. There he was, red in the face, turning away and almost pouting in a way, and this puzzled poor Shizuo beyond belief.

_Did I...do something wrong? What the hell, Izaya?_

"You're always so unpredictable, Shizu-chan."

Well, there was his answer.

_As if you can talk!_

"What...just happened?" He managed to ask, only for Izaya to burst out laughing.

"We  _kissed_ , idiot. What, can your protozoan brain not handle that?" Izaya's fit of laughter continued, and Shizuo, much to his surprise, didn't feel the urge to smack him as he might have before.

_First he's completely normal, then he's giggly, then he gets all emotional, and now he's..._

Well, he was Izaya. A horribly intoxicated, giggly, childish echo of the Izaya he had known before. Shizuo could practically feel the universe flip upside down as the word "protozoan" hit his ears. He hadn't heard that in years, and considering everything that had transpired that night, it understandably stung.

Suddenly Shinra's comment about competency made so much more sense. Izaya was an absolute  _mess_.

_"He tends to get really emotional at some point. A little stupid, too, though that's to be expected."_

_What, is he going to start crying next?_

Izaya's laughter subsided, and quietly, he murmured, more to himself, "We actually kissed."

"Did you forget that you're the one that kissed me first?"

Sure enough, there was a single tear falling down Izaya's cheek.

Shizuo had absolutely no idea what to do. He had never really had to comfort anyone before, and naturally he was more stumped knowing it was  _Izaya_ of all people right there beside him.

"Why are you crying?"

Izaya flinched, now aware of his tears, and he began laughing, softer this time. "I have no idea."

Hesitant, Shizuo asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm great."

"God Izaya, how much did you have to drink?" Shizuo chastised him, and Izaya simply smiled in return as he wiped away his tears.

"Dunno."

Shizuo sighed, taking his seat again and resting his head against the back of the couch, gazing up at the ceiling. "If Shinra knew that you'd be this bad, why didn't he stop you?"

"Shinra's horrible."

With a smile, Shizuo retorted, "He's not  _that_ bad."

"Easy for you to say," Izaya grumbled, side-eyeing Shizuo with a frown.

"You should get some sleep," Shizuo said after a brief pause, rising from his seat only for Izaya to reach out for him, tugging at his shirt.

"Stay."

Shizuo chuckled softly and sat back down.

. . .

He was going to be stuck like this until Shizuo woke up, wasn't he.

. . .

As they stood inside the planetarium, separate from the rest of the world, and as Izaya felt the urge to reach for Shizuo's hand, an ocean of emotions came flooding back to him. He found himself facing a younger Shinra once more as he asked.

_"Why do you hate Shizuo-kun?"_

_"Because he's a monster,"_ he had replied.

_Because he interests me more than other humans,_ he had kept to himself.

It was undeniably twisted, but Orihara Izaya found himself realizing, truly for the first time that he might have liked Heiwajima Shizuo. He might have been offended by the fact that Shizuo didn't even allow him to introduce himself, didn't allow him to say a word before declaring that he pissed him off. At first, he might have just wanted someone else to connect to.

_"I don't think he has anyone he can really be himself with."_

He had let his guard down, but for the first time, he supposed he was okay with that.

. . .

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Shizuo could see a wide, bright smile upon Izaya's face. Strangely, or perhaps not, it was the only thing he could remember from his dream as he awoke. There, right in front of him, was Izaya's peaceful sleeping face, which he smiled at with a fondness he couldn't remember feeling before.

He couldn't remember any of these feelings.

At first he believed he hadn't felt anything for Izaya until the moment their lips met, but he found himself reflecting on everything that had come before. The confusion that he felt upon seeing him for the first time in years, the desire to believe in him, the concern growing in him when he had realized Izaya had been shot, the contentedness that existed when they bickered. He had to wonder, was that what love felt like?

He couldn't have known. He had never opened his heart to anyone before; he couldn't. He hadn't meant for this to happen, he never could have imagined it.

Yet, he could admit to himself in that moment that he was falling for Orihara Izaya.

It was almost concerning, how he could accept this. He could never come to terms with Izaya's past actions, yet he knew that he was trying to change in his own twisted way. He would always be Orihara Izaya, the one who watched over the crowd, and Shizuo supposed he was okay with that.

. . .

"-zaya."

Slowly Izaya found himself regaining consciousness, torn between his incomprehensible dream world and reality, where Shizuo continued to call out to him in a whisper.

"Izaya."

His eyes opened groggily, and he found himself responding with a soft, "Good morning." It was so casual that it shocked both of them. What was more concerning for Izaya, however, was how he ended up in this mess.

"Morning," Shizuo greeted, snapping him out of his train of thought.

"Are you finally going to let go of me?" Izaya asked with a hint of a frown.

"You're the one who demanded we sleep like this."

His eyes widened ever so slightly, and though the memories didn't come back, Izaya could take a wild guess. "...Oh."

Eyebrows raised, Shizuo asked, "You don't remember?"

"I can assume some things."

Shizuo released his hold on him, letting his arms fall to his sides. Izaya pulled himself up, cringing as his stomach ached from his awkward position as he stumbled over Shizuo, taking a moment to regain his composure. Shizuo followed, sitting up and scooting so Izaya could sit beside him, though he instead watched as the man wandered to the kitchen with his back to him and muttering to himself. All Shizuo could make out was a quiet, "Dammit."

He couldn't help but smile, amused, as he made his way to the kitchen, taking a seat at the island and reaching over to tap his shoulder. "Care to explain yourself?"

Izaya didn't face him. "What is there to explain? Aren't you smart enough to figure it out?"

"I want to hear you say it."

Izaya's laugh was pained, yet his voice didn't falter. "Seeing me at my weakest wasn't enough for you, huh? How sadistic." With a sigh, he turned around and took a seat beside Shizuo, pausing for a moment before looking him in the eye. "Fine. You win. I like you."

Shizuo smiled once more. "That's it?"

"I don't particularly enjoy talking about feelings, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo wasn't quite sure how to respond, so Izaya continued for him as he looked down at his hands.

"Now you say something."

"I guess…" Shizuo began, still not looking at him. "I like you too."

Izaya chuckled. "Well this is awkward."

Shizuo faced him, grinning. "Are we a thing now or something?"

"If you want to be."

The awkwardness of it all was disturbing, the silence even more so. Shizuo found himself remembering sleepless nights from his high school days, where he sat, taking in the loneliness of his apartment, and the loneliness that had haunted him since childhood. Somewhere inside of him, the little boy who called himself a monster could almost cry.

_I'll never be afraid of you._

He hadn't been able to place the words from his dream to a person, but as he met Izaya's gaze, everything pieced together in his mind.

It wasn't love, but it could be.

Shizuo found himself turning away, moving to adjust the glasses that weren't there. "This is so damn weird."

Izaya looked at him with a faint smile. He had caught on to this small gesture over time, and he might have called it cute.

"I'm not complaining," Shizuo continued. "It's just… I hated you. I wanted to kill you."

"Life works in mysterious ways."

Without really thinking, Shizuo found himself asking, "Do you want to stay? You know, if you're not busy ruining people's lives."

Izaya's eyes glinted in amusement. "I think I can set that aside for a day."

. . .

There was something peaceful about watching all of Hanejima Yuuhei's movies, curled up on the couch with Shizuo at his side and ootoro in hand. Izaya couldn't bring himself to get too invested in the earlier movies; they weren't exactly in line with his tastes, however, the pride in Shizuo's eyes made it completely worth it.

There were many things Izaya figured he'd never understand or even like about Shizuo, but maybe, he could learn how to.

. . .

"Shinra mentioned something once," Shizuo began unprompted as the credits for Vampire Ninja Carmilla Saizou: Beginnings began. Puzzled yet amused, Izaya faced him, waiting for him to continue. "I think it was displaced desires? Basically, when I saw you for the first time, because I was so angry I felt hatred for you instead of, well."

Izaya chuckled softly. "Do you believe that?"

"Not really. Love at first sight is just bullshit. Love takes so much more than that."

"Interesting."

Shizuo frowned. "That doesn't sound good."

"No, really, it's interesting," Izaya replied. "What is love to you, then?"

Shizuo was silent in thought for a moment, and Izaya could see him slowly piecing his answer together. "I don't know… Always being there for each other, unconditional support, friendship, stupid couple stuff, trust…" he trailed off, pausing once more. "It just takes time."

"You're awfully sappy," Izaya teased.

"'Course I am. I've wanted that for a long time."

Izaya might have smiled. "You mentioned trust. Do you really trust me?"

"Maybe a little," Shizuo shrugged nonchalantly, earning a tease of a frown.

"I warned you about trusting me so easily," Izaya drawled, leaning into him ever so slightly.

"You kissed me out of the blue and got shitfaced drunk in front of me. I don't think I have anything to worry about."

"Thanks for the reminder," Izaya grumbled before asking, "Do you think you could love me?"

With a smile, Shizuo gave him his answer. "I guess we'll just have to find out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be the only one that finds amusement in the last two lines of the opening section, but I had to do it. Those are the two lines that opened my first fic, Trial and Error. They've haunted me for years, but I can finally take them back.
> 
> Character development at its finest.
> 
> Anyway, I would apologize for the really short chapter had it a. not been for the fact that the last one was the longest chapter I've ever written, and b. this chapter really didn't need anything else? It's not perfect, but it serves its purpose as the gap between the friends and lovers phase. I feel like this one just isn't as great compared to the others in general but considering how long it took me to write it, that's really not surprising. (sorry) The next chapter should make up for it.
> 
> Thank you for reading! I'll see you soon!


	14. the sun rises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "can i kiss you?"
> 
> "do you really have to ask?"

If there was anything Shizuo was expecting to wake up to that morning, it was most definitely not the most disgusting text that could ever grace his eyes.

**[From: Izaya**

\- Good morning love~ ('∀'●)♡ ]

In that moment, he felt his fight or flight response activate, which was strange, because for Shizuo, flight had never really been an option. For him, it was a fight or fight response, which he most definitely, in that moment, wanted to fight.

**[To: Izaya**

\- Im on my way to shinjuku right now

\- You better start running

**From: Izaya**

\- Ah, how nostalgic~

**To:** **Izaya**

\- do you want me to chase you?

**From: Izaya**

\- Yes, actually.

**To: Izaya**

\- I'm blocking your number

**From: Izaya**

\- You are aware that I have five different phones, yes?

**To: Izaya**

\- What the fuck

\- I'll block all of them

**From: Izaya**

\- You can never escape me~]

With a sigh, Shizuo tossed his phone to the other side of the bed, finally allowing himself to properly wake up and pull himself together. The latter proved to be rather difficult. His mind wandered back to the night before, where Tom had called him out of the blue. For a moment he smiled at the memory, thankful that Tom had once again gone out of his way to call. Texting had always driven him nuts, and it still did in a way, but it involved talking to Izaya mostly, so it wasn't  _that_ bad.

Damn, that sounded like something from a dream.

Izaya sat beside him as he took the call, having practically never left his side for the entire day as they reveled in each other's company.

" _Hey, the boss just told me we're heading out to Shinjuku tomorrow. Is that gonna be alright with you?"_

"Yeah, I don't have a problem with that."

He could practically hear the smile of relief Tom surely had on his face. " _Cool. Sorry, I just wasn't sure if you were still having issues. You were a little tense for a while there."_

"Nah, I'm fine," Shizuo said with a smile. "I haven't had too many problems lately." He couldn't resist glancing over at Izaya with a peaceful yet taunting smile. Izaya nudged his shoulder ever so slightly.

Tom and Shizuo said their farewells, and as soon as Shizuo put his phone down, Izaya began teasing him for what was surprisingly only the third or fourth time that day. "Haven't had  _too_ many problems, huh?"

"Well, you were a nightmare last night, but aside from that you've been pretty good lately."

"Thanks," Izaya sighed before finally rising from the couch, phone in hand. "On that note, I should probably head out. Duty calls." Without waiting for a response, Izaya was halfway out the door when Shizuo called out to him.

"Same time next week?"

Izaya turned around and grinned. "I'll hold you to that."

Shizuo almost couldn't sleep that night, reflecting on everything that had happened. At first he was almost positive that everything had been a dream, but sure enough, Izaya's distasteful text proved him otherwise. He didn't want to openly admit it at first, but having a calm day filled with watching Kasuka's movies and eating Russia Sushi with Izaya at his side was something he might have needed. Izaya hadn't teased him over Kasuka (in particular) once and he seemed to enjoy the movies. It was so abnormally peaceful that he had to wonder how long it would last before everything came crashing down.

He knew it was ridiculous to think about after a day, but Shizuo didn't want to ruin this, whatever this was. He could no longer deny that Izaya had become important to him. It was almost embarrassing, yet he found himself hopeful. Hopeful that maybe he wouldn't screw things up, that they could last.

That maybe it could become love, the love he had chased after his whole life.

Physically and metaphorically.

He found himself blushing ever so slightly and attempted to focus on work rather than Izaya as he left his apartment behind him. That, he discovered, was incredibly difficult. Going to Shinjuku would only make it worse.

Evidently, not only being in Shinjuku would make it worse, but having Izaya clearly following his every move. Everywhere he looked, Izaya was somewhat close in proximity. At first, he thought it might be coincidence, because he seemed preoccupied every time, but as he showed up around every street corner, a table away at a lunch, and lagged a few feet behind in the streets, Shizuo knew he was being followed; hell, stalked might be a better word. While waiting on Tom before they headed out to their next destination, he hurried to hit the call button, eyes searching the area and watching as Izaya picked up his phone.

"Why are you following me?" He asked without pretense.

Izaya made a noise between a chuckle and a scoff. " _What makes you think I'm following you?_ "

"I'm looking at you right now! Everywhere I look, there you are, you damn stalker."

Now it was Izaya's turn to scan the area, and sure enough, his eyes met Shizuo's with a smile. " _You have so little faith in me, Shizu-chan. I'm just minding my own business._ "

"Sure," Shizuo grumbled, yet he found himself smiling in return.

" _See you later?_ "

"Maybe." Shizuo hung up, returning his phone to his pocket as Tom returned. He looked between his boss and Izaya for a brief moment, and immediately turned away when Izaya blew a kiss at him.

_Why do I put up with you?_ He asked himself with a faint smile.

. . .

Sure enough, he wandered back to Izaya's apartment after breaking off from Tom that night. He had considered just heading home and torturing Izaya for a bit, but something in him made him decide against it. They were...well,  _something_ after all.

He wasn't sure what he was expecting to see when he arrived, but it certainly wasn't Izaya sitting on his couch with two empty wine glasses in front of him. For a moment, Shizuo found himself panicking.

"Don't even tell me you're drunk."

Izaya jumped upon hearing his voice, evidently not having heard him open the door that he had carelessly left unlocked. As Shizuo approached him, he titled his head up to meet his gaze. "Don't worry. I learned my lesson."

"What are the wine glasses for, then?"

"You'll see," Izaya responded, rising from the couch and sauntering towards the kitchen. After a moment he returned with a bottle of water in one hand and a bottle of milk, particularly strawberry milk, in the other. It didn't take Shizuo too long to piece it together. Still, he couldn't help but question it.

"Milk and water?"

Izaya took his seat once more, gesturing for Shizuo to sit beside him as he poured their drinks. "Well, I wanted some wine, but I think you can understand why I stopped myself."

"Yeah, no kidding," Shizuo chuckled as he accepted the glass of milk from Izaya. "Why did you drink so much in the first place?"

"It was a terrible lapse in judgement," he explained, grabbing the tv remote and lowering the volume significantly. "Humans do stupid things when they're emotional.  _Really_ stupid things."

"So you're not an alcoholic."

"Absolutely not."

"But even you can be an emotional mess."

"Next question."

Shizuo sighed. "Izaya..."

"I don't enjoy talking about feelings, in case you haven't gotten the hint yet," he muttered in response.

"Sorry for wanting to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine, thanks for asking." Surprisingly, his smile was genuine.

"Anyway," Shizuo began, retrieving a plastic bag from his side and setting it on the coffee table. "I brought some food. It's not Russia Sushi, but-"

"Is it ootoro?"

Shizuo simply smiled and handed him the bag.

Izaya opened the bag, and the look on his face was absolutely priceless. Shizuo never could have imagined seeing that, or hearing what he had to say next, in a million years before the past few months.

"I could kiss you right now."

Without waiting for a response, Izaya dug into the food, setting the rest on the table for Shizuo.

"Glad you like it."

Izaya put down his chopsticks for a moment, reaching for his wine glass and holding it out to him. "Cheers."

Shizuo clinked their glasses together before taking a sip. "Cheers."

Before he knew it, the day that had felt like it lasted forever flew by. That seemed to happen every time Izaya was around; he could barely enjoy their time together, though fortunately, they were able to see each other frequently despite their flexible schedules. He had to wonder if Izaya was even working until the board covered top to bottom in notes and pictures caught his attention.

"You're really into this," he commented out of nowhere. Confused, Izaya blinked up at him, and Shizuo pointed at the board in response. "Something big's coming, huh?"

"This city has a pattern," Izaya elaborated, absentmindedly twirling his chopsticks between his fingers. "Some huge event, or a chain of events, has to happen every six months, and we're well overdue at this rate." He set the chopsticks down and rose from the couch, strolling over to the board and wheeling it over to the living room. "All of this is happening right under our noses. Our everyday lives will go up in flames, and though that normally wouldn't be a surprise, but this Alpha organization is true to its name."

The enthusiasm in his voice was somewhat enchanting, and Shizuo watched as he seemed to speak with even more hand movements than usual, and it was no surprise to see his devilish smirk accompanying it. Izaya eventually flopped back down next to Shizuo, meeting him with a certain glint in his eyes. "I've missed this. Humans are just so  _fascinating._ "

Shizuo couldn't even find it in his heart to roll his eyes. This part of Izaya had always disturbed him, and he wouldn't lie, the glimmer in his eyes was a bit concerning, but his passion was admirable and even endearing to witness.

"Weirdo," he teased.

"You know you're interested, too."

"...Maybe just a little."

'Just a little' soon turned into almost complete involvement as anything they might have considered doing earlier was brushed aside for an incredibly lengthy story from Izaya. He spoke rapidly and erratically, leaving most of it to fly right over Shizuo's head at first until Izaya later clarified recurring details. Shizuo hadn't expected this explanation to go on for so long, and he found himself watching the time, much to Izaya's dismay.

"Well, since you're so impatient, I suppose I'll stop here for tonight."

Shizuo groaned. "I have to work, you know."

"Weakling," Izaya said with a yawn.

"Look who's talking."

"Anyway," Izaya drawled as he stood up and stretched his arms behind his head. "I'd love to visit America to investigate the rest of this. There's only so much you can see from overseas."

"You sure you want to go right to this Alpha's front doorstep?"

Izaya grinned. "I've already told you, I'll be fine." As he waited for Shizuo's response, he wheeled the board back over to the other side of the room, and he returned to a rather awkward looking Shizuo. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

He almost froze at his response.

"Can I kiss you?"

Eyebrows raised, Izaya approached him. "Do you really have to ask?"

"You said you didn't like talking about feelings or anything, and you're not exactly touchy-feely."

"You're right, I'm not." Izaya flashed him a soft smile before standing up on his toes to briefly close the distance between them. As he pulled away, he added, "But I can make some exceptions."

"Good to know," Shizuo replied, gathering his few belongings from the table and heading for the door. "I'll text you tomorrow."

"You should come to Shinjuku more often," Izaya called from the couch.

Shizuo paused, turning around and glancing over at him. "Or maybe you could stop by sometime?"

"I thought you didn't want me there," Izaya teased, back to him.

Shizuo was thankful that Izaya couldn't see him put his hand to his temple as he held back a sigh. "You said it yourself, we're growing."

Izaya finally looked over his shoulder, and in a softer tone replied, "Goodnight, Shizuo."

He managed a smile at that. "'Night."

. . .

As their luck would have it, the rest of the week was unbearably slow on Shizuo's end thanks to Izaya's horrible developing schedule. If he wasn't out with his own clients, he was gathering information from those involved in the ever raging storm that was the Alpha conflict.

" _I think I've eaten at every restaurant in Shinjuku at this rate,_ " he had told Shizuo one night during a surprise call. " _I almost don't want to eat out ever again._ "

"Not even Russia Sushi?"

" _Not even Russia Sushi._ "

"Damn," Shizuo chuckled. "This is serious."

" _Speaking of which,"_ Izaya practically sang, and Shizuo found himself bracing himself for what would come next. " _When are you taking me out on a date, Shizu-chan?_ "

Shizuo was briefly rendered speechless. "We haven't been having dates already?"

" _Oh, you oblivious fool._ "

"Where would we even go for a date?" Shizuo asked, genuinely curious. The image of the two of them together in public was taboo, to say the very least. They had blended in rather well during their planetarium escapades, all things considered, granted Izaya was hiding underneath his jacket hood and both of them dressed the way they did only a blue moon. It wasn't that he particularly cared what people thought, but the reactions of others would follow them everywhere.

" _The possibilities are endless,_ " Izaya replied eagerly.

Shizuo simply sighed.

" _Well if you aren't going to ask me, I'll just have to do it myself._ "

"Right now?"

" _Not right now._ "

Izaya was surprisingly true to his word, though that came with a cost. Shizuo had went to bed with a smile, reflecting on their conversation and longing for his day off, though the second he saw Izaya in his room and that the time on his clock was almost three in the morning, he immediately regretted everything. At first, he thought he was seeing things. It made absolutely no sense for Izaya to be there, in the faint light of his room, before the sun had even come up. He had to be dreaming, or incredibly tired, or something.

Yet there was Izaya, bowing and extending his hand to Shizuo as he sat up, throwing his legs over the side of the bed. "Heiwajima Shizuo, will you go on a date with me?"

"Christ, I didn't think 'not right now' meant the asscrack of dawn."

Izaya lifted his head, yet his hand remained as he waited for Shizuo to accept the gesture. "It's the perfect time for a date."

Shizuo stood up, walking right past him and over to his closet, muttering in response, "You are  _so_ lucky I don't hate you anymore."

With a fiendish grin, Izaya practically twirled out of the room and poked his head around the corner of the doorframe, asking, "See you in five?"

Shizuo immediately stopped unbuttoning his shirt and returned to his bed, snatching a pillow and launching it straight at Izaya's face. He hadn't expected the force to send Izaya flying backwards, just narrowly avoiding the wall behind him. Izaya certainly hadn't expected it, and it took him some time to pull himself together. As he stood upright once more and dusted himself off, he said, "Easy, Shizu-chan." He reached for the pillow, cradling it for a moment before sending it back in Shizuo's direction with not nearly as much force as it had arrived with.

"Sorry," Shizuo replied, unable to hold back his laughter.

Izaya closed the bedroom door without another word, though Shizuo could hear him laughing to himself on the other side.

Shizuo opened the door moments later, appearing in the same outfit he had worn to the planetarium; fitting, all things considered. Izaya was almost proud.

"So, where are you taking me?" Shizuo asked, following Izaya out the door, making sure to lock it behind him since he had quite possibly forgotten to do so before going to sleep. That, or Izaya had broken in. He really, really hoped it was the former.

"You'll see," Izaya hummed, not particularly menacingly, though his tone was enough to spark concern from Shizuo. After a few moments of being left in the dark, quite literally, the pair finally arrived at a place Shizuo would have never even considered for a date, or even to visit alone.

"An arcade?"

"Why not?" Izaya responded as he wandered around towards the back of the building. It didn't take long for Shizuo to piece everything together as he watched Izaya meticulously pick the lock on the backdoor.

"We're really doing this," he said with a sigh. "I would say I can't believe it but you already broke into my house." When Izaya chuckled in response, he asked, "Is this what you do for fun?"

"Only occasionally."

"I'm not even going to ask."

The door opened, and Izaya took Shizuo by the hand, leading him inside and revealing a world of bright lights reminiscent of Ikebukuro itself. The small building seemed so much bigger inside, holding more games than he could have ever imagined, lining the walls and calling out with their flashing lights.

"I didn't take you for a gamer."

"I'm not," Izaya said with a shrug. "You didn't exactly strike me as the gaming type either, Mr. 'I threw a fridge at my beloved brother because he ate my pudding.'"

Shizuo frowned. "I like to think I'm more patient now."

"Let's test your theory." Izaya smirked and released his hand before gesturing towards the sea of games ahead of them. "Anything stand out to you?"

Shizuo's eyes wandered through the seemingly endless selection and he chuckled to himself. "Not really." It almost seemed hopeless until suddenly, something in the far corner caught his eye. For someone who was bothered by simply texting due in part to the small buttons on his flip phone, a game involving much larger buttons and feet seemed more ideal. "How about that?"

Izaya burst out laughing, and Shizuo found himself frowning. "What's so funny?"

"I didn't take you for a dancer."

"Dancer?"

Izaya said nothing, taking him by the hand once more and leading him to the game, where he could then clearly read the title: Dance Dance Revolution.

"Oh," was all he said.

"You can't back out now."

Shizuo shot him a look that shut him up, though only momentarily.

"Come on, it'll be fun," Izaya pleaded as he hopped onto the mat, twirling around and resting his arms on the railing. "I'm the only one here to judge you."

"Yeah, that's what concerns me."

Izaya let out an exasperated sigh, resting his head on his arms for a moment before he reached for Shizuo's hand, hoping for him to accept it this time. "We'll start easy, I promise."

"We're not gonna make this a competition?"

"Everything's a competition with us, but I suppose I can go easy on you since you have a handicap," Izaya replied, and Shizuo finally took his hand, joining him and positioning himself on the other set of buttons.

"Shouldn't I be saying that to you?"

Izaya stuck his tongue out at him, silent as he released his hand and began navigating through the menu. Shizuo watched as the song titles flew by while Izaya searched, recognizing a few though Izaya hurriedly skipped over them as if he knew just what to play.

"You're almost acting like an expert," he commented, eyes still on the screen.

"I had two incredibly annoying and hyperactive sisters. What did you expect?"

Eventually Izaya stopped on a song and stepped to select the lowest difficulty. The song wasn't slow by any means, and Shizuo braced himself as the game began. Izaya noticed his panic and said to him, "Everything's self-explanatory. You'll be fine."

Sure enough, Izaya was right. After a rocky start, the two were soon moving in sync, though incredibly slowly thanks to the low difficulty. By the end of the song, Shizuo almost felt insulted.

"Can we make this a competition now?" He asked as Izaya scrolled, searching for their next song.

Izaya grinned. "I thought you'd never ask."

The sun was beginning to rise before they knew it, and the two would have struggled to leave the game behind had it not been for the looming threat of breaking and entering hanging over their heads. Granted, both of them had done much worse in the past, and at this point, the law didn't particularly care for either of them, Shizuo in particular. Everything shut down and Izaya locked the door behind them, leaving everything appearing normal, as if nothing had happened. Those few hours wouldn't exist to the rest of the world that had surely been sleeping during the silent hour.

So they had thought.

For a moment, it was as if the city was shaking. A resounding boom hit their ears, and they immediately exchanged glances, searching for answers in each other that neither could have.

"What the hell was that?" Shizuo asked, shell shocked.

Much to his surprise, Izaya responded with a grin. "Let's go find out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Call it ooc, but try and tell me that seeing these two play DDR wouldn't be entertaining. I told you all that this was a self-indulgent fic. When I get stupid ideas, I have to act on them, especially if they involve rhythm games, the thing I'm most talented at. I like to think that they danced to all of all of drrr's OPs and EDs because this is my universe and I say they have DDR beatmaps haha. The title may or may not have been an intentional reference to Uragiri no Yuuyake...
> 
> Also, since I forgot to mention this a few chapters ago, the whole Alpha subplot isn't a huge deal. I said at the beginning that I wasn't going to do anything crazy in this fic and I'm keeping my promise. It's just useful for me to have something going on in the background. It fleshes out the world a little bit and gives Izaya something to geek out over, so hey, win-win.
> 
> Another side note, happy birthday to Shinra! I have something written for him that I probably could have put out today, but it does have some (minor) spoilers for the rest of the fic and I still have some editing to do so I decided against it. It'll be out later this month, though!
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading! I'll see you Friday!


	15. home is where the heart is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the two of them were far too stubborn for their own good.

Despite it being just after sunrise, the entire city seemed to come to life as concerned bystanders and curious thrill seekers alike gathered, searching for the source of what revealed itself as a explosion smack in the middle of Ikebukuro. Shouts, cries, and police sirens echoed throughout the surrounding area and Shizuo and Izaya stopped dead in their tracks, staring straight into the fire that engulfed the heart of the city. Izaya began laughing to himself, and Shizuo jabbed at his shoulder to silence him as the people nearby turned to gape at him, and later the both of them.

Then, it didn't even matter that Heiwajima Shizuo and Orihara Izaya were standing side by side.

The storm had finally arrived.

. . .

"They're horrifically stupid, but I'll give them credit for being brave," Shizuo heard Izaya say in the distance as he paced around the apartment, his free hand in his jacket pocket as he spoke to Shiki over the phone. His amused smile vanished in exchange for something more shocked, though it didn't take long for him to seem content once more. "Is that so?" He was silent for a moment, and Shizuo found himself desperate to hear what was being said. Izaya hummed in agreement here and there before saying, "I'll get right on it," and hanging up.

"So?" Shizuo questioned him eagerly, gesturing for him to join him on the couch. Izaya accepted the offer and sat beside him, tossing his phone aside.

"That was a declaration of war, but not from the organization as a whole," Izaya explained, practically beaming. "Evidently there's some unrest within Alpha and some members tried to act on their own."

"Okay, you've lost me."

Izaya reached over and ruffled his hair in what appeared to Shizuo as condescendingly, though he knew somewhere inside of him that Izaya meant no harm by it. "Don't you worry your pretty little head about it."

Shizuo scowled in response.

"Relax." Izaya put a hand on his shoulder and Shizuo's gaze began to soften.

"Sorry," Shizuo murmured as he subconsciously began to play with his hair, which earned a warm smile from Izaya. "I'm just tired since  _somebody_ decided to keep me up all night."

"Don't act like you didn't have fun," Izaya teased as he reached for his phone, appearing innocent as he held it in front of his face, though Shizuo soon caught on to what was happening. He grasped for the phone, barely missing it as Izaya held it as far away as possible.

"You just took a picture of me, didn't you?" He demanded an answer, though he wasn't nearly as angry as he had been months prior. It was relaxing to Izaya to hear him be defensive, yet much more lighthearted about the situation. It was almost amusing; part of the city had been set on fire and his priorities were whether or not his boyfriend had taken his picture.

Boyfriend.

Izaya's brain suddenly stopped as it processed that one harmless yet poisonous word.

"Izaya?"

Shizuo's voice snapped him back out of his trance and he eventually relinquished his phone, letting Shizuo see the picture as he explained himself. "Sorry for wanting a candid photo. You don't even recognize your little quirks, do you?"

Shizuo shrugged. "I guess not," he said, handing the phone back to Izaya. Izaya accepted it and scrolled to his messages, and Shizuo couldn't help but peer over his shoulder. Something in particular caught his eye, and he immediately brought it up, thrown off by this revelation.

"Wait, is that a heart?"

Izaya flinched as Shizuo pointed at what was evidently a heart beside his contact name, which, much to Shizuo's surprise, wasn't Shizu-chan. "Wait..."

"Surprised?" Izaya asked calmly. "You were always yelling at me, telling me your name was  _Heiwajima Shizuo, dammit_!" He stressed the last few words, deepening his voice ever so slightly to imitate him. Shizuo glared at him at first only to chuckle to himself, and Izaya continued in his normal tone. "Though 'chan' is a term of endearment, you know."

"Wait," Shizuo repeated as multiple light bulbs went off in his mind. "Did you always call me Shizu-chan because-"

"I'll leave that to your imagination." Izaya wasted no time cutting him off.

"You did, didn't you?" Shizuo was interrogating him at this point, and he could only provide a knowing smile. "You  _ass._  Why did you never say anything?"

"As if you'd listen," Izaya said, crossing his arms. "Besides, we couldn't have had this until now. Surely you understand." He broke eye contact with Shizuo, eyes wandering anywhere but in his direction, giving the conversation a surprisingly serious turn. "You would have thought I was kidding, even after I gave you a letter."

Shizuo gaped at him. "What?"

"Did you never figure it out?" Izaya inquired. "Bloody White Day?"

"You..." Shizuo couldn't help but laugh. "I can't believe you."

"I don't think I've ever been told that with a smile before."

Shizuo took a moment to think, and Izaya found himself ready to face him once more. "It doesn't surprise me that you were behind Bloody White Day, knowing you, but you actually meant it?"

Izaya chuckled. "Did you never think it was strange that on a day where girls are supposed to be the recipients, every boy in our year got something instead?"

"Damn," was all Shizuo could say at first. After having a moment to let everything sink in, he brought them back to their earlier conversation. "So, I guess you have some more work to do, huh?"

Izaya was puzzled at first, though he soon remembered his talk with Shiki. "A lot more work. I actually got my wish."

Shizuo raised an eyebrow. "Your wish?"

"I'm going to America."

. . .

Within two days, it was as if nothing had happened. The city had returned to normal for the time being. Alpha made no further moves, nor did its many enemies. Everyone was simply watching and waiting.

Everyone except for Izaya, of course. With a suitcase in tow, he traversed through the rather chaotic airport with one hand lugging his suitcase and the other rapidly typing away on his phone. Notifications from Shizuo kept popping up in the corner of his eye, yet he ignored them in favor of his ticket into this investigation, and his soon-to-be guide through the hellscape that was Alpha.

Eventually he stopped walking, taking a seat and allowing himself a moment to breathe before giving Shizuo's messages any attention.

**[From: Shizuo**

\- You're leaving today right

\- When are you coming back?

\- Izaya?

**To: Shizuo**

\- I'm boarding soon.

\- I don't know, we'll just have to wait and see. Wish me luck~

**From: Shizuo**

\- Be careful

**To: Shizuo**

\- Of course~]

. . .

" _What?_ "

The disbelief in Shizuo's voice and the concern in his eyes was almost heartbreaking. Izaya was silent as Shizuo continued rambling on.

"You're really gonna go straight to the heart of all this? Straight to a  _terrorist_  organization?"

"I'll be fine," Izaya attempted to reassure him with a confident smile. "You don't give me enough credit. I've been through hell and back once already."

Any glimmer of hope in Shizuo's expression shattered with those words. Izaya immediately realized his mistake and opened his mouth, though no words came out.

Barely audible, Shizuo asked him, "What are you going to do if you end up like that again?"

Izaya didn't have an answer. He couldn't have an answer.

"Do you really want to go through that again?"

"They already sent someone to kill me and failed miserably."

"But you still got shot!"

"Why are you so damn concerned?" Izaya snapped, throwing both Shizuo and himself off guard, and the two drowned in the silence that followed. Izaya cleared his throat and continued gingerly. "I could handle you for years. I'm not stupid, and you know that."

Shizuo couldn't bring himself to face him. "I know, I just don't want you to get hurt."

"Whatever happens, happens," Izaya replied nonchalantly, knowing full well this would only anger Shizuo even more. "Besides, it's not like I'm delivering myself to their doorstep. You know I'll be working behind the scenes."

Part of him was tempted to call Shizuo out for acting the same way, having little regard for his own well being and little self respect, though it had been years since he had fully witnessed either in action, and so he kept his mouth shut. That thought made him wonder; what if Shizuo's body reverted back to normal out of nowhere? After all, no one really knew how his body worked. He wasn't a trained fighter, and as he had said himself, he had really only been blessed with arm strength. It was difficult to imagine a "normal" Shizuo, so to speak, but in a world of unknowns, it wasn't impossible.

Instead of mentioning any of these new thoughts, he tapped on Shizuo's shoulder, to which Shizuo responded by finally facing him. "Don't worry about me."

"I'll kill you if you don't come back safe," was all he said.

Izaya chuckled. "How do you plan to do that if I don't make it back?"

Quietly, Shizuo grumbled, "Shut up."

"Well," Izaya breathed, standing up and maneuvering around Shizuo's couch towards the front door. "I'll let you get your beauty sleep. Text me later."

He didn't wait for a response, because he knew he most likely wasn't going to get one. He closed the door behind him and leaned against the door, closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath. It was funny how after all this time, fighting actually felt strange, and he supposed that was what hurt the most. He would go to America whether Shizuo liked it or not, and he would fulfill what he had set out to do; to help and cause trouble as much as possible. Shizuo must have known that there was no stopping him once he set his mind to something.

And so, Izaya took the bus back to Shinjuku, and the first thing he did upon his return was sprawl out on his bed with his laptop in front of him, hurrying to find the earliest plane tickets.

Predictably, he passed out before he could do so.

When he awoke, the first thing he did was check his phone, hoping that maybe Shizuo had followed through and texted him. To no one's surprise, he didn't. Izaya began typing, though no words came to mind, and he closed out of his messages. He instead found himself staring longingly at the photo of Shizuo, which he quickly made his home screen wallpaper.

With a sigh, he resumed his search for tickets.

The two of them were far too stubborn for their own good.

. . .

Once on the plane, Izaya unlocked his phone momentarily to look at the picture of Shizuo, silently apologizing before turning his phone off and pulling a sleeping mask up over his eyes.

This was going to be a long flight.

. . .

Shizuo had known that he had been a bit irrational, even condescending. Izaya had some valid points, yet he couldn't bring himself to apologize. He had grown past his fears of being the one to hurt the ones he loved, and instead feared for their safety, even if this was Izaya he was talking about. He could reassure Shizuo and tell him that if he couldn't kill him, no one could, but it wasn't nearly that simple.

It was difficult, wanting to protect someone who didn't want to be protected.

For the time being, he decided to take his mind off of Izaya, instead following the familiar route to a place he felt like he hadn't visited in a long time. Shinra and Celty's apartment complex came into view and he took the elevator up without hesitation, or a prior notice. He rang the doorbell once, and Shinra called out from inside, "Coming!"

Shinra took a moment to reach the door, and he initially greeted Shizuo with shock. "Ah, welcome back, Shizuo-kun!" He exclaimed, now with a smile. "Thanks for finally taking the time to visit."

"Sorry about that," Shizuo murmured, reaching for the little strands of hair at the back of his neck without realizing once again. "Izaya's hard to ignore."

Shinra's smile shifted into something more devilish, though he said nothing at first as he stepped aside to let him in. Once inside, Celty greeted him with a wave from the couch. He noticed the paused video game screen and the controller in Celty's hand, and before he knew it, he was thinking about Izaya again.

Shizuo took a seat on the couch, leaving room for Shinra in between the two. Shinra managed to just barely squeeze in between, taking the second controller into his hands and resting it in his lap. "So, what's the occasion?" Shinra asked.

Shizuo shrugged. "Nothing, really. I guess it just feels like I haven't seen you two in a while."

"Strange, huh?" Shinra mused. "The party wasn't all that long ago."

[Well, it technically was last year.]

Shinra faced her with a look Shinra had never dreamed of seeing. "Celty, I'm disappointed."

Shizuo found himself laughing, and both of his friends turned to stare at him in wonder.

[Well, I guess it wasn't all that bad.]

"Shizuo has the sense of humor of a child. He'll laugh at anythi- ow!" Shinra suddenly yelped as Shizuo jabbed at his side. Defeated, he held up his hands. "Okay, okay, please don't flick my forehead or anything."

"You guys can get back to your game if you want," Shizuo said, looking at the screen once more. "We can still talk."

Shinra and Celty nodded almost in unison and Celty hit the resume button, throwing the pair back into what appeared to be a rather intense race. Shizuo watched as both glued their eyes to the screen, neither willing to be distracted despite Shizuo's suggestion.

Surprisingly enough, Shinra spoke. "So, how are things with you and Orihara-kun?"

It was almost as if he knew.

"Okay, I guess."

"You don't sound so sure," Shinra observed before letting out a triumphant cheer. Evidently he had beaten Celty after a consistent losing streak. While he wasn't paying attention, Celty chose the next track, throwing them into a race without Shinra even realizing at first. Shizuo managed a smile at that. He hadn't seen this side of the two in a while.

"We just had a bit of an argument, I guess."

"That's not surprising," Shinra replied. "Though the way you're talking makes it seem like it is."

Shizuo didn't respond, and Shinra took this as confirmation. "You're not going to start chasing him again, are you?"

"Well, he's not here for me to chase."

Shinra forcefully hit the pause button without even realizing it, though his tone remained relatively calm. "You didn't kill him, did you?"

"Are you kidding me?"

Shinra let out a sheepish chuckle. "Thought I'd ask. Don't worry, I know. He's off in America."

Shizuo didn't respond.

"What's the matter? I'd be over the moon, getting rid of him for a while."

Shizuo managed a faint smile as he made a mental note to tell Izaya about that later. His smile soon faded as he felt a strange anxiety towards what he felt he had to say. "Well..." He began, hesitant. His clear shift in tone caused Celty to face him as well, curious. "We're kind of dating?"

Shinra sported the widest grin Shizuo had seen in a while. "I would be surprised, but I kind of saw it coming. Congrats!"

It didn't take long for Shizuo's focus to shift from Shinra to Celty as shadows flooded the area, pouring out from her neck. She could hardly even type, and it showed. [Yyyoure whaaaat?!]

"Why are you so surprised?" Shinra asked with a chuckle. "We talked about it before, remember?"

[I thought you were joking!]

Shizuo watched as Celty took a moment to regain her composure. The scattered shadows vanished and the stream leaving her neck returned to normal. Her shoulders sagged as she exhaled and she began to type, much slower than before. [I can't say I agree with your choices, but I'm really happy that you found someone.]

He didn't think Izaya would blame him if he managed to agree with her sentiment.

"Thanks," he responded sincerely.

"Thanks for telling us," Shinra told him. "Honestly, I can't see a better fit for either of you."

If Celty could appear disgusted, she most certainly would have in that moment.

"Let's just forget about Izaya for now," Shizuo suggested, gesturing towards their idle controllers. "How have you two been?"

. . .

Somehow he had ended up spending the rest of the day with the duo, and it had been incredibly therapeutic for him, not only because of his conflict with Izaya, but simply because he missed seeing them. With Izaya holding onto his pride and not saying a word after their last conversation, Shizuo was left with no choice to reach out to his friends. He had gotten so used to Izaya's presence that it was unbearably lonely without him. He found himself checking his phone from time to time, still seeing Izaya's last message as the most recent.

It took him four days to finally muster up the courage to contact him.

**[To: Izaya**

\- You still alive]

No response.

The next day, he texted him again.

**[To: Izaya**

\- Stop being an ass and answer me if you can]

It was stupid to him, how lonely he had become. How quickly he had latched on to Izaya, almost like a parasite. He had spent years alone, and now that he finally had someone to cherish, he didn't want to let go. It was already bad enough that he had left things on a bad note. He found himself praying that Izaya would answer him, that he would be safe, even though he knew it was useless to pray for Izaya's sake. He was practically separate from the rest of the universe, defying everything like the pest he was.

He couldn't have become a god, because he would have been too powerful, and maybe a little too obnoxious.

Shizuo burst out laughing at the thought, and for the first time in days, he smiled when he thought of Izaya, leaving his bitterness and worries behind him.

That same night, Izaya finally responded.

**[From: Izaya**

\- Sorry, I've been really busy.

\- Don't worry, I'm fine. Trust me!

**To: Izaya**

\- ( ´ ▽ ` )b]

. . .

"Trying to win my heart over with kaomojis, huh?" Izaya murmured to himself, grinning as he did so. "You play dirty, Shizu-chan."

. . .

After almost two full torturous weeks, Shizuo woke up to a series of surprise texts, not from Izaya, but from Shinra.

**[From: Shinra**

\- He's coming home today.

\- Terminal 2, 9:45am.

\- Be there or be square!

**To: Shinra**

\- Thank you]

He wasted no time dialing Tom's number, not even bothering to question how Shinra had made this discovery.

. . .

Despite having his body feel like it had been flipped inside out, Izaya took his first steps into Tokyo with a confident smile.

Finally, he was home.

New York had been a breath of fresh air, though nothing could compare to Ikebukuro, especially not the people. Alpha was no match for even the city's dying or long deceased color gangs. And, of course, nothing could compare to Shizuo. He hated to admit how much he missed him.

Not even two years ago he never would have imagined giving himself up so easily, allowing himself to become so attached to someone. He had sworn to not run away, and he was content on keeping that promise to himself.

He hurriedly gathered his suitcase from the baggage claim and briskly walked through the bustling airport, dead set on visiting Shizuo's apartment before anything else, not even realizing that Shizuo would be at work instead.

So he thought.

He looked down for only a moment to check his phone, and when he looked back up, there he was, standing out in the crowd as he always did.

"You're here," Izaya breathed, sliding his phone back into his pocket and giving Shizuo his undivided attention.

Shizuo greeted him with a soft smile. "Surprise."

Izaya smiled in return without even realizing, and he found himself tempted to reach for Shizuo's hand, though he hesitated, and not just because he didn't want things to be awkward.

Someone was behind him, and he could feel the gun pressed up against his back.

_Did someone follow me?_ He wondered, struggling to figure out how to alert Shizuo, though it seemed he didn't have to. When he thought Shizuo was gaping at him, it turned out to be directed at the mystery person behind him. He didn't dare turn around. He didn't have to confirm it for himself; Shizuo's small, desperate voice told him everything he needed to know.

"Varona?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Varona, honey, there are better ways to make an entrance.
> 
> So much happened in this chapter! I wrote the entire thing without stopping (the same day i wrote the last chapter too, are you proud) and I just kinda rolled with it! The argument honestly came out of nowhere, but with these two, it's surprising they didn't have one sooner. No matter how much they care about each other now, they'll always have something to bicker about, even if it's stupid. Is this stupid? I honestly can't tell.
> 
> Only one more week of updates left... The next chapter is the "finale", then we'll have a really short & sappy interlude, and finally, the epilogue. I can't even believe this story is almost complete... It's bittersweet to think about.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for your continued support. I'll see you next week!


	16. trial and error

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "just take the umbrella, dammit."

"Varona?"

His voice was so quiet, so defeated, so  _desperate_ , and everything began to crumble around him. The airport was gone, and he instead found himself in the heart of the city. Day became night, and passersby met him with glowing red eyes. He met Izaya's disturbingly empty gaze, then Varona's cold, merciless eyes, and everything came flooding back. The silence was deafening. The shouts of gang members, the blaring horns of the bosozokus' bikes, a single gunshot, and the scream that followed. All of it was absent, save for one word.

_No._

_No._

_No._

"Varona, just put the gun down," Shizuo commanded, holding his ground, though still clearly desperate. Though, much to his - and Izaya's - surprise, she obeyed. Cautiously, Izaya turned around to face her. Varona paid him no mind and stepped to the side, gazing up at Shizuo in question.

"You bewilder me, Shizuo-senpai," she said with a frown, her familiar robotic tone ever present. "Why do you stop me? Requesting an answer."

She hadn't changed.

_"To actually experience the joy of existing in this world... that is my desire."_

_Varona..._

"He's not an enemy."

_I don't hate him anymore._

_I can't hate him anymore._

_So please, don't kill him._

Varona's frown twisted into an offended scowl. "You're lying," she insisted, taking a step closer to him. "I am long since a killer. I do not need your sympathy."

In the moment it took him to understand what she meant, Izaya had spoken, startling the two of them. "Shizuo's a lot of things, but he's not a liar." His nonchalant tone compared to Varona's intensity and Shizuo's fear changed the atmosphere completely. There was no malice laced in his words.

Varona blinked at him, not even attempting to hide her confusion. "I'm not understanding. You have always hated each other, have you not?"

Shizuo and Izaya exchanged glances, then smiles, only confusing her further.

Varona knew many things, but there was one thing she had yet to bring herself to understand: love.

She said nothing, crossing her arms and averting her eyes, clearly embarrassed by her own actions.

"How about we all sit down at Russia Sushi and catch up?" Shizuo suggested, adjusting his sunglasses out of habit.

"Sounds like a plan," Izaya replied, walking at his side as he began heading out. "I'm starving."

Varona hesitated, though she reluctantly followed the two out of the building and into the sunlight of the city.

It took a lot of willpower for Shizuo to hold back a sigh.

_This is gonna be interesting._

. . .

Sitting himself down between Izaya and Varona was both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, there was no room for any physical attacks, but on the other, he was stuck between their semi-frequent bickering. It was then that Shizuo realized how Shinra must have felt putting up with him and Izaya for so long, constantly in between the two and always having a place in their antics. Slowly, he began to regret just about every bad thing he had ever said about Shinra; he deserved better, even if he wasn't always the best.

Upon entering the restaurant, Dennis had gaped at them for several minutes, whereas Simon was completely unfazed, remaining his bright and cheerful self - with some malicious undertones, of course.

"Shi-zuo, Izaya, and Miss Varona! It's good to see you," he greeted them, clapping his hands together. Directed at Shizuo and Izaya, he asked, "You're finally getting along, I see?"

"For the most part," Shizuo replied with a rather forced smile.

Varona glared at Simon and Dennis and it was enough to get Dennis to shut his mouth, smiling out of amusement, though it wasn't enough for Simon.

"Eat sushi," he suggested, gesturing to the different meals displayed in front of them. "I'll give you discount to celebrate."

"You really don't ha-"

"Thank you, Simon," Izaya finally spoke up, cutting Shizuo off and earning a frown from Dennis, who soon directed his irritation to Simon.

After ordering their food, a brief silence washed over them. No one else was in the restaurant, to no one's surprise, and Shizuo very quickly dismissed that awkwardness. Gazing over at Izaya, he asked what he had been dying to ask all morning, "So how was America?"

"Great," Izaya replied simply. "There's still a lot of loose ends that need to be tied up, but just about everything was smooth sailing; for me, at least."

Shizuo would have been surprised at his lack of detail and enthusiasm had they not been in Russia Sushi, where a single mention of any sort of violence might make a dead man if Dennis had anything to say about it. That, and Izaya might have been considerate towards Varona, despite their clear animosity.

It was frustrating, though he couldn't really blame him; Varona  _had_ just tried to kill him. This revelation stirred up an internal conflict Shizuo hadn't felt in some time, similar to the one he experienced with Izaya, though unlike Izaya, he didn't know this side of Varona. She was his dutiful kouhai, devoted to martial arts and knowledgeable of things he had never even dreamed of. She was stoic and serious, but she wasn't nearly as robotic as she seemed, even sharing a sweet tooth with him. She was all of these things, but she was also a fugitive, a kidnapper, and a murderer. It was too much for him to process as he sat there beside her as if nothing had happened.

"So," he began hesitantly. "What brings you back here?"

Varona's silence worried him at first, though she soon spoke. "I have failed."

That got Izaya's attention as well. Concerned, Shizuo continued. "What?"

"I have failed to achieve my goal," Varona clarified, refusing to look at him. "I have returned out of shame."

Out of the corner of his eye, Shizuo noticed Izaya smiling ever so slightly, to which he raised his brows at. What he wouldn't understand just yet was that Izaya laughed, not at Varona, but how that very well could have been him, nothing more than a failure who couldn't accept his defeat, nor his weakness.

"What are you going to do now?" Izaya asked her, and she visibly tensed as he spoke, caught off guard by his question.

"I do not know," she answered honestly, and her hands curled into fists as her anger and embarrassment resurfaced. "I wanted to test human strength. That was my reason for living. However, I am weak, and I had to search for something new. I wanted to experience joy, but I am not deserving of such a thing."

Izaya's smile faded into something of a frown, though sympathetic, as the ghosts of his past returned to him.

Two years ago, Orihara Izaya had smiled in the face of death. He had given himself up as a sacrifice all for the sake of some stupid game; the very game that had dominated his life ever since that fateful day twelve years prior. He was supposed to be dead, yet here he was, miraculously alive and back in the place that not too long ago had terrified him more than anything. For the longest time, he had refused to rehabilitate. The confines of his wheelchair served as his punishment, and he accepted it. After all, he had failed. Shizuo was going to truly become a monster through Izaya's sacrifice, yet he lived.

It was then, and only then, that the man realized the monster was not truly a monster, but a man, just as fragile and lonely as him.

However, in that moment, he couldn't see himself as a man.  _He_ was the monster.

He couldn't accept it at first. He was too naive to understand. Gods and monsters didn't exist. Neither of them could ever be anything more than what they already were: human.

_I am weak._

Varona could acknowledge her weakness, but she couldn't accept it. That was the fatal difference between the two of them.

He almost felt sorry.

Back then, in that moment, was it anger that he felt? Was it gratitude?

He had his answer now as he saw the woman who saved his life break down, just as he had, as she desperately searched for the reason for living she already had.

"I'm sure Shizuo and Tom could use some help," Izaya said nonchalantly, turning away from her and missing the faint glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"I wouldn't want to trouble you," Varona murmured meekly.

"We'd be glad to have you back," Shizuo chimed in.

Dumbfounded, Varona turned away, hoping to conceal her blush as she replied, "I cannot accept this."

" _Take a chance, Nastasya._ "

Izaya's sudden use of her mother tongue startled Varona, causing her to tense up further and leaving a very confused Shizuo stuck between the two.

" _How do you know that name?_ " She demanded, concerning Shizuo, who unfortunately knew not a word of Russian.

" _I did my research on you. I am an informant, after all._ "

Varona sighed before saying to Shizuo in Japanese, "I would most be grateful to work alongside you once more, Shizuo-senpai."

"Glad to hear it," he responded, though he didn't sound convinced thanks to the missing links in this conversation. He turned to Izaya for answers, though he said nothing.

The trio ate in silence, and it wasn't until after they had finished their meal that Shizuo broke the ice once again.

"Are you heading back home?" He asked Izaya.

Izaya shot him a look, and Shizuo smiled in response before he directed the conversation over to Varona.

"I'll have to ask Tom to talk to the boss about it, but we do need as much help as we can get, so it shouldn't be a problem," he explained with a reassuring smile. "Keep in touch, okay?"

"Affirmative."

For the first time that day, Varona smiled.

. . .

"Hey, what did you say to Varona?" Shizuo asked on the walk back to his apartment.

Izaya merely smirked, pressing a finger to his lips. "It's a secret."

Shizuo rolled his eyes, and Izaya thought he was going to continue walking on ahead of him, though he stopped, moving to stand in front of him and bending down ever so slightly to give him a quick kiss.

"Welcome back, by the way."

"That's rather late," Izaya pouted, yet his lips curved into an undeniable smile.

. . .

The remainder of January flew by, and Shizuo was thankful for this development. The time he had spent without Izaya was unbearable with how long it dragged on, but now that he was back home, things slowly began to return to normal.

Well, mostly normal. Normal now entailed working with not only Tom, but Varona once again, regular phone calls with Izaya, who had unfortunately begun burying himself in work, and a consistent happiness he felt as if he hadn't experienced in a long time.

Time was flying by so fast he didn't even recognize that it was his birthday. Granted, he was never one to pay any mind to his birthday in the first place. Every year, without fail, it took him until he received a chain of texts. Notifications from Kasuka, his mother, Shinra, and Celty flooded his screen and before doing anything else, he responded to all of them.

He found himself surprised that he hadn't gotten anything from Izaya, but at the same time, it wasn't that much of a shock. He had probably passed out late last night and was still asleep, or he was awake, running off of coffee and spite, far too involved in whatever work he was doing to say a word.

It was stupid to him how much he cared. Birthdays had never been important to him, and it still wasn't all that important, yet something felt missing. This strange feeling enveloped him, trapping him for the rest of the day, though he was fortunately able to focus on other things, thanks to Tom and Varona.

It didn't help that it started pouring on his way home, and without an umbrella, he ended up drenched by the rain.

Well, it was an inconvenience until he saw Izaya sitting outside his apartment complex, cradling a container in one hand and holding his umbrella in the other. Upon seeing Shizuo approach him, he held the umbrella out to him with a smile.

Shizuo accepted it with a chuckle, asking him, "What are you doing?" He didn't have to explicitly ask,  _Why are you outside when you could've just broken in?_ He assumed both of them would understand.

"Well, I was going to make this more of a surprise, but it started pouring and I saw an opportunity."

Shizuo raised his eyebrows, yet he smiled regardless. "You make no sense sometimes."

"Just take the umbrella, dammit," Izaya said before laughing to himself.

"If you insist," Shizuo replied, accepting the umbrella as he searched for his key, unlocking the door and letting Izaya in before him. He flicked the light on as he entered and Izaya immediately turned on his heel, holding the container, which he now saw had a small red bow on it, out to him.

"Happy birthday."

Shizuo took the container into his free hand and he set the umbrella down in order to open it. Inside it was a small white cake adorned with strawberries, and upon seeing this, he practically melted. It was nothing spectacular, but enough to make him unnecessarily emotional.

"Is it too soon to say I love you?" He asked, completely serious, yet he couldn't help but laugh.

"Definitely," Izaya responded with a warm smile. "I think a thank you would suffice."

"Well, thank you," Shizuo said, walking past him to set the container down in the kitchen before facing him once more. "This really means a lot."

Izaya shrugged it off. "It was nothing. I figured you needed it."

"So, do you have any plans?"

"Everything's up to you tonight."

Shizuo stopped for a moment before strolling over to the couch, taking a seat and waving Izaya over. "Can we just relax? I don't really want to do anything, and you could probably use the break."

"Damn right," Izaya chuckled, leaning against him and resting his head on his shoulder.

Shizuo smiled fondly, wrapping an arm around him and closing his eyes.

As he sat in and embraced the silence, several thoughts came to him. He remembered the boy who never dreamed of seeing this day, where he could embrace the person he cherished most, where he could sense the feelings of said person without a doubt in his mind. He remembered the anger, the pain, the loneliness. He remembered the chases, the weapons, the lack of control, the pure hatred. He remembered the smiles, and how they had faded away, only for them to return with new meaning.

_You piss me off._

_Just do it, monster._

_Do you think you could love me?_

_I guess we'll just have to find out._

As if Izaya knew what he was thinking, he suddenly said, "We need a rule."

"Huh?"

"A penalty for whoever says 'I love you' first."

With a confident grin, Shizuo replied. "You're on."

"Loser owes the winner a favor of their choosing."

Shizuo extended his free hand to him. "Shake on it?"

Izaya accepted his hand, though he interlocked their pinky fingers. "Pinky promise."

"Good luck."

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I already have an advantage." Izaya shot him a sly grin, and Shizuo huffed in response.

"That doesn't count."

"Keep telling yourself that."

Shizuo leaned against him, holding him close with a warm smile.

Perhaps it was love after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trial and error: the trying of one thing or another until something succeeds.
> 
> That title holds so much significance in the fic itself, between all of my fics, and for me personally. It's amazing how this little phrase has come to represent me and my works. I had to do a callback; not only that, but it represents the relationship these two share pretty perfectly.
> 
> Anyway, I've always wondered what Varona's real name would be, and I kind of hate to give her one since she doesn't have one in canon, but I found Nastasya to be fitting as it means resurrection, and I'm not quite done with exploring her character yet... On a side note, I've become incredibly attached to the idea of Izaya and Varona having intertwined character arcs. I don't know if I could explain it fully since it just kind of hit me all at once, but I do know that I need it. Narita, please. I'm a hopeless fool who can't write everything I want to see.
> 
> The final interlude and epilogue will be out Friday... We're finally here! Thank you so much for reading, and I'll see you then!


	17. epilogue - the sought-after extraordinary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i love you."

**[ - The chatroom is currently empty. -**

**\- The chatroom is currently empty. -**

**\- Kyo has entered the chat. -**

**\- San has entered the chat. -**

**San:** Huh?

 **Kyo:** Where is everyone? Are you all out enjoying yourselves without us? Have we been abandoned again?

 **San:** （；へ：）]

. . .

Izaya awoke to blinding sunlight pouring in through the curtains and he hurried to shield his eyes, rolling back over so he could face a sound asleep Shizuo. His hand searched for his phone to no avail, only to realize it had to be in his jacket pocket all the way on the other side of the room. However, he was horribly lazy. He would have preferred to just fall back asleep, content laying there with Shizuo at his side, but he'd have quite the list of people wanting to kill him if he did so; Shizuo included, but especially Shinra.

Today was the day just about everyone who knew Shinra and Celty had been waiting for; their wedding. Of course, the two had practically been married for a few years already, but an official ceremony was something to celebrate.

It wouldn't exactly be good if the one who planned the wedding didn't show up in the first place, however.

. . .

He hadn't meant to say it. At least, his pride wouldn't have allowed him to say it under any circumstances, but his heart had other ideas. After a full two months, Izaya was the one to break the pact.

"You've lost your damn mind," Shizuo had told him. He couldn't even remember what sort of scheme he had come up with to get him in this situation; all he could remember was what happened next, and the shame that came with it.

"Maybe I have. I did fall in love with you of all people."

Silence.

Izaya's confident smirk morphed into a despairing frown as Shizuo shot him a sly, triumphant look.

"You said it."

"That doesn't count," Izaya protested, despite knowing it was useless.

"You said you fell in love with me. It counts."

Defeated, Izaya murmured halfheartedly, "Fuck you."

Shizuo's pure laughter was more than enough to dissolve his anger.

"So, what's my punishment?"

"I want you..." Shizuo began, pausing to ponder for a moment. Whether it was on purpose or not, it still drove Izaya mad as he impatiently waited. "To get Shinra a heartfelt gift for his birthday."

"Oh, you  _animal_."

Shizuo grinned. "That's your first step in making it up to everyone."

"I thought we agreed on one favor," Izaya grumbled, leaning his head against the back of the couch and closing his eyes.

"That is one favor. You'll just have to do the rest yourself."

"What am I supposed to get him, a shiny new scalpel?" Suddenly, it hit him, and his smirk concerned Shizuo for the first time in a while. "Or...there is something he's wanted for a long time."

Reluctantly, Shizuo asked, "What?"

"To dissect you."

"No!"

Izaya let out a rather dramatic sigh. "Being a decent person is so much work."

Shizuo nudged his shoulder. "A deal is a deal."

After a moment of considering what would be a good present for Shinra, Izaya asked, "What if I plan their wedding?"

"They're basically married already."

With a frown, Izaya crossed his arms. "Alright, smartass, what would an outstanding friend such as yourself get Shinra for his birthday?"

"That's actually a really good idea," Shizuo said straight-faced, completely catching him off guard. "I think he'd appreciate that."

"Well, let's get started."

. . .

"Shizuooooo," Izaya sang, gently shaking his shoulder to wake him.

Shizuo stirred, though he refused to open his eyes just yet, muttering in reply, "Shut up."

"Do you want to miss the wedding?"

With a defeated groan, Shizuo opened his eyes and sat up, stretching his arms and letting out a yawn. "What time is it?"

Izaya shrugged, though he finally managed to detach himself from the bed, heading over to the closet and grabbing his jacket, digging around in the pockets for his phone. Finally he found it, and he muttered to himself, "Shit."

"Alright, let's go."

. . .

The burning hot July sun shone down on the secluded garden the pair now found themselves in, and Izaya found himself regretting giving in to every single demand of Shinra's in the months leading up to the ceremony. Well, he couldn't give into  _all_ of them. Shinra had wanted to get married in Ireland, and Celty had wanted to remain in the city where they had spent the past twenty years together. The garden was somewhat of a compromise. Aside from Shizuo and Izaya's delayed arrival, everything was perfect. The flowers in full bloom, the fairy lights adorning the posts that lined the garden, the shining sun (despite its nearly unbearable heat)... This truly would be a fairy tale wedding. It was fitting, all things considered.

"I was starting to think you weren't going to make it."

Shinra's sudden comment startled Izaya, though not nearly as much as his friend's appearance. With his hair slicked back, glasses replaced by contacts, and him being dressed in a black suit rather than his typical white coat, he looked absolutely nothing like himself. Izaya and Shizuo exchanged glances before it fully clicked in their minds.

"Who are you?" Izaya found himself teasing him, and Shinra rolled his eyes, smiling as he did so. Sincerely, Izaya continued, "You look great, Shinra."

"Is Celty actually wearing white?" Shizuo asked out of curiosity, earning chuckles from both Shinra and Izaya.

Shinra nodded. "She is. I wanted to keep our usual color scheme, because Celty looks beautiful in black, but Izaya-kun was pretty insistent on switching it up."

Izaya didn't think he'd ever get used to hearing Shinra use his given name.

"This is gonna be one hell of a wedding," Shizuo replied.

Izaya chuckled. "What else would you expect?"

Out of the corner of his eye, Shizuo happened to catch Shingen walking by. For a moment, he thought he might actually see the man's face, but as he turned, Shizuo frowned upon realizing that he was sorely mistaken. There, in all its glory, was the white gas mask.

To Shinra, he asked, "Isn't your dad supposed to be officiating this?"

Shinra sighed, and in a defeated tone, responded. "Yes."

Both Shizuo and Izaya reached out to put a hand on his shoulders.

Despite Shingen's questionable appearance, the ceremony began and everyone hurried to their places. The group was rather small, consisting of the usual crowd; Kadota and company (sans Saburo), Mikado and Anri, Akane (accompanied, surprisingly, by Akabayashi), Emilia, Egor, and much to everyone's surprise, Kasuka and Ruri. Apparently, the word hadn't reached Shizuo, and he had to do a double take when he realized his brother was sitting beside him.

The twins were nowhere to be seen, which wasn't surprising. Izaya had taken every possible measure to make sure they knew nothing about the wedding, for Kasuka and Ruri's sake especially, not to mention his own. He was beginning to doubt that they'd ever be able to make amends.

Well, as he sat with Shizuo beside him, hand in his, he supposed anything was possible.

Shinra and Celty began their vows, which was a rather awkward experience, seeing as Celty had to type hers, but it was touching nonetheless.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife," Shingen said, and Izaya cradled Celty's helmet in his lap, waiting for his cue. "You may kiss-er..."

Celty turned towards him, and Izaya tossed her the helmet, which was horribly out of place with her wedding gown, yet fitting nonetheless. Celty placed the helmet over her neck, and Shinra leaned in, touching his forehead to what would be hers.

"...gently touch foreheads with the bride," Shingen concluded with a chuckle.

Everyone began clapping, and Izaya gazed around the crowd, surprised when he saw a vaguely familiar face he hadn't noticed before. There in the crowd was none other than Kazane. As if she felt his gaze directed towards her, she turned to face him. Izaya simply nodded his head, silently thinking to himself what he couldn't tell her.

_Thank you._

. . .

It came as no surprise that the rest of the day was absolutely hectic, if the Christmas party was anything to go by. Fortunately, there was no alcohol involved, after a very serious talk with Shingen. He at least listened to that part of the conversation, completely ignoring the request to remove his gas mask, though Shinra and Izaya knew all too well that the sentiment went in one ear and out the other.

The wedding came to a close as the sun began to set, leaving everyone to head their separate ways and return to the city, though not after the traditional bouquet toss, despite the state of the crowd. Everyone honestly looked terrified to be the one to catch it; save for Akane, evidently.

Ruri, caught in the middle of it all, didn't even realize what had happened at first. She had drifted off into space for a moment, and when she returned, her face turned as red as the flowers.

Shizuo flashed Kasuka a knowing smile, and he might have smiled back.

. . .

"I'm so  _tired_ ," Izaya moaned, flinging himself onto Shizuo's couch, taking up almost the entire thing. Shizuo managed to find space beside him and he looked over at him with a taunting smirk.

"You're the one who wanted to stay up late last night," he teased, resting his arm on the top of the couch, inching it in Izaya's direction. "God forbid we go on a date at a reasonable time."

"I have questionable judgement. We know this."

Shizuo grinned as he told him, "Hey, come here."

Izaya sat up rather reluctantly, scooting closer to him. Shizuo turned to face him, and Izaya echoed him, surprised when Shizuo copied Shinra's move from earlier, touching their foreheads together with a gentleness neither of them would have expected.

"You're such a sap," Izaya teased.

"I know you're smiling."

"Shut up."

Shizuo pulled away, and sure enough, Izaya was smiling, albeit begrudgingly thanks to his teasing. Izaya looked away and attempted to scoot away as well, though Shizuo snaked his arm around him, freezing him. When their eyes met, he said softly, "Hey."

"What?"

"I love you."

Izaya couldn't keep a straight face no matter how hard he tried, leaving him laughing as he attempted to make out, "I hate you."

"You know, you're actually a horrible liar."

"Okay, that's it," Izaya proclaimed, folding his arms indignantly. "It's time for payback. You're going to owe me a favor."

"That wasn't the rule!" Shizuo protested.

Izaya grinned. "Hypocrite."

Shizuo could only laugh.

Everything had changed, yet it was as if nothing had changed at all.

. . .

**[ - The chatroom is currently empty. -**

**\- The chatroom is currently empty. -**

**\- Kyo has entered the chat. -**

**\- San has entered the chat. -**

**Kyo:** Hey, hey, did you hear?

 **Kyo:** Someone set fire to Tokyo Hands last night!

 **San:** Gasp!

 **Kyo:** We can never truly have a break for long, huh?]

. . .

 **[Kyo:** San, I think we've been abandoned again.

 **Kyo:** Oh well. We know you'll all come back some day, and this chat will live to see another day.

 **Kyo:** Until then!

 **San:** Bye!

**\- Kyo has left the chat. -**

**\- San has left the chat. -**

**\- The chatroom is currently empty. -**

**\- The chatroom is currently empty. -** ]

. . .

The wedding between the headless rider and the man who had loved her for more than twenty years.

A premonition of the marriage between Ikebukuro's idols.

The promise of more mystery, more adventure, and more chaos.

A love born from hatred.

It all happened here, in Ikebukuro.

What started as a story of twisted love now closes its curtains,

for their love is no longer twisted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies in advance for the incredibly long AN you're about to witness, but I hope you give it a read because I have a lot to say.
> 
> We did it. We actually did it.
> 
> I honestly never thought I'd see this day, where I finally, finally finish a story. It's not perfect, it's not groundbreaking, but I had so much fun writing this. I can't even be mad with its glaring flaws. (like the fact that these past couple of chapters have been really short...oops)
> 
> Okay, The Story is Eternal time! This is the only beginning of a series of post-Ketsu fics, appropriately named after the beautiful song from the ost that left me a sobbing mess during the last episode. The majority of them will be one-shots, and the majority of them won't be Shizaya-centric. (yes i hear your booing) Something I've wanted to do for years is focus on the rest of the lovely cast, and I finally have an opportunity to do that. I will still write Shizaya without a doubt, I can assure you, but I'd like to shift my focus for a bit. A good majority of the cast is so underappreciated and I want to give them the love they deserve. I'm going to write these stories regardless, but I can only hope people will actually read them whoops... The first one-shot in the series, Complications, will be out next Friday, with Namie and Izaya at the center!
> 
> Speaking of Shizaya, happy Shizaya day by the way! ...this totally wasn't my genius plan when i switched the update schedule whaaat... It's also been exactly three years since the last chapter of Trial and Error was published. I said there was no such thing as coincidence but...
> 
> I bet some of you are wondering what happened to the interlude, and I decided to cut it last minute. It seemed really redundant and it was way too cheesy, even for me, so it's most likely for the best. It was supposed to wrap up the man and the monster sub-story, but I suppose Tell Me How did that in way, so it all works out.
> 
> Anyway, this fic has rekindled an intense love for writing I haven't felt truly since I was a kid. I'm not perfect, and I still can't write everything I want to see, but there's always room for improvement. For now, I'm content with this fic for what it is. I like to think it's a huge step up from my past works.
> 
> I have so, so much I want to do now. The Story is Eternal will (hopefully) take priority over everything else since drrr is my main fandom, but I can't promise regular update schedules because a. liauc was written in advance; it's just not physically possible for me to be able to update twice a week otherwise, and b. I'll be starting college in the fall and I am the world's biggest procrastinator. I honestly have no idea how this is going to work, but I'm going to try my best. I will tell you that as of today I have three one shots completed and I've started the fourth.
> 
> Thank you so much for following me on this journey, whether you've been here since the beginning or joined later on. Every bookmark, kudos, and comment is dear to my heart and I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am now and always will be for your support.
> 
> Anyway, any news for the series will be put in the series notes, and any general updates will be put on my profile, so if you'd like to read more from me, be sure to keep an eye on them. Also, if you'd like, feel free to follow me on twitter! If you ever want to get in touch, that's the best place to reach me since I practically live on there, or if you just want to follow me for fun, hey. My main account is miraihappyends and my writing-exclusive account is umihinode.
> 
> Again, thank you so much. I'll see you soon. ♥


End file.
